If Oprah Says It, It's Probably True

"We accept the love that we think we deserve" 

I grew up in a home where no one knew how to love or how to accept it... there was always anger, cheating, lying, stealing and the piling up of secrets, saved and stored for use in battle when the appropriate time would arrive. 

I have never had the opportunity to see my parents love someone all the way, although I've supported them in many relationships. 

I have yet to see my siblings have a relationship that has trust and mutual respect, where both parties put in a constant effort to keep the love alive. Of course that is sad because one of my siblings is married, the other always heart broken and the last always doing her very best to keep her heart protected and love at bay. 

And then there is me... The foolish girl who never goes on a date with a man she doesn't already know and never more than two dates with a man she doesn't see herself marrying... the fool who doesn't know when to let a man in and then doesn't know when to let go after the love is gone.

R2 posted the following on my facebook this week and it spawned a male friend of mine to 'call bullshit'

Unfortunately, with the way I have learned to love and the way that I have allowed 'love' into my life, this life lesson applies and applies quite well. 

It may have come late, but I'm so glad that it came at all. 

I have been reading it every day and eventually I will remember it without looking and one day it will become ingrained in me. Don't accept excuses. Never accept lies. You can't change people and don't change yourself. Love yourself first. Those are my lessons in love.  

Thanks Oprah and R2!

"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. 

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending... Compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new
relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE
individuals. Look for someone complimentary...
not supplementary.

Dating is fun... Even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... When a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him ~ he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil says... You should know that: You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one. They're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts... ❤"

This Is Beautiful Poetry and This

Is as close as I will ever be to writing it; sharing it.

my girl

The neighborhood boys have grown taller

than their absent fathers.

My girl use to be one of the boys,

throat a gun tossed in to a river

fist fight for a mouth

bag of ice for a father.

Then her body grew soft where she did not want it soft

grew full, grew heavy, grew ripe

if the boys see then the boys will become hungry.

My girl avoids mirrors

binds her breasts like a secret

buries the dead in between her legs

every month bleeds like she is a wound

calls out the names of the dead like lottery numbers

and all the names sound like her own.

My girl picks her father from a list of fatherless rappers,

measures her thighs in her bedroom

is on a diet, forever

is a red balloon stolen from a party

deflating in a corner.

Her first kiss, a boy who does not like girls

unless they are face down on a mattress.

My girl has a blank cd for a father,

the back seat of car for a mother.

Once in a basement when the music was on

and she thought no one was looking

and she could not help herself

and the body wanted to move

and the body it did move

and the body became almost sound,

she was wet from the bass in her stomach.

Everyone wanted to be like her,

that splinter in the oversized shirt.

 

My girl is the knife in the family portrait

the miscarriage at the sleepover

pink bubblegum expanding from a whores lips

riding the carousel with a nose bleed

glitter in a coffin

confetti in the barrel of a gun,

Is fun.

My girl is holy, is sacred, is pure

is clean, is loved, is whole, is beautiful

is worthy, is okay, is alone, is just fine

just the way you are girl

just the way you look babe

with that dirty mouth

and those hands, wherever they have been

and that sadness, whatever caused it

and that anger, wherever it came from

and that fear, who ever brought it

you are my girl, girl, you are me.

Warsan Shire

“Every mouth you’ve ever kissed was just practice. All the bodies you’ve ever undressed and ploughed in to were preparing you for me. I don’t mind tasting them in the memory of your mouth.
Was it a long journey? Did it take you long to find me?
You’re here now, welcome home.”
—  Warsan Shire

“I’m sorry you were not truly loved and that it made you cruel”
—  Warsan Shire (via zaweeya)

Amazing. Ill stop posting and let you read. You can follow her on twitter or read her work here:

http://warsanshire.tumblr.com

Good intentions are just that

And broken hearts stay broken, no matter where you take them.

Good intentions are just that...

...and broken hearts are broken, no matter where you take them.

I'm naked

I left my cell phone on my pillow at home.

I am at work and I've been here for 5 minutes and I already miss it.

Update # 5 (don't buy a Volkswagen in Alberta)

Hello Team!!!!

How much do you miss me?

I fear that if I had received another email from (hot)ROD that's what it would've said.. creepo. He finally stopped emailing and texting me on Thursday. What part of I'M NOT INTERESTED do you not understand?!

