Leduc, Alberta

Dear Weather God's,

I'd prefer if you didn't fuck with me. How was it 11 degrees Celsius the day before I arrived? And now it's-22 plus windchill... and you saaay that it's going to be-5 tomorrow.
Prove it... double dog dare you.

Regards.

Also... FML. What was I thinking??!?

Wtf Have I Done

I landed in Edmonton a few hours ago... no friends no job no place to stay and really no money. But I'm here on my own terms.
To make money and I'll make it work.

On my way to the last minute random flight to come out here I got the call I've dreamed about for the last 6 years... the do you want to be in my play call. The pay is shit buy that's not the point...

So I'm laying in my motel bed wondering what tomorrow could bring that's better than the phone call of my dreams.

I left Toronto because I can't find reasonable work or book any acting work. Nisku Alberta is cheap rent, good wage. Pay off debt and go back to acting in 2014ish... take classes in the mean time.
Stay and work and get out of debt and find happy or, go back to TO and be happy and broke as fuuuuck.

What do I do!?

Please send me your feedback!

See ya!

I'm moving to Edmonton. On Monday
On a slight whim.

Because I'm struggling in Toronto to make my life what I want it to be so I'm going to start fresh where the only person I know is my bro.

Starting fresh in-40. Perfectly normal.

Vacation Alone Required

I want to be the kind of person you feel comfortable telling the truth to. And I want you to tell it to me.

I am quite certain that that is one of my downfalls. At least, that's what I keep being told.

I'm thinking of not saying anything to anyone and just going and finding some sun. Just to be alone for a bit for the first time since.... 2008...

!

Warning

I was warned by fellow bloggers when I first started down the blogging road, to be polite and not say anything too personal.
Well... I'm not doing any creative writing and my life isn't exciting enough to write down. I don't run a charity that I'd like to endorse and I'm not stalking anyone and have tales to regale you with from that.

I have no strong feelings about what I write- that is I'm not afraid of it. Because it's all true. And there's plenty more... and also, many people that would have strong and unpleasant feelings about the more..!

Anyway...

I still haven't decided what to do... Stay or Go?

Someone/thing give me a sign.

Terminator

Every time I talk to JWs, it is like we break up all over again. We do the dance where he only tells me some of the truth for fear of disappointing me and I eventually get tired of prying and get annoyed. Then he says or implies that I'm mean and unsympathetic and far less sensitive and of course, trying to pick a fight. And I give up and remember that he lied, or falsified far too many things during our stint and start to get defensive. And then he says he is too tired and doesn't care to fight...
(sidenote: anyone who has ever said that- is so annoying. Nobody wants to fight their friends, family, or lover you idiot- they want to know that they're understood. Nobody WANTS to fight, they want to be heard and maybe if you weren't such an ignoramus, you'd realise that the conversation you're having is with someone scratching for a shot sharing and hearing at the truth)
...and you say you didn't know you were fighting but FIIINEEE! Goodnight. And then 5 minutes later you take back the 'good' and just say 'night'.Even though its only 9:30 and you won't go to bed for hours.
And then you spend the next few days feeling like you broke up all over again.

And it's sad and embarrassing so you don't tell your friends because its been too many months since he left and you promised at new years that you were over him.
And you are. Truely. And you know that you're not a good fit and don't want to be with him, you just want all of that time you spent together to make sense and it definitely doesn't if every conversation ends with the same thing. He runs and you over think it.

I may have "dodged a bullet" but I still got hit by some of the other ones....
(Also. How much longer until I can make shooting jokes? Probably never..)

Anyways...

None of that will happen again. Cause I terminated it.

Bobbi is back. SHOUT!!

The Truth Is

The truth is...
Well, it doesn't matter. Because you don't want to hear it. You won't believe it. Because you've already made up your own truth.
The truth is powerless against you. Because you don't care, aren't ready, are too good for it.

Some of my truths are sad and some a little shameful. Most I embrace, a few I hide. And while not all at the best pace, I face all of my truths the beat that I can as quickly as I can. I'm gonna have to someday, why not now?

Such a scary thing it is- being honest with yourself.
It may be the best thing for you.

In 5 days in 5 months in 5 years, will you look back and be proud of how you dealt with your truth?

Thanks Google. I hope

I am torn over what to do. I've no job and haven't been able to find one. I've been hunting for anything in toronto and west since December while living for free and nada. Sooo. I could move out west with a friend where there are more jobs but living is no longer free... but I could probably find a job within two weeks.  

I've been torn over what to do.

I've talked to family and friends and they say that they couldn't decide either, if they were in my shoes. Damn it.

So I googled it. 

And my search says...

I'm bored.

I'd love to regale you with tales of adventure,  but the most adventure I've had this week was prying the tiny chunk of carrot that fell under my 'shift' key out. I didn't get it- now it's stuck underneath my 'backspace' key and my shift key has broken (I wretched it off) right off of my keyboard.
I can't get it back on.
i've heard that before

An old schoolmate of mine passed this week. But I can't talk about it yet because I'm annoyed by it. Of course saddened. I just wish sad was the only think I felt about it.

