Trying to Embrace That

I'm told that everything happens for a reason and once you accept that, you'll feel free.

If everything happens for a reason does that mean that I don't have control over my destiny,  that the choices that I make aren't solely mine, but part of this everything that was bound to happen for its reason?

How often do things happen for a reason? Will I know?

What about when hearts break, or people die, or when good, kind people experience poverty, job loss, illness? What about loneliness? Tell me about that reason, where even the luckiest of people, can't find another human to connect with... What about people who are burdened by other people, who have to carry the weight of their world and others' worlds?

And Like, how much longer until I know the reason? I'd really like my power back, and my self control.

Some of the things that have been happening are torturing me and I'm patiently waiting for my lesson to be learned, while I figure out how to adjust my behaviour, swallow my tears, generate laughter and you know- feel free, like they say I will.

I suppose if everything does indeed happen for a reason, maybe blogging about my anticipation,  curiosity, desire and need for the reason, will bring the reasons closer to me.

But It Really Was An Accident

DAMN IT!

I have a bad habit of thinking that I've locked my phone and then not locking it and calling or texting or messaging someone. I've changed the font in my phone, deleted photos,  changed the wallpaper and lost apps to some unknown screen.
It doesn't help that I also text the wrong people far too often because I just don't pay attention. Or I'll have two of the same first name messages going and text say, Andrew 1 when I meant to text Andrew 2. I've actually renamed humans to avoid said confusion... which does it count as confusion if I'm just not being mindful?..

I asked the boy that I swoon over to give me some space last week. IT WAS SO HARD TO ASK FOR, but like really, what kind of self respecting woman allows herself to be second to anyone?.. Being that this is my life, I ought to be the leading lady, right?
So if I'm asking for space it's not right to message him correct? I couldn't agree more.
Admittedly I did message him and 2 of his friends, a comic book related question, as I was looking for some background for an audition and understand that they used to be big comic book fans. The handsome boy replied, which I appreciated, even if he had no information for me.... because, well,
You know how it is with social media and phones these days,  it's abundantly obvious when you're being ignored- talk about hurt feelings right?

So anyway, I was totally Facebook stalking him because he does have an interesting wall, and I fell asleep for a few minutes watching Big Eyes (wow- what a life!)... I woke up and washed up for bed and went to tell my girlfriend via Facebook messenger that she should watch the movie, only to discover that she was no longer the last person that I had messaged.
I must've hit all the buttons when nodding off because it was he whom I'd last made contact with!! Damn it. I hit the stupid Facebook thumbs up thing and sent it to him. FML.
So in typical panicked Bobbi fashion, I immediately wrote him apologizing for messaging saying I fell asleep watching a movie holding my phone. Just way over explained myself...
I cannot tell if I'm more annoyed with myself for having such slippery thumbs when sleeping sitting straight up or disappointed with myself for apologising (like did he need to know the name of the movie that I fell asleep to? Did I actually really feel sorry or just embarrassed for breaking 'space code')or infuriated by my hurt by the screamingly obvious fact that he was online and just ignoring my now two messages.
If a guy ever half heartedly admits to kind of seeing his ex, assume that they are fully back together and don't accept him flirting with you, don't flirt back and don't carry on for weeks and months pretending like you're not attracted to him. Definitely don't sleep with him.  Cause you know... why by the cow when you can get the milk for free?.. eventually your milk will go sour and he'll go back to feeding and caring for his cow to get its milk...

Why am I referring to her and I as cows...

I'm really going to have to come up with a nickname for this guy if km going to let him into this blog. I think Piece of Shit will do just fine, a nickname he was already overly comfortable with. POS for short!

So I Have Problems that I Fix with Spiced Rum

2016. Hi.
2015. Bye. I was turning into a straight up alcoholic.
I would say that 65% of my blog entries have been written while intoxicated,  maybe more,  definitely not less. I find most of them embarrassing but refuse to erase them because as gross as I may have been, that's exactly who I was in those moments when they were written.