And if you're so keen on googling people, google me again and find my blog, and read my entries where I made fun of you. lol

So, I've been driving my car for the week. The stupid guys are coming to my work on Thursday to fix my car- aka take off the stupid lettering that I told them to remove before I was to pick it up, and treating the area underneath. 

I also realised today when i went to put air in my tires, that I had been had (yes. it took me a while to catch on).

When I talked about the car with the dealer, he told me that it came with nitrogen tires. I had no idea what that meant, but if that's how the car comes, at that point WHO CARES JUST GET ME A DAMN CAR. And when I was picking up the car (still unnamed), we ran through everything, from the bills to the warranty to how to turn the lights on ect and it all kind of blended in together... it took almost 3 hours after an 8.5 hour work day and almost 2 hour drive!

Looking at my bill of course, I now see that the nitrogen was an option that I paid for... $700 plus tax and labour. Ok fine, that's what I get for rushing. 

Obviously the tires needed air today- one day it's +10 degrees, the next it's -10; poor tires... OH WAIT. I CAN'T PUT AIR IN MY TIRES WITHOUT TAKING THEM TO THE SHOP!!!! AND I HAVE TO PAY FOR IT!!!

WHAT HAVE I DONE!?

So I'm going to spend the weekend looking into selling the car back or just selling it in general. If you know anything about returning a week old car, let me know. I'm serious.

I'm very annoyed with my stupidity and Volkswagen and I just want to get away from them.

Anyway...

SIGH SO LONG AND HARD***

The job is good. My boss took a day off for the first time in a year because he had me there to help with work! I... was there for 10 hours today... clearly I do not work as fast as he. lol. 

What else? I really wish that I hadn't started off this email bitching about my car... now I'm totally sidetracked. It also doesn't help that the new hgtv show my Brick House is on. The woman whom the show revolves around has no expression... it bothers me. 

Come camera's follow me around as I nearly pass out in yoga or catch my self with a giant camel toe, follow me as I wake up with my feet inside of my pillow case rather than it under my head, follow me as I bang my head on my desk at work and make the same mistake on autoCAD time and time again, follow me as I buy a car with stupid nitrogen tires, follow me as I walk around with white fuzzies in my hair and a huge cheek zit I'm unaware of (true story.. stupid new towels), follow me when Andrew comes over and goes through each of my drawers and comes in the washroom while I'm taking a shit, follow me and I will go on more dates with stupid weird people for your entertainment, follow me as I quietly rage that the tiny $25 space heater I bought blows the fuses in half of the house causing the landlord to enter my suite without my permission to flip the breaker back and then proceed to touch my stuff. Yes. This is my life. 

I realise that it is moderately unacceptable, but between getting gouged by my insurance company, the stupid car situation and the completely awful selection of cable I pay 30$ (including internet) a month for, I can't be bothered to stress myself over nosy friends or annoying superintendents and illegal apartments. Nobody had negative intentions. Nobody lied (except everyone at Volkswagen). Nobody is hurt. Thus, I am fine. 

Wow, I sound a bit unhappy. I am not. I will move out of here 5.8 months when my lease is up- in the mean time it's relatively cheap- so silver lining. And it's not like the car doesn't run...

Some guy in a pick up truck tried to race me today. CALM DOWN- obviously I kicked his ass... until we hit the speed limit- then I drove like a responsible adult. Because you have to... because there are speed cameras every where and pot holes that could swallow a Toyota Highlander. 

Totally random, when I was trying to pry the caps off of my nitrogen tires (I think I miss Binty), I noticed that there was food all over the front bit of my car. Like joe-louis or something. So I went and got gas (that hurt- $45 for 3/4 of a tank!) at a station that had a drive through car wash. It was not a drive through car wash- you have to drive in and hand wash your car because it's broken. WTF. lol Just put an out of order sign up!!!

What else is new... 

Guys, advert your eyes. 

I decided to go back onto birth control- worst idea ever. I forgot how big your boobs get... and sore! Jesus. Obviously I quit that. It's not like I need to be on it for anything...