I've been sitting in the same spot for days looking for jobs...

I'M SO BORED.

Somebody save me.

I'd would like to see a movie, go for a hike, have sex, eat pizza, sip beer and fall asleep watching one of my favourite tv shows. Preferably while laying in someones arms.

I QUIT!

I am quite confident that if I could just throw a temper tantrum, scream and shout, both at nothing and at people, including the mirror, break a few things, dent a couple of cars, and maybe eat a poutine and giant bowl of strawberries, wash it down with some chips (sour cream and onion lays please!) and beer and have a nap, then I would feel less stressed about writing this STUPID CV I'm supposed to be doing for a woman I've never met for a job I might not get.
My resume has been edited by 3 different professionals in fields that I would be sending it in to- they made some changes and suggestions, which I have since made. I've also had my resume looked at by a professional resume writer. So having to re-do for it stranger is actually driving me insane. It's not like I just threw it together!!
Now granted, she IS making suggestions. She said that based on my experience level, it should be about 26 pages.

WHO IS GOING TO READ THAT?!

I guarantee that I'm not going to!!! I'm not going to flip back through a 26 page exaggeration about myself even to proofread it!! That spell check tool had better pull through.

I just hate sitting at a desk (or on the floor in this case) and doing the same thing- typing and thinking about the same thing. SIGH SO LOUD AND DEEP AND LONG!

Okay. Here I go.

I must appreciate and move forward. 

I'm filling up on coffee

If I seem a bit testy, it's because I'm starving.

I'm detoxing. There aren't enough vegetables in the world to hold off my hunger and cravings at this moment.. especially after the epic work out that I  had today.
I question whether or not I'll be able to get out of bed tomorrow- I'm sure the pain will be intense. And the energy low because I'm SO hungry.
I've been laying in bed for the last hour trying not to fall asleep and not watch any commercials... too many food ads!

But I've gained a disgraceful amount of weight in the last 16 months, so now I must quickly sluff it off.

I was offered a job, just a part time gig acting as an assistant  to a consultant on a project that will last for one month.
The amount of work that I will have to put into just preparing for the job, which, by the way, has such odd hours that I've been asked not to seek other employment, makes me wonder if it's worth it.
Any job is worth it if you're willing I suppose. It's all about the journey, but so far I don't particularly enjoy the person I'll be travelling with.

I also may have prematurely ejaculated the other day (actually that was your problem ;) ); I am indeed over him, but I must acknowledge that I do miss him and think of him often.

On another note, my old girlfriend, who owes my unemployed ass money, is taking a vacation. And to Costa Rica of all places.
You know those people who come into your life, you have a great time with them, lots of laughs lots of memories? Don't lend them money- you don't know how long they're be around.



Also, Hello Germany!!
 

It's a Bullseye or Nada.

I'm not sure how you all fall in love...
If you build friendships and end up falling, or it's love at first sight, or you got knocked up on a first date and learned to love them, or it's a co-worker or maybe you stole you're love from your best friend?

More likely Cupid meant to nail you with a love arrow that sunk so deep, he knew that no wind, no rain, no winter's cold (can stop me baby.. oh baby, cause you are my girl ohoooh!) could come between you and your lover- but he fucked up and only nicked you with it.
So for a while, everything about that person you fell in love with, is adorable, or you can see what's admirable or earnest in the choices and things they do.
But as Cupid's nick wears off and your love starts to mend, or become reality, all of those cute and sweet things from before... well.. they become annoying. or repulsive. or irresponsible.
And you, having had no idea that Cupid had attempted to shoot you in the first place, wonder what you saw in that person for all of that time. Not that there's nothing to see or love, per say... but at the end of the day, had you not been nicked by that stupid arrow, you probably would have liked that person from a far- as a friend, or co-worker, your best friends partner or just as a shameless one night stand. Liked.

It's funny isn't it?
Two weeks ago I was so in love with a man who didn't love me- and for months I've been pining too. Spent almost 2 years together and went through so many things- and in the end when, if we could've just muscled  through for that pot of gold, we would've been golden, he snapped his suspenders and booked it. And just recently for me, something just clicked at the end of December and I don't love him any more...

So what I mean to say is, obviously, that Cupid missed and just nicked me and the wound has finally healed.

Also, I'm on a diet.

Dave's Hot Sauce = Diarrhea Detox

I was just discussing my love for winter with some friends.

I just love hiding my cute outfits under 12" thick jackets, ugly winter boots (because they don't make them cute AND warm, you have to pick one), mittens, earmuffs and thick wool scarves. As a matter of fact, I just love squeezing long-johns underneath that cute outfit to help maintain my normal homoeostatic levels.
I love my nose getting frozen by my sunglasses. I suppose I could wear no sunglasses, but then I'd have to love being blinded by the sun 'sparkling' off of the snow...
I love when my face gets so cold that I have trouble enunciating.
I love that the winter breeze makes my eyes water.
I love sliding down driveways in boots apparently designed to make you move like Bolt, with snow blowing in my face and the fear and panic of that being the last moment of your life.
I love the secure feeling of knowing that passing out in a snow bank is warmer than walking to my destination- it cuts the wind (true story- I was that cold).
I love getting to my destination before the steering wheel gets warm.
I love that the cold seeps into my bones and I feel like I'm recovering from the flu.
I just love winter.
I suppose that was a long list of first world problems...
Blah blah blah... how much longer until the summer?

