Repeat

The same things will happen if you don't make a change.

Also, it may be long, but it will not be forever.

Just a reminder.

What's Your Value

You need money for everything. Food. Shelter. Clothes. Maybe even friends. You definitely need it to pay off debt, go on vacations and own things, like a bus pass or car.

If you don't have money, you really don't have much. The friends will disappear; believe no one who says that money doesn't matter when it comes to friendship or love.
Your family will help you as much as they can but they too need money and to prioritize it for themselves and their own happiness, peace of mind and survival.
There is no fault in a person who takes care of themselves first.

You can always make money. It might not be very much, you might spend more time working to make it then you do sleeping or eating or loving your kids. You might hate what you have to do to make it. You might do illegal things to ensure money comes to you in a regular and timely manner.

If you're not making money, you're spending it; on the food you eat, the clothes you wear, the bed you sleep in. If you're spending money that you're not making or not making enough of, then you're going into deeper and deeper debt. Which makes the money you do make, less valuable because it isn't yours.

The amount of money in your account is what defines you.
Welcome. It's almost 2014 and we are barely getting smarter.

I am going to become an Electrician. Yes, I am a girl, amongst so many other things

"Oct 17, 2013: AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19):
You don’t have to put on an act and pretend you are happy when you are anything but. Whatever it is that has annoyed you so much make sure the world knows about it. Kick up a fuss and get it put right."

Well... the truth of the matter is I can't find a job because I lack focus and apply to everything I see posted as i am not sure that I want what I want. Because usually, when I don't get what I want I'm never really disappointed just annoyed... I mean be serious, how can you be and for how long?

Until recently.

So now I'm not happy because I think that I know what I want and I am struggling to get it and I'm not so sure I'm entitled to get fussy about that.
I know that I also want to be closer to my family.
That may be, as it turns out, a need.
I can't have that and what I want. But if I earn/get lucky enough to get what I want then I can have more visits with my family, a fair compromise I think.

So I guess this is me kicking up a fuss?

Let's be real. Last month I was a Pisces.

Un-indentured Apprentice

I applied for zero jobs today.

Did I mention I don't have a full time job? I'm living on tip to tip working two nights a week at a club because I quit the job I had because I hated it so much. I used to cry knowing that I had to spend 8-11 hours there... with people who didn't like me and vice versa, doing work that I didn't find meaningful and didn't pay well. My happiness is more than that crappy py check and I'd done that to myself before working at Pravda (a great bar) in Toronto and promised myself that I would never do it again.

So I kept my part time job at the amazing Marquee Lounge in Edmonton and enjoyed the Alberta summer, drinking beer and wishing I had a bike to ride around.

And for the last 2 months spend 4 days a week online applying for any job where I think there would be growth potential, hitting the street every now and then with resumes and trying to network with clients and their associates.

I probably should've started volunteering the second that I quit my last job... to build a new network.
I probably should drop more resumes in person.
I probably shouldn't have quit my last job.
I probably shouldn't be discouraged by rejection emails after interviews stating various reasons for the direction they chose.
I probably should narrow my search and really focus on one field.

But I'm really smart. And reliable. And a quick learner. And physically strong. I have my resume on every job bank you can think of. I have all of my tickets to work in the field... and it's high season so I know people are needed (I apply to the ads!) And I have a degree which proves what these days... and a list of amazing references.

It is October 15 and I'm quite certain I've applied for over 70 jobs so far this month. I heard back from one job saying that 'an email with details would follow tomorrow' (nothing... I sent a follow up and check my mail... it's been 4 days) and wake up to auto emails everyday saying that I didn't meet the minimum qualifications (really... it's admin work.. I can learn codes, type letters, book meetings and answer phones... I have been an exec assistant before!!!) but to 'please continue to our careers page'.

My mom asked me again today when I'm going to move home.
My 3 year old light-of-my-life nephew didn't feel like skyping yesterday... he was building a fort.

I didn't apply for any jobs today. I just sent email after email to myself reminding me of places to apply to tomorrow.
I just wasn't up for the rejection you know?

Wednesday. Hump day. Start fresh. Migraine free. Hot off the press resumes and a full tank of gas.

This does not count as Cheating, but it should still be punished.

So I may be on to something when I say I should write about dating.

I got another chance to work with the beautiful and enthusiastic Jennifer Dolynchuk today- she has partnered up to create a documentary on fear and was interviewing me on being afraid of heights.