So on that note (come on back gentlemen), I'm very single still. And I have decided that I like having a dude! like.. who is going to take my car in and get air in the tires for me?! Or scrape it off and warm it up for me? Who is going to tell me that the other lady at work has nothing on me and to keep up my good work?! And who is going help me carry the groceries? And why hasn't he shovelled the front step? I needed my feet rubbed on Friday, and I had to do it myself! lol

I'm laughing, but I'm serious.

That's new!!

I got a job in a bar called Marquee, so I worked all day at one job and then stood all night at another- hence needing a foot rub... http://marqueemansion.com/

I interviewed there on Thursday and started on Friday- training shift. I'll be working one or two shifts a week... hopefully just one, if they do end up hiring me on. Hopefully I will know that by Wednesday. The GM plays co-ed basketball and said she needs a filly for the team and asked me! So I need to get the McPherson house and get my ball gear up in heeeere! lol My coworker told me to go to walmart and get some basketball shoes. He obviously has never played, nor tried going for a jog in a pair of crappy shoes. 

Even if they never ask me to come and play, they were SO damn nice, especially for a bar, that I still can't wrap my head around it. Everyone goes for breakfast together after work.. the owners bought me a shot saying welcome to the team. It was insanely dead on my training shift and they still tipped me out (for the non bartenders out there, that never happens) evenly even though I was a third on a 2 person bar and I still made decent money. 

It is exactly what i wanted- nice people, 2 shifts or less, and the opportunity to get out there and make friends and the dj was great!. Hopefully it works out!!

What else... 

That's kind of it. Am I allowed to be annoyed that a long time friend of my mine lives in Calgary (3 hours away) and can't find an afternoon to grab coffee? I keep offering to drive down. I kind of let them know that I was annoyed by them and politely suggested that whenever they would like to take a turn reaching out, to go for it. I've known them since grade 10... be real. If you're over me since last summer, just say it but don't let foolishly try to make plans with you every week and then nothing ever happen..

Ok... I think that's it. 

My life has become boring. 

If you haven't already, can you shoot me an email or text and let me know that you receive my little updates? It makes me so happy when I do get a response! Also, my number is the same! ##########- text away!

Thank you family, Mom (McPherson mom that is.. real Mom falls under 'family'), R2 and Ola for your diligent attention. It always comes at the right moments (cue tears).

Aw. my least favourite part where I begin bawling as I write goodbye. 

... I'll go sweat it out at yoga. 

I love each of you.

Always.

Love. 

Update # 4

Hello Family and Friends,

Just about to get crazy on my Friday night here in EdMonTon... As in I'm washed up for bed and heading there as soon as I hit send. 

But. I knew you (you're like my new blog readers... only I force you to read by sending you my message directly. Thanks btw. lol) would want to know what the deal is with my new boyfriend.

yes. That's right; I have a boyfriend. I didn't consent of course. Being that my sales guy, ROD, told his boss that I'm his girlfriend, refers to me as such in emails and calls me to 'talk about the car' and then wants to discuss us. WTF.

That car that I mentioned that I'm leasing that I got on Saturday and would get in two weeks... they sold it to someone else... and that was the last one. WHAT WAS THE POINT OF MY DEPOSIT AND CONTRACT?!?!? Long annoying story short, ROD sold me another one, a model  up- for less than it markets for, and didn't have it available.. so I went to his boss... who did the same thing with another car. But this time I figured it out because I found the location he was going to get it from and I called them. They didn't  have the car either... it was sold.

SO. I scrapped ROD and his boss and went to that other dealer (in Red Deer Alberta) and am buying a car outside of my initial budget. yayaya.... give me your lessons later. And after i confirmed with ROD and his boss that i would not be buying a car from them and to give me my deposit back, ROD proceeded to call me several times, text me, email ect. 

In his final email, he wrote this:

"I pride myself on being professional and trying to go that extra mile for my customers which is reflected by the numerous repeat and referral customers I have been having lately.

 

And on a personal note, I had a blast with you on your birthday and think your an awesome and very passionate and beautiful woman who is possessed with a fantastic smile and I would love to have hung out with you but I think it might be best we go our separate ways.

Your non responsiveness when I mentioned the " other relationship " (for lack of a better term), several times in previous emails has lead me to believe you just wanted it to remain professional and I fully understand and respect that. Or am I misunderstanding this also?

