Interview

When I was at work on Saturday a customer I served offered me a job- or at least the opportunity to come in and interview for a job. I indeed emailed him and he emailed me back and hence I go for an interview!
I'm not exactly sure what the job is and therefore do not know what I'd be doing... or how much I'd be making. I'm sure whatever it is, it would be a more delightful challenge than what I'm doing now.
We'll see.
And while I'm nervous for the interview, I'm currently more frustrated and angry at myself for wasting my day, than I am to interview.

I woke up and got ready to go shopping to purchase a professional outfit for my interview, only to discover that while leaving in a huff to go to the BF's house to sleep the night before, I'd forgotten the set of keys he'd given me to his place.
I could've left- I spoke to him and he said it was fine of I left his place unlocked. I didn't want to do that Just In Case. Aaand I was super tired and hungry and figured that I would have all evening to find an outfit- how long could it take?!
My sister and handsome nephew came up and we went to an audition at 5:30- we'll see how that goes as I can't seem to book anything- hopefully I don't jinx the poor kid. Then we went to the eatons centre. Everything takes longer when a stroller is involved. Just something I noticed. And that there are a lot of lazy people taking the elevator when they could walk or use the escalator. We have a stroller people... what's you're excuse for being lazy?!?!?!
the BF met us shopping. Big mistake. My sister is sweet and understands my desire to look trendy and still be comfortable, the BF is an ex Bay street guy and I believe wants a shot at being on the Fashion Police aaaand it seems when it comes to me spending money on my own clothes, is also cheap.

The first outfit I tried on I wanted but was convinced it was too expensive. And on and on went the trying on and opposing feedback.
I eventually just got the first outfit- I didn't end up finding, however, an appropriate shoe. Oh well.

And then rather than coming home and prepping for the interview, sleeping at the BF's house which is much closer to the interview than where I live, I went to a movie as I'd promised the BF I would.
I also didn't work out for toughmudder (.com)  yet again. I had poutine instead. FML.

Then I arrived home at about 12:30am with no printer, and no resumes printed off, no method of transport as that is also at the BF's and no prep done.

And then the BF curled up in my bed after getting himself a glass of water and asked me what he could do to help.
I wanted to shin kick up and scream and yell and cry.

Instead I suggest he head home as I have a lot of figuring to do for the night and I didn't want to blame him because I'm an idiot and didn't do anything I was supposed to do.

Now the internet keeps working... intermittently. Very annoying. and I'm going to plug away and hopefully get enough sleep to not randomly cry during my interview.

KICK ROCKS! I am so mad at myself.  

Moving Boxes

I'm moving. Next week.
I'm not sure where to though...
Or if I'm moving alone or in the with the BF.

I do know that I haven't found a home yet and that I have found a storage locker to store my things until I do find my home.

When I find this home, I am not moving until I buy my own.

I forget every year how much work moving is and how much I dislike doing it.

I've moved every year since 2004. sometimes twice in one year.

I'm not doing it again for a while!!!

Post Vacation Recovery...

So I did this wonderful thing on my vacay. I slept. I passed out hard every night by midnight. I didn't always have the best sleeps but I was in bed and I stayed there until I smelled breakfast around 8am. It was pretty great.
Now I'm back to life, trying to start training for ToughMudder(.com) and back at my work schedule (3pm-3am four to five days a week) and I can't sleep past 9am! Problematic when you hit the hay at 4am.

I biked to work yesterday. 9.6km each way. I'll be doing it again today. Only I'll bike to the BF's after work tonight. It's closer. Maybe like 4km.

I'm excited to sleep in his bed. It's so comfy.

I'm Back

Just got back from Jamaica- I went with my BF and met up with my dad and lil sister for a bit- stayed at a resort. with family. in the country. in kingston. went to the beach a bit. fought a lot of mosquito's- I'm not sure if I won or not.
While I was at my Aunt Pat's house, she suggested, that if BF or I have a blog, we blog about the ants we had in our food, the crappy restaurants, the few activities and the staff that begged for money during our stay at the lovely Riu (http://www.riu.com/en/Paises/jamaica/ocho-rios/clubhotel-riu-ocho-rios/oferta.jsp).
I didn't mention that I have a blog because it's been so long since I wrote in it.
And since it's been so long since I've blogged I didn't think it would be appropriate to complain about my vacation in my return.

But it did make me think about blogging again... and all of the things that I used to do. I used to sit on my laptop for hours looking for acting work, reading the papers, looking for jobs, trying to find free courses. and watching tv all the while.
I used to learn monologues that I would never remember or do for an audition just to keep myself sharp. I used to go for long rollerblades or short runs.

I also didn't have a job. OR I had a job and worked less than 30 hours a week.

Now I work over 45hours a week and when I'm not working I'm sleeping or being grumpy that I haven't booked an acting gig since this time last year...

But I decided, when my Aunt asked if we had a blog, that I should be doing more. that I can do more. So I'm going to start small. I'll start with my blog.

Wolves.

A wise man said: "My son, there's a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."
The grandson thought about this for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

There's something wrong with me....

Have you ever watched a competition or watched someone get a reward and in your head your mumbling to yourself well if i'd had a shot at it i would've done better than that or someone's telling you about some victory they've had and you think pfff if that's how you faired i know i'd do even better.

