This Is Happening

     My heart has beat, and well, for thirty years. 30. That's fucked up. I can't beat myself off for thirty seconds without a cramp... but I guess those are different muscles.
And my skin, my largest and arguably, most beautiful organ is 30 years.
It is holding in what can only be damaged (slightly and hopefully less) kidneys and liver and lungs; also thirty.
My abs seem to be 40 something with no excuse besides that they never get used... however my back is the same age, if not older, and it's used often and often complains. Nothing happened per say, just those bits of me seem wearied. And wary. Perhaps my 3 year old love handles aren't as kind as their name suggests...
My knees could argue their age but they too are thirty - despite the banging and bending and kneeling, surgeries and jumping and resting across each other.
My feet aren't cute, but they never were. In their humble size of 8.5 on my 5'10" figure carrying an extra 20 pounds, they have served me well and I treat them like queens and they too, are 30. Thirty years. I have got out of bed with them, stood on them when I was tired, kneeled on my toes when I wept as easily as when I played with children, celebrated on them, got from A to B and sometimes even Z... and they kept going even when I passed A again. 30 years!

I have so many wonderfully sad disappointments and more victories, even if small and never once did my 30 year old self retire.

Heaven knows my brain will tease itself and my body all the way to the end, be it bitter or sweet.

I was just feeling lonely and wide awake in my bed and thinking that I didn't shower today and should wash my sheets as their week of worth is almost up anyway... and I meant to write about laundry not this.

I suppose what we do to disgrace this gentle, resilient and recuperating machine called My Body is like doing laundry... we just cleanse away all of our transgressions and rub and rub until the stain is out. Or get used to our new marking.

Cheers my friend, to at least Thirty (x2) more happy and healthy years of washing colourful  loads together!

(My my that cheers was raunchy)

My shoulders are tight

I felt it creeping up but I kept stretching it out. And now it's gotten to the point that even when I'm happy I can't flatten it out.

It is in my mind and in my body and I cannot iron it out on my own.

When will I learn to breathe deeply enough that I can stand up straight and proud and comfortable without having to do it on purpose.
?
Where did my conscious proudness go?

Sharing the Bed

I'm not sure if my bf is a bed hog (he sleeps way down and forces me to be the big spoon... I hate it) or if I enjoy sleeping in the centre of the bed so much that dividing it equally in half would take away part of my true joy.

Oprah and Deepak 21, Day 3

Yesterday's session was so difficult for me that I shamefully wrote just a few lines in my journal.. I just couldn't focus. It could've been because I was worried that I wasn't meditating correctly.. or because I did it before bed rather than at the start of the day.
I did take from the lesson however, the beauty of the whole and found the Mindful Moment to be profound. HOW HAVE I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WAY (“Is this the most nourishing choice for me and everyone around me?” If when you check in with yourself, your choice feels right in your heart, then proceed with abandon.)

SO.

I researched different meditating techniques before bed. Wherein I proceeded to only sleep for only 3 hours despite giving myself 8.5 hours to sleep.
Woke up, got a glass of hot water and took some deep breaths while I listened to today's message.

There is something wonderful about having Oprah's voice play through my mobile wifi... like she's is talking just to me.

What I found most profoundly useful from today's message was 'attention and intention' and allowing abundance to flow easily.
how simple.

I lost the mantra a few times. I forgot what the words that I was saying to myself meant. I lost my posture a few times. I had to keep my eyes gently gazed at the floor because when I closed them I began to fall asleep (so tired). Why did I get sidetracked thinking about my teeth?

However, I had many successes. First of all, I had 10 minutes of silence after reading and listening to incredible life lessons from Deepak and Oprah. I let all of my slip ups go and refocused. the incredible pain that has been shooting up and down my back quieted itself. As the day has worn on, I find myself hearing the desperate noise of the people who can't silence their own negativity and am aware of how similar I can sound.
I appreciate this opportunity to be thankful for this day, the introduced thoughts, the message, the silence and sound of my own breath.
How did it never occur to me to how easily nature takes its course? I am working on being like a rose, not struggling to blossom, just letting it happen naturally, without limiting beliefs.
'Abundance flows easily and freely to me.'

Meditation is a crazy and beautiful thing and the chance to have it led but such peaceful guides is incredible. 

Oprah & Deepak Meditation: Day 1 of 21

I haven't meditated since I joined a led meditation group in first year university. It scared me then and it scares me now.

The web instructions say that you just need to find 10-20 mins a day, preferably in the morning, of silence.

Today was day one of the challenge. I woke up, had coffee, showered, got ready foe the day and was about to head out the door before I remembered that I'd signed up for this 21 day journey.
So I locked myself in my bedroom, jammed in ear plugs and hit the start button on the days message and guided meditation.
Turns out you can't hear Oprah or Deepak's instructions after you deafen yourself... so much for my cheat plan to block out external noise sans deep focus.   without earplugs you can hear the days mantra being given and why and how to use it. Tears streamed down my face.
I couldn't find my deepest desire. How can I be my deepest desire if I don't know what it is or can't word it?

I'm entirely sure I spent 9.9 of the 10 mins try to remember to acknowledge my thoughts and listen to my breath... wondering if people actually see a third eye or if they feel it or if a third eye is how your eyes focus inside your physical brain when they know it's more light outside of your head than in.
Shortly before I I completed my last panicked I-dont-think-I-can-do-this-stillness breath the bell rang and I was released.
The cold tingle in my spine, similar to being decompressed by a chiropractor, warmed; my thoughts cleared and for a brief moment my deepest desire was to be thankful I had given myself this gift...
Of course then I had to quickly journal about my experience (3 lines later..{whhat that's IIT!?}) and then re read the meditation guidelines Oprah and Deepak had provided.
*sigh* I did it right. I stuck through, acknowledge my (many many) thoughts and refocused on the mantra and my breath.
I'm having a rough go of this life right now and really lack direction and don't know where to find myself in my jumble and that 10 minutes renewed my day.
At least I'm attributing my lack of disappointment usually present throughout the day to the new thing in my day: meditation.

This day is a gift. Your gift. The only one like it. If you can stop to be grateful for it no matter what, imagine the life that you could share with others?

Repeat

The same things will happen if you don't make a change.

Also, it may be long, but it will not be forever.

Just a reminder.

What's Your Value

You need money for everything. Food. Shelter. Clothes. Maybe even friends. You definitely need it to pay off debt, go on vacations and own things, like a bus pass or car.

If you don't have money, you really don't have much. The friends will disappear; believe no one who says that money doesn't matter when it comes to friendship or love.
Your family will help you as much as they can but they too need money and to prioritize it for themselves and their own happiness, peace of mind and survival.
There is no fault in a person who takes care of themselves first.

You can always make money. It might not be very much, you might spend more time working to make it then you do sleeping or eating or loving your kids. You might hate what you have to do to make it. You might do illegal things to ensure money comes to you in a regular and timely manner.

If you're not making money, you're spending it; on the food you eat, the clothes you wear, the bed you sleep in. If you're spending money that you're not making or not making enough of, then you're going into deeper and deeper debt. Which makes the money you do make, less valuable because it isn't yours.

The amount of money in your account is what defines you.
Welcome. It's almost 2014 and we are barely getting smarter.