Drunk Dial

I'm so glad phones don't auto dial if you gaze at a photo too long. 

Fat

I mean, I'd say it's in your best interest to not sleep with people (again)who tell you you're chubby after the sleeping is done.
Probably don't call them either.

When I...

When I grow up....

A thought I've had every year about the next and the 1- 50 that will follow year one- has changed since I let Mr.  Murray go.

Today,

When I grow up and everyday until I do, I know it won't be easy, but imma love.

K.
Hi.

So there's that

I started to think of my life with you in it.
In big ways.
Only in my dreams.
Sleeping.
Arms around me.
Around my waist.
Around our baby. 
And I don't love you.

This is how we love.

She couldn't let the world know her.
So she went there, where the sheets weren't cleaned and the pillows cases were dried with stains from other times.
Where she proved that in the dark of the crown moulding, that every seem cracks and sometimes water and other things creep in and leave stains.
High above where we can reach
And that's where tears and truth were safe.
Where orgasms bellowed off of from all the men she wouldn't let know her.
Where her child would weep and laugh and jump.
Where she would be quiet. And sometimes so still.
Where she was raw and human and wildly and abundantly alone, but rarely without company.
Because even when alone, was not always in good company.

Staring

Sometimes, don't you want to stare?
Just look so hard.

Maybe not know, but just see. As it is, as it is being, as they show you they are..?

Sometimes I just want to watch.

And request that you don't look back.

Thoughts on Telling the Truth

If you say that you always tell the truth, even if someone doesn't want to hear it, but you wont be honest about your feelings, what exactly is it that you're always so truthful about?
How I can I trust you if you aren't truthful about what matters the most, your heart; and how can I trust that you would honor my feelings when you aren't truthful with your own?

Pain and Suffering.

Pain. Pain happens everyday. Unnoticeably. In small ways and in huge ways. In unmeasureable ways.
Suffering happens but after a while, suffering becomes a choice... it must be.

Orange is the New Black thoughts on thoughts.

Sometimes I admit, I have chosen- choose to suffer. And I don't even notice it.

Do you?

Thunder Stormy Weather

A disproportionately appropriate number of my clothing items are on backwards or inside out because I thought that the power was going to go out and was hurrying.
Perfectly Adult.
You try putting contacts in in the dark!... RUSHING.

In all of my years, I have always been amazed with the sky, with nature, with animals. This morning the sky was amazing and scary.
I am so glad to be out of the house because I'm pretty sure that the next thunder clap was going to collapse the walls- I've never heard anything so loud.  Like any adult, I was so scared I wanted to cry. I needed an adultier adult to protect me...
Option two: Instead I closed the windows, grabbed my lunch and ran to my car- GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!

Friday Night

Sometimes I just get so excited when I crawl into bed.

Even though I have to work at 5am, I'm still very excited about my 4.5 hours of sleep.

My Metabolism is Older Than Me

You know you're taking your ketosis diet too seriously when you swallow a piece of gum and then worry that the 2 carbs will fuck your progress up.

HASHTAG WHERESMYBEACHBODY

People Dying

I know as we get older, we must learn to exclpext to see more death- our grandparents, eventually our parents, and after much time, our peers, and loved ones. But there's just been too much of it.
I guess we hear about death more because there is more media- whether it be social, news or some version of propaganda.
I am saddened by the loss of old friends to cancer,  aunts and uncles to cancer,  grandparents to cancer. I only ever had 1 grandparent alive in my life time and he died over a decade ago- cancer. Children that I know, teachers, friends' siblings,  coworkers, bosses, more children have been dying too- it's overwhelmingly sad. Car accidents, cancer, undiagnosed diseases, cancer, heart disease, cancer...

And then there are all of these humans that I don't know,  but that I weep for, that have died because of the cancer that has spread throughout America.
Ism's.
Opening fire in a gay club because you don't understand sexuality? Just murdered your own kind...
Blowing up street cars, airports, buildings, busses- exchanging lives for a cause because your educating your own kind on your religion?

I believe that pharmaceutically, we have the technology to cure or stop many cancers.
I know that politically, intellectually, socially and  biologically that we have the cure and need to use the cure, to stop, fix  the cancer that is inside of Americas police.  There is a problem with a few police offers and if we don't give them radiation then they're going to spread and I am deeply worried that they will infect the good officers and ruin any chance of a civil cure.  What on earth are we doing to stop this?
The NRA?
The Nightly Show was right, we did more to protect and prevent the same incident from occurring again when a gorilla was shot than we do our own kind.

We are all the same kind you know- human.