Does that make me evil? I mean for the most part I think it's funny- funny that I think that, that is... but I do it a lot- not giving people enough credit. I usually just say what I'm thinking out loud, it avoids future guilt- because it's not like it's super evil. For example, I'll go shopping with a girlfriend and she'll try on an adorable dress she saw before I did and it looks good on her but it would look great on me... so I say, "Let me know if you're going to get that or not so I can try it on, I think it will look great on me."
Is that evil? Because it's not that you don't look good... and I would never put someone else down...Are my friends reading this and recapping all of our shopping trips together!? ugh. I didn't say I ALWAYS think that- it was just an example!

So my Grandpa was a carpenter and when we were young he bought my siblings and I a scroll saw for Christmas. I was lucky enough to have shop class growing up too. So I made things. Shelves, garbage cans ect. I used to sand the wood down so it was pillow soft to the touch. In class we used to have to make up the drafts as well; tedious but important work.
Soooo... When we moved into our current location, I selected the dining room to decorate and couldn't find a table small enough to fit the room. So based on a table that was way too small that was given me, I thought of getting a barndoor like table- something thick and rustic looking. I was taken to this one shop by The Guy I Guess I'm Dating and they had restored these old barn doors ect but they were super expensive- like small tables without legs for 1000$- a table that sat 6 was around 3000$.
So we left the store with me mumbling about how hungry I was, I'd just found out my credit card had been frauded (yeah) and how I could just make the tables myself.
Later that week I went to Homehardware to buy the supplies- it took several trips to find a location with quality service AND supplies but when I did find one I got all of my stuff and....
Dropped it off at The Guy I Guess I'm Dating's house. I live in a tiny condo. I don't have a saw any more or a sander or woodclamps, just a measuring tape. He had offered to do it for me so I said yes.
It annoyed me deeply by how long it took- but the guy has a full time job and a billion friends, plus he's trying to date me... his life's busy. It also annoyed me when he would make other suggestions for the design; isn't part of designing something because you've designed it exactly as you want it?
Turns out the stain I'd selected was too red, I'm glad he caught that on a piece of "sample wood". about 5 weeks later the table was done, and in my condo. I had ordered the table lags from California. Then I waited another month to put the table legs on. I felt bad for The Guy I Guess I'm Dating because he'd done so much work on the table already and had to have surgery- so I left the legs off and he came by the other day to complete his 'man work'. I cringed watching him do it.
I thought I was cringing because of the way he was doing it- the table was flipped upside down on the floor and he sat on it....- but a few days later I've discovered I'm cringing because I didn't do the whole thing myself.
People see the table and think it's beautiful- because it is. My mom had offered to do the table as well, as she has a wide range of power tools and the scroll saw. If I'd let her (she's even busier then The Guy I Guess I'm Dating) then I would've been able to help and felt some pride towards the table.

So now The Guy I Guess I'm Dating wants to change the table legs (aka not order in wrought iron table legs from Cali but use wooden legs he can make) and make a slight other change to the table. And so he should, he's an artist with the time (currently) and resources to make several tables a month and sell them for a fraction of the price of that over priced store we'd looked in; he stands to gain a lot.

Today The Guy I Guess I'm Seeing suggested a name for the table and I suggested he name it after me, being that the table idea WAS mine.  I'm not sure if he agreed or if the whole (bbm) conversation was had in laughter...

Regardless, every time I look at the table or someone compliments it I like it a little bit less because all I'm thinking is pfff I could've done that. and in half the time"
Does that make me a horrible person?

Sleeping

You know when you're a little grumpy and everything bugs you a little more than it should- if at all? That's me today.

I'm getting my mortgage license and people in class ask questions like, "where do I find the equals button on the calculator?" or "rather than compounding interest semi-annually, why not just decrease the principle?" I want to slap them all but I was raised on the philosophy that violence is never the answer. *sigh*

Our place is a mess and it can't seem to be kept anything other than messy- I've given up. It's a condo so it's always dusty. Plus things are all pulled apart for painting or refurbishing ect- it's a cluster fuck.

I am wondering today where the line is drawn when it comes to making yourself happy, and how you know when you've gone too far beyond it or not close enough.
How do you know when it makes sense to put one thing ahead of the other. What if peace of mind and happiness can't always co-exist?

If I have fewer friends, or lower expectations or stay single, I have fewer people to please or disappoint, including myself and could potentially have things my way all of the time- which is how I like things. Sometimes having my way is doing things your way, unless you can't decide what that is and then I want things my way again wherein I would rather be free of your company so I can make my own independant decisions concerning only me.

Which leads me to wonder if I'll ever be capable of actually executing those sorts of selfish decisions- because I never do and often get myself stuck a little deep in situations I don't want to be in, or should've known better than getting into.

So my other concern is how do I stop doing that? Or start being a little bit more selfish. And then I wonder where the "selfish" line is... which leads to a whole new thought process...

And finally I end up realizing that getting 4 hours sleep 2 nights in a row, and then 2 nights of 6 hours of sleep doesn't look good on me and makes me wonder too much.
But, am I wondering these things because they need to be wondered or am I wondering them because I'm so tired that every little thing is bugging me just a little bit more than usual?