Ghosted

I feel very angry and betrayed by myself that I worry about a man who cannot even say BYE. But this is me not messaging to make sure you are not hold up in some fire since your company is still working away... and I worry.

Shamefully.

Where the heart is

It is extremely difficult to exist in a place where you are asked to be invisible, make no sound, leave no trace.

"Why Modern Dating Makes Me Want To Punch Myself in the Throat"

By Melissa Moeller

THIS JUST HAPPENED TO ME, and although the writer and I are a decade apart, I COULDN'T AGREE MORE. Finally dating and I'm too honest with myself and my feelings to 'know how' and therefore vulnerable and hurt when those in the 'know' scathe. Cowards.

That you Melissa!!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/melissa-moeller/2016/04/why-modern-dating-makes-me-want-to-punch-myself-in-the-throat/

This bit is my fave,  "...So here’s my idea: let’s all stop being little fucks. Respect other people enough to tell them the truth. If someone makes you happy, tell them. If someone inspires you, tell them. If you’re not interested in someone, please just fucking tell them. Don’t ignore people until they disappear. It’s time we grow up..."

I make rash decisions

So I hated my job, the money sucked, I was uncomfortable at home, I was questioning the quality of some of the friendships that I had developed for various reasons, and I seemed to have developed a pattern of dating emotionally unavailable men- to say the least, and the last one ( voice for  radio and a face for television guy), really hurt.

So during a rather epic melt down, I opted to pack up whatever I could and head home for the summer.
No job in sight, no plans, small budget. I just pretended to be hopeful. And that was easy because I foolishly spoke with or texted with Voice for  Radio and a Face for Television the entire 3 day drive- when I had service. And it was easy because aside from a few wonderful friends, I wasn't leaving much happiness behind.
When I wasn't chatting with him, or avoiding calls where the caller would ask questions that I wasn't prepared to answer, I was making a list of things that I loved about myself- I've been working on it for 5 months and was finally able to come up with 5 things. I made lists of qualities that I want to be more aware of- qualities that I don't admire but am typically unaware of until they've derailed me. I pictured my summer, and the 6 months that will follow it, I idealized my bank account balance, and went over plans to get out of debt. I tried not to think about the people that I was leaving behind, even if it is just for a short while, because I didn't need any additional reasons to cry.
I slept under the sun, and kept my eyes peeled for moose at night.

And then I got home and realised that it had changed and home had become a place unknown. That is, I'm not sure where I call home at this point. The one that I grew up with and in, I don't like any more. The one that I was trying to build in Edmonton, I packed up or sold or gave away because I wanted no reminder of it or any man that I'd ever shared a home with-Aside from the pleasant memories I will always hold onto, I did succeed.

So now I"m in my home town, with a beautiful jeep that will never have enough trunk space (WHY DIDN'T I GET THE WRANGLER) contemplating driving to some other place. Where should that be?- I'd like to start over.
again.


"...‘Girls like you’ your mother says 
'are going to be disappointed a lot.’ 
She’s chopping coriander so fast that her hand is a blur 
and you’re 12 and you’re standing 
like a tremble, grubby knees and tear stained cheeks,
an offering in front of her
'Why?’ Your voice is a quiet shake. 
She puts the knife down and calls you 'jaan’ 
she holds your face in her wet hands,
you don’t flinch because this
is what love looks like
she kisses your forehead like forgiveness
'because you mean what you say, 
you think other people are the same.’ "
taken from Azra T.'s jaan e-maan

Hustle

We are so often our greatest. disappointments.
We work so hard, but forget to include ourselves.
We are deserving.
You are. deserving.
Heaven knows, and she's not real.
You deserve.

I hate my job

Being confident, despite being abundantly aware of my short comings, does not make me crazy or an inevitable cat lady- it makes me willing to love myself despite myself. And being willing to ask for what I need or stand up for myself does not make me bitchy or pushy- it makes me aware of my worth and it is never at the cost of anyone else.

And taking care of myself is already hard to do.

So I'll kindly ask you to stop making it harder.
Bitches all over the place.

This doesn't count!

New Years resolution- go on more dates or even 1 date! It wasn't on my laminated copy, but I promised myself that in exchange for dating and putting myself out there, that I would be realistic and rational and be abundantly aware, within my power, to not be foolish or lavish with my feelings. That I wouldn't cry when all signs pointed to FOOL DON'T FEEL and then feel and then cry.
3 months. Now 24 hours of tears. Damn it

How did this happen?
But. He has a voice for radio, a face for television... and a brain for stories, random beautiful facts, a heart of gold and sexy hands.
So the number that has been done to him is apparently not one that I'm patient enough  to endure. And my number isn't one that he's even asked about. But why did he initiate a courtship he wasn't ready or whole for? That's selfish, isn't it?
I guess that's how we hurt- so oblivious and isolated until we see that we don't have to be but it might be too late  by then.

I'm going to replace dating with volunteer work- more fulfilling!!!