 

Anyways, thanks for the opportunity to try and earn your business and for the great date,

 

take care of yourself and all the luck," 

Did I tell you he's 42? I love that he almost knows that I'm not interested. Fool. When I told his manager about how weird he was being, he burst out laughing and said that he knew... and that he's never known ROD to date or even talk to women so he can understand how excited ROD must be.

All I'm saying is,.... isn't ROD the name of a car from the movie Cars? I don't know.... definitely not the winning car. I'll ask my nephew.. he's 2 and apparently judges people better than I do..!

WINNING!!

Speaking of which. I purchased a car today (McQueen approved). In Red Deer. It takes about 1.5hours each way to get there. So I'm not sure how I will get there to pick it up... but it's mine as of tomorrow!! Insurance kicks in Monday... any day after that I can get it!!!

I'm a wee bit tired at this moment, due to the near 4 hours that I spent driving plus the test drive time.

which is what spawned me to write this email...

Highway 2, in Alberta, is a massive span of highway... next to the Trans Canada of course. There are more cars in the ditch than there are 'deer crossing' signs than there are cars (as opposed to trucks) than there are cops... 

When I was leaving the dealer at 6:30pm... the sun was almost down and he warned me to watch out for deer (after he suggested that while it would be nice for me to see the mountains and trails, it's probably best that I don't so I don't get mauled by a pack of the various types of animals. In Sum- Wilderness fun alone, is not fun). It's hard to watch for deer, when one mistake at the wheel will land you in 10 feet of ditch... (why dig the ditches down like that?), or when the pot holes are so big you can't be watching the bushes for eyes, or that when you do look for eyes, you see them and slam on your breaks, but the 'eyes' are a ditched cars, reflective gear ect. 

TREACHERY.

I don't know how much it costs at home, but it's $25 with tax to have a chip in your window fixed... it happens so often. I discovered today that Alberta is trying to adopt Ontario's winter road treatment. Just do it. Gravel is unsafe... and I don't want your stupid roads to ruin my new car :D

ALSO. 

This update is really boring. I probably won't even post it on my blog. lol

I'm so tired. 

I hate waking up (well... my alarm goes off at 5:45am, I wake up at about 6, get up at about 6:20 {except the last two days I got up at 6:50 and raced to work.. oops!}, shower and eat by 7 and then smash a coffee and hop in the car by 7:15) so early... If we didn't all eat lunch together, I would nap instead of eating.

speaking of which... seems like winter weight out here is different... it's thicker. lol. fml. but mostly lol.

OK> BORING EMAIL OVER BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO TO BED OR SWIG. OR BOTH.

Preet said she would send me a hug today. I got it, but I haven't opened it yet.. I'm going to do so before bed. but if any of you would like to send me a hug, you have my address. and my email. and my number is still ##########

i miss your hugs.

(Chris, Nicole, Preet, Dad.. I owe you calls or emails back!- thank you for them.)

Also. Locals call the West Edmonton Mall 'West Ed'.... WHY?!?! And can't these damn rednecks say anything properly!? West Ed?! Really? That could mean anything.. west ed apartments west ed community centre, west ed (location) or MAYBE West Ed is West END and I can't understand your lack of enunciation..! 

As someone who cares about me, if you catch a change in the way that I speak, please- tell me, mock me.. do what you have to do to get the old Bobbi talk back... Daddy- do you feel to debate that? HOW YOU DO?! 

If you are unable to get me a hug all the way out here, then please send some or one to 419b dayna crescent. My pregnant sister has two more weeks of work before she's off and I KNOW she could use the energy and love (I LOVE YOU SISTER!).

Love you. miss you.

I cry every time I write that, and just before I push send. It's a happy sad cry. Because, like I said, love you- miss you.

I drew you a picture of the roads. It's selling for like, oh I don't know, the same price as other famous art is selling for in Edmonton... so, don't try and copy it.

stay well.

Love.

Ps. "I googled you"

Confessions From Your Last Relationship

I am supposed to be working... but instead I'm kind of working and mostly thinking about the conversation I had with the old ex last night. 

I will never understand lying to someone... whether it be by omission or many many white lies or what. I just don't get how doing a wrong, can make something right or make you look better or convince you that you're more lovable behind the veil. Just don't do it. 

The two relationships I admire the most and have the most love in them, have no secrets. Tony and Lola, Mark and Maggie.

Regardless, it made me think of these two lovely Marilyn Monroe quotes..