Wolves.

A wise man said: "My son, there's a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."
The grandson thought about this for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

There's something wrong with me....

Have you ever watched a competition or watched someone get a reward and in your head your mumbling to yourself well if i'd had a shot at it i would've done better than that or someone's telling you about some victory they've had and you think pfff if that's how you faired i know i'd do even better.

Does that make me evil? I mean for the most part I think it's funny- funny that I think that, that is... but I do it a lot- not giving people enough credit. I usually just say what I'm thinking out loud, it avoids future guilt- because it's not like it's super evil. For example, I'll go shopping with a girlfriend and she'll try on an adorable dress she saw before I did and it looks good on her but it would look great on me... so I say, "Let me know if you're going to get that or not so I can try it on, I think it will look great on me."
Is that evil? Because it's not that you don't look good... and I would never put someone else down...Are my friends reading this and recapping all of our shopping trips together!? ugh. I didn't say I ALWAYS think that- it was just an example!

So my Grandpa was a carpenter and when we were young he bought my siblings and I a scroll saw for Christmas. I was lucky enough to have shop class growing up too. So I made things. Shelves, garbage cans ect. I used to sand the wood down so it was pillow soft to the touch. In class we used to have to make up the drafts as well; tedious but important work.
Soooo... When we moved into our current location, I selected the dining room to decorate and couldn't find a table small enough to fit the room. So based on a table that was way too small that was given me, I thought of getting a barndoor like table- something thick and rustic looking. I was taken to this one shop by The Guy I Guess I'm Dating and they had restored these old barn doors ect but they were super expensive- like small tables without legs for 1000$- a table that sat 6 was around 3000$.
So we left the store with me mumbling about how hungry I was, I'd just found out my credit card had been frauded (yeah) and how I could just make the tables myself.
Later that week I went to Homehardware to buy the supplies- it took several trips to find a location with quality service AND supplies but when I did find one I got all of my stuff and....
Dropped it off at The Guy I Guess I'm Dating's house. I live in a tiny condo. I don't have a saw any more or a sander or woodclamps, just a measuring tape. He had offered to do it for me so I said yes.
It annoyed me deeply by how long it took- but the guy has a full time job and a billion friends, plus he's trying to date me... his life's busy. It also annoyed me when he would make other suggestions for the design; isn't part of designing something because you've designed it exactly as you want it?
Turns out the stain I'd selected was too red, I'm glad he caught that on a piece of "sample wood". about 5 weeks later the table was done, and in my condo. I had ordered the table lags from California. Then I waited another month to put the table legs on. I felt bad for The Guy I Guess I'm Dating because he'd done so much work on the table already and had to have surgery- so I left the legs off and he came by the other day to complete his 'man work'. I cringed watching him do it.
I thought I was cringing because of the way he was doing it- the table was flipped upside down on the floor and he sat on it....- but a few days later I've discovered I'm cringing because I didn't do the whole thing myself.
People see the table and think it's beautiful- because it is. My mom had offered to do the table as well, as she has a wide range of power tools and the scroll saw. If I'd let her (she's even busier then The Guy I Guess I'm Dating) then I would've been able to help and felt some pride towards the table.

So now The Guy I Guess I'm Dating wants to change the table legs (aka not order in wrought iron table legs from Cali but use wooden legs he can make) and make a slight other change to the table. And so he should, he's an artist with the time (currently) and resources to make several tables a month and sell them for a fraction of the price of that over priced store we'd looked in; he stands to gain a lot.

Today The Guy I Guess I'm Seeing suggested a name for the table and I suggested he name it after me, being that the table idea WAS mine.  I'm not sure if he agreed or if the whole (bbm) conversation was had in laughter...

Regardless, every time I look at the table or someone compliments it I like it a little bit less because all I'm thinking is pfff I could've done that. and in half the time"
Does that make me a horrible person?

Sleeping

You know when you're a little grumpy and everything bugs you a little more than it should- if at all? That's me today.

I'm getting my mortgage license and people in class ask questions like, "where do I find the equals button on the calculator?" or "rather than compounding interest semi-annually, why not just decrease the principle?" I want to slap them all but I was raised on the philosophy that violence is never the answer. *sigh*

Our place is a mess and it can't seem to be kept anything other than messy- I've given up. It's a condo so it's always dusty. Plus things are all pulled apart for painting or refurbishing ect- it's a cluster fuck.

I am wondering today where the line is drawn when it comes to making yourself happy, and how you know when you've gone too far beyond it or not close enough.
How do you know when it makes sense to put one thing ahead of the other. What if peace of mind and happiness can't always co-exist?

If I have fewer friends, or lower expectations or stay single, I have fewer people to please or disappoint, including myself and could potentially have things my way all of the time- which is how I like things. Sometimes having my way is doing things your way, unless you can't decide what that is and then I want things my way again wherein I would rather be free of your company so I can make my own independant decisions concerning only me.

Which leads me to wonder if I'll ever be capable of actually executing those sorts of selfish decisions- because I never do and often get myself stuck a little deep in situations I don't want to be in, or should've known better than getting into.

So my other concern is how do I stop doing that? Or start being a little bit more selfish. And then I wonder where the "selfish" line is... which leads to a whole new thought process...

And finally I end up realizing that getting 4 hours sleep 2 nights in a row, and then 2 nights of 6 hours of sleep doesn't look good on me and makes me wonder too much.
But, am I wondering these things because they need to be wondered or am I wondering them because I'm so tired that every little thing is bugging me just a little bit more than usual?

Bucket List

yes. my brilliant blog title probably gave it away- but I did indeed just watch The Bucket List. Brilliant
I've had it since it came out and this is the second time I've watched it. Bc it's so sad I can't handle it- that crazy mix of death and happiness, facing your mortality and appreciating the life you've had and the life you have left to live.
I've been grumpy lately- but I didn't think I was. I'm really glad that this was one of the few movies I had to choose from and that I chose it.
Bc the refresher was needed. and nice. to say the least.

Can you measure yourself by the people that measure themselves by you?
Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?