2016. Hi.
2015. Bye. I was turning into a straight up alcoholic.
I would say that 65% of my blog entries have been written while intoxicated, maybe more, definitely not less. I find most of them embarrassing but refuse to erase them because as gross as I may have been, that's exactly who I was in those moments when they were written.
So I had to toss not drinking onto my resolution list. I will not be epic about it, there will just be no casual drinks anymore, no more glasses of wine with dinner, baileys in my coffee, vodka with my late lunch, and spiced rum neat for a night cap...
I spent so much of 2015 struggling to enjoy my jobs and find peace with my income and didn't, find friendships that complimented my enthusiasm for life but was often lonely, used, abused or lamenting over how difficult life can be with said friends. When you spend so much time at work and are unhappy and come home to unhappy relationships or just an empty space you have to find a way to occupy your time.
I filled mine with drink after drink and bottle after bottle.
This is not to say that I don't have work that I find humbling- Im smart, and im getting a second education, im funny and an awesome friend and being a 31 year old bartender in a place where the bartender doesn't make a lot of gratuity is stressful and a reminder of how valuable our time and money are. I'd like to be humbled by my work because I find it satisfying and be grateful for that but instead I'm thankful for the work I have because of the people that I work with- they are all intelligent motivated people (mostly) and that is enough, for now, for me to find peace with my work while I seek to enhance it with a primary option.
And working in a bar I have access to alcohol and people who treat alcohol like most would water.
I would guess that I spent 85% of 2015 with a drink in my hand. Not constantly. Not the first two months at all. But at least every night, and always more than one.
And I met a boy. He led me on in ways that I have never been led on before. And I'd like to blame him for hurting me but I can't say that I wouldn't have ended up being a little hurt anyway. I'm so drawn to his energy that I find it amusing how I ever loved anyone before. We could talk for days; we have.
But he is in a relationship... and I question my integrity in all of the goings-on between us because I know better and my thoughts on fidelity and faithfulness are the opposite of how either of us have behaved. I question my self worth because I continue to conversate with this man who has chosen to be in his relationship over me- what do I think of myself that I would allow myself to be treated This Way, the other woman with no benefit what so ever? And This Way is text messages most mornings and most nights, most of the day, occasional phone calls and infrequent visits that are all always mindful, fun, informative and energetic and I love it, but shouldn't . And This Way is also exclusion from all of our friend events, being in public and all things that a real friendship or relationship have because you are its biggest secret. How shameful I must be to him and to myself you know...?
I wonder if I hadn't been such an alcoholic during all of this time, if I could ever have had just one drink, if I then would've behaved better- with some self respect, if I then would Not have let him make that first move, and never have fallen for him and hurt my own heart.
So I'm giving it a rest