Then she asked me what other things I am afraid of and suggested spiders and dating... and I went on a small tangent.
When I was done telling the small stories that make up my life she was laughing so hard she was worried that she'd ruined the take... and said it's funny because it's real and we've all experienced it... I think that I agree!?


Anyway...
So this guy, who I desperately do not want to remain nameless but will, is a super asshole. Let's talk about it.
We'll call him FZD from here in.. FRIEND ZONE DAVE.

I actually called him FZD, that was his nickname over the last months. He earned it. We met at a job site and the likeliness of me ever having to work with him again is about 0%... although I can imagine ending up as his boss one day. Wouldn't that be fun....
focus.
So I didn't have to worry about the whole dating a coworker thing. He is super cute, funny, relaxed and fun to hang out with. Being that the last guy who tried to date me, TTC, lied about everything under the sun and was super intense about keeping up that lie- still is-  FZD was a nice break. He is also 2 years younger than me so not 12 years older than me like my last boyfriend... ALSO A LIAR... why and how do I accept these creatures into my life?
focus.
However, the 'let's shag' vibe quickly faded... whenever we hung out he was drunk and would push, hit and strangle me in my sleep and even one time cussed me out because I wouldn't give him a 'blowie' as he calls it. I wouldn't do anything with FZD because he has slept with over 200 women he thinks but has lost count and wouldn't get checked to sleep with me.
Like, I'm no Sports Illustrated model but I think that I'm attractive... and if a guy visits you at work, drives to your town to hang out and shows general interest, he is probably interested right...? So why not get checked.. it's takes 10 minutes.
I, after quickly learning more about FZD decided that I was not actually attracted to FZD, that he was never going to get checked because he is sleeping with other gals and that I was like no other he'd attempted to date because I challenged him, didn't let him push me around and made him laugh. So I told him that we were just going to be friends. Hence FZD.
And he wouldn't take no for an answer. And up until yesterday was reminding me that he was now checked and clean and ready to go.

My frustration with FZD lies in the fact that he wouldn't leave well enough alone and just be friends. He told my roomie that he was going to be the best boyfriend ever to me if I would let him, and told me that he's so attracted to me and misses me when I'm not with him ect.

So this FZD guy whom I do not want to date, but who is trying to sleep with/date me, is dating someone else!

And it infuriates me because I can't stand a liar and we talked about that and then he lied. Clearly he is not capable of being friends because he can't even tell me that he's been dating this girl for however long. And he's trying to bone me. And date this girl. And date me. And is boning that girl. And she's in love. I know this because it's all over facebook (yes. facebook people).

I took the liberty of writing on facebook under their new relationship status that FZD finally getting checked paid off in the long run (blah blah blah i'm such a child.). Her friend didn't like that. I also noticed that his friends didn't like that she claimed that Dave was in a relationship... which just adds to my opinion of him that he keeps his relationships private because he has to because he keeps several on the go.

So most of July, August, September and now October, FZD has been after me. And he's got another lady. WHO DOES THAT?! AND THANK GOODNESS I SAID NO! fzd.

So dating.

This is why ladies and gentleman (and I know that you are out there because my friends have married you and I'm still single so..), it is okay to take your time to get to know someone, to be vulnerable with them, to be generous with them... because you have to protect yourself and them from prematurely giving trust where it is not due.

Honestly

I should start blogging about dating... although at this point it's mostly me just saying no....  So few of the men are appealing to me... and not physically, mentally, emotionally! Be real, looks fade.
And.
There is this weird expectation that because Man thinks Woman is cute, Woman must also think that Man is cute. Not so.

And like seriously, how can Man suggest that Woman will love him if Woman will give Man a chance! Man doesn't even know Woman's name yet... how does Man already know what she likes? What if Woman is a lesbian? Has a Man already? Isn't ready to date? Doesn't want to break Mans heart because he will totally fall for Woman and then she has a serial stalker on her hands?

What if Man spent time getting to know Woman in a normal casual non liplicking way and Woman realised that Man was worth a date or two and goes for it and then man never shows up or drops his phone in the toilet and lost her number or barely speaks during dinner or says he's a doctor and isnt or love making money more than his own body or family or his non-courting true self was not as appealing as the Man he was pretending to be so Woman is over it; hurt and annoyed by the really bad selfish sex but over it... like...

What if...

Broads didn't sleep with the good Man, take their money and run and leave Kelly Clarkson and I to clean up all of those beautiful disasters..?

I should blog/journal about my dating life on the regular.

Also. I saw so many bison today in Elk Island National Park. My blood pressure will never be as low as before this day.