So I had to toss not drinking onto my resolution list. I will not be epic about it, there will just be no casual drinks anymore, no more glasses of wine with dinner, baileys in my coffee, vodka with my late lunch, and spiced rum neat for a night cap...
I spent so much of 2015 struggling to enjoy my jobs and find peace with my income and didn't, find friendships that complimented my enthusiasm for life but was often lonely, used, abused or lamenting over how difficult life can be with said friends. When you spend so much time at work and are unhappy and come home to unhappy relationships or just an empty space you have to find a way to occupy your time.
I filled mine with drink after drink and bottle after bottle.

This is not to say that I don't have work that I find humbling- Im smart, and im getting a second education, im funny and an awesome friend and being a 31 year old bartender in a place where the bartender doesn't make a lot of gratuity is stressful and a reminder of how valuable our time and money are.  I'd like to be humbled by my work because I find it satisfying and be grateful for that but instead I'm thankful for the work I have because of the people that I work with- they are all intelligent motivated people (mostly) and that is enough, for now, for me to find peace with my work while I seek to enhance it with a primary option.

And working in a bar I have access to alcohol and people who treat alcohol like most would water.

I would guess that I spent 85% of 2015 with a drink in my hand. Not constantly. Not the first two months at all. But at least every night, and always more than one.

And I met a boy. He led me on in ways that I have never been led on before. And I'd like to blame him for hurting me but I can't say that I wouldn't have ended up being a little hurt anyway. I'm so drawn to his energy that I find it amusing how I ever loved anyone before. We could talk for days; we have.
But he is in a relationship... and I question my integrity in all of the goings-on between us because I know better and my thoughts on fidelity and faithfulness are the opposite of how either of us have behaved. I question my self worth because I continue to conversate with this man who has chosen to be in his relationship over me- what do I think of myself that I would allow myself to be treated This Way, the other woman with no benefit what so ever? And This Way is text messages most mornings and most nights,  most of the day, occasional phone calls and infrequent visits that are all always mindful, fun, informative and energetic and I love it, but shouldn't . And This Way is also exclusion from all of our friend events, being in public and all things that a real friendship or relationship have because you are its biggest secret. How shameful I must be to him and to myself you know...?

I wonder if I hadn't been such an alcoholic during all of this time, if I could ever have had just one drink, if I then would've behaved better- with some self respect, if I then would Not have let him make that first move, and never have fallen for him and hurt my own heart.

So I'm giving it a rest- the alcohol (And the boy- I AM trying; he, for some reason is more difficult to break up with).
And it's going to be a challenge... it already is! I had dinner with friends last night and I was asked repeatedly what I wanted to drink and I stuck with my water! I aaaaalmost caved.
But I'll only being having a drink with you on occassions- my birthday maybe, but mostly trips or vacations, thanksgiving and Christmas, and the occasional event like a concert should I ever go to one!..
Wish me luck my friend.

Warm up my feet

When I think I see your face my heart skips and my stomach turns and im happy for a second but then my mind reminds me that you're not mine.

This is right now.
And I am still brilliant.
Just a lot of hoping.

It's crazy the stains
That tears
Can leave.

It was just summer

This is such a weird ache.
It's new, but certainly not novel.
I am brilliant,  but
I cannot wrap my head around
this much missing. You.
There is a gap between what I
Know and what I
Feel and I know that I
Feel more than I know of
You.
Protected, amused, adventurous, brave, warm, challenged.
Growth.
Is this what true love will start out like?
I'm excited for my turn.
In the gap between what I
Feel and what I
Know, I feel that I
Know that it is not mutual and I must
Let go. You go live.
I'll build a bridge back to reality. 

Life lessons

http://worldobserveronline.com/2014/01/13/top-37-things-youll-regret-youre-old/

I'm just wondering what the age cap on this is because I have far too many regrets.  The biggest being saying I Love You.
And saving money.