All that I want to do is stay in bed until noon, especially since it's dark  until 9am anyway. And eat. And sip hot tea. And recall my summer days and my last vacation.
I don't want you to call me at 2pm and ask, 'why are you just getting up?'
I don't want questions about having a hot toddy or two (sp?) for breakfast.
It's not normal to wake up when it's still dark, especially on a weekend and start "getting things done" in the fucking dead of a Canadian winter.
What are you doing in the wee dark and cold hours of a winter morning, that you couldn't do the night before with a vodka soda? Seriously. Even scrap the vodka soda (maybe you're not drinking for the month of January like myself [minus the vodka soda and scotch neat I had today.I had to- I didn't want to be rude])?!? You can even grocery shop online and have that shit delivered so that you don't have leave the house.

I suppose I'm annoyed by the cold, not so much winter. Snow is pretty.
And morning people.
I promised my Sauga mom that I'd vacuum tomorrow. She get's up at 8am. That's in 6 hours and 11 minutes.
I'm going to wash up for bed and then put my clothes for Saturday on... that way I can just get out of bed like being up early makes me feel like a better woman and vacuum bright and early like I mean it.
Expected nap time tomorrow: 10am.

My fish talks to me like my parents do

I think that I packed my nail polish remover away into storage when I moved into storage and to Sauga. I got a discount manicure a couple of weeks ago and last week, when the polish looked really ratty I started picking it off (that gives me much delight... and stress). What wouldn't pick off, I filed it off. Then I buffed my nails so they were beautiful and shaped again.
But then new years eve came, so I repainted them a lovely burgandyish purple. But by the 1st, I was already picking away. Picking off dark nail polish makes your fingers look like they have a very peculiar form of leprosy.
Still having forgotten to pick up nail polish remover (and some blood worms for my fish. again.) I opted to watch back to back episodes of Criminal Minds before bed while filing off my nail polish again.
An alarmingly large amount of my actual nails seems to have come off between these two nail polish removing sessions. My right thumb, index and pinky and left pinky nail beds are pink(er thank normal) and very sensitive to the touch, and all of my finger tips are sensitive where the nail turns white.
They, however, look great.

And my fish just has to eat regular food. We've been staring at each other all day. I'm quite certain that my fish (Kristian is his name by the way) is wondering why I've been sitting in front of him all day on my laptop when I could be playing outside.
I tried to explain to him that it's -2 celcius outside, plus the wind-chill and that there's no sunshine. And that I had no one to play with.
I tried to explain to him that I have no job and these days, 90% of jobs only accept online applications and that that is what I was doing.
I tried to explain to him that I had to finish my writing before I could work out.
He just kept staring at me. Like he thought that those were all excuses....

In theory, this SHOULD work

I have not slept a full night since about August.
I fall asleep around 4 am, wake up around 5:30-6, then 8 and if I fall back asleep then I stay in bed until about 1pm...
Not very productive. Unless I had to work, then I just get up at 8.
So I've been kind of tired.

So my new plan is, to get up by 9:30 every morning, and be in bed by 11pm.. and see how that goes. So far, not so good.

Can we now pause, to reflect on how epically boring this entry is?

I applied for 6 jobs yesterday. Is that exciting. Job hunting sucks- it was so much easier in highschool and university.

Monkey see monkey do.

I haven't been working. Since Dec 14th when my pharma contract was up.

And I've been staying at my friends parents house since Nov 22nd. I would say I've been splitting my time between home this abode in 'Sauga.

They are the sweetest people. They're letting me stay for free and include me in everything. I'm truly lucky.

Although.... the offer for me to stay with them was before I had no job- it was supposed to provide me an opportunity to work and just save my money, not pay a fortune in rent. I feel a bit guilty for staying here when I could just go home... but I'm trying to rotate weeks between home and here and continue to look for work in both places.

Looking for work in suburban areas with shitty transit systems  is quite difficult. 

So I've been applying for work online, and I finally just worked up the courage to venture outside and drop a  few resumes off at a few bars. 

I'm not sure what possessed me to go to Croc Rock in Mississauga to look for work... but I did it and got hired on the spot. And while I was standing there being reviewed and then offered the job, all that I was thinking was A. it smells so badly in here B. I miss Rehab C. I would never have to shower before a shift and D. that the manager cannot be serious about working in the clothes that he was in. VOMIT.

When I got back to my current resting place, I called Croc Rock and lied and said that I just got offered a full time position but thank you. 

I will figure something out. I don't think it's best that I kick my own self when I'm already down. 

NEXT!