And my heart is breaking for us.

https://youtu.be/R07RyFN1cdY

Lazy Wednesday

I don't understand why I have to remind other adults to cough into their elbw, to wash their hands after the pee, to hold the door for another person, to tell the truth, to chew with their mouth closed...

Also correcting someone who says something the wrong way, shouldn't be an insult or rude- a first world English speaker should know how to say 'cracker'. Cracker. Cwakah. It has 2 r's in it.

But what do I know?!.. I'm hiding in "my room", avoiding the roommate I've never met...  who's the adult now?

Just a Tuesday

https://www.instagram.com/p/BG8OyFNgk_p/

Letting go. Is hard to do.  But worth it. Don't you think?

Ghosted

I feel very angry and betrayed by myself that I worry about a man who cannot even say BYE. But this is me not messaging to make sure you are not hold up in some fire since your company is still working away... and I worry.

Shamefully.

Where the heart is

It is extremely difficult to exist in a place where you are asked to be invisible, make no sound, leave no trace.

"Why Modern Dating Makes Me Want To Punch Myself in the Throat"

By Melissa Moeller

THIS JUST HAPPENED TO ME, and although the writer and I are a decade apart, I COULDN'T AGREE MORE. Finally dating and I'm too honest with myself and my feelings to 'know how' and therefore vulnerable and hurt when those in the 'know' scathe. Cowards.

That you Melissa!!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/melissa-moeller/2016/04/why-modern-dating-makes-me-want-to-punch-myself-in-the-throat/

This bit is my fave,  "...So here’s my idea: let’s all stop being little fucks. Respect other people enough to tell them the truth. If someone makes you happy, tell them. If someone inspires you, tell them. If you’re not interested in someone, please just fucking tell them. Don’t ignore people until they disappear. It’s time we grow up..."

I make rash decisions

So I hated my job, the money sucked, I was uncomfortable at home, I was questioning the quality of some of the friendships that I had developed for various reasons, and I seemed to have developed a pattern of dating emotionally unavailable men- to say the least, and the last one ( voice for  radio and a face for television guy), really hurt.

So during a rather epic melt down, I opted to pack up whatever I could and head home for the summer.
No job in sight, no plans, small budget. I just pretended to be hopeful. And that was easy because I foolishly spoke with or texted with Voice for  Radio and a Face for Television the entire 3 day drive- when I had service. And it was easy because aside from a few wonderful friends, I wasn't leaving much happiness behind.
When I wasn't chatting with him, or avoiding calls where the caller would ask questions that I wasn't prepared to answer, I was making a list of things that I loved about myself- I've been working on it for 5 months and was finally able to come up with 5 things. I made lists of qualities that I want to be more aware of- qualities that I don't admire but am typically unaware of until they've derailed me. I pictured my summer, and the 6 months that will follow it, I idealized my bank account balance, and went over plans to get out of debt. I tried not to think about the people that I was leaving behind, even if it is just for a short while, because I didn't need any additional reasons to cry.
I slept under the sun, and kept my eyes peeled for moose at night.

And then I got home and realised that it had changed and home had become a place unknown. That is, I'm not sure where I call home at this point. The one that I grew up with and in, I don't like any more. The one that I was trying to build in Edmonton, I packed up or sold or gave away because I wanted no reminder of it or any man that I'd ever shared a home with-Aside from the pleasant memories I will always hold onto, I did succeed.

So now I"m in my home town, with a beautiful jeep that will never have enough trunk space (WHY DIDN'T I GET THE WRANGLER) contemplating driving to some other place. Where should that be?- I'd like to start over.
again.


"...‘Girls like you’ your mother says 
'are going to be disappointed a lot.’ 
She’s chopping coriander so fast that her hand is a blur 
and you’re 12 and you’re standing 
like a tremble, grubby knees and tear stained cheeks,
an offering in front of her
'Why?’ Your voice is a quiet shake. 
She puts the knife down and calls you 'jaan’ 
she holds your face in her wet hands,
you don’t flinch because this
is what love looks like
she kisses your forehead like forgiveness
'because you mean what you say, 
you think other people are the same.’ "
taken from Azra T.'s jaan e-maan

Hustle

We are so often our greatest. disappointments.
We work so hard, but forget to include ourselves.
We are deserving.
You are. deserving.
Heaven knows, and she's not real.
You deserve.

I hate my job

Being confident, despite being abundantly aware of my short comings, does not make me crazy or an inevitable cat lady- it makes me willing to love myself despite myself. And being willing to ask for what I need or stand up for myself does not make me bitchy or pushy- it makes me aware of my worth and it is never at the cost of anyone else.

And taking care of myself is already hard to do.

So I'll kindly ask you to stop making it harder.
Bitches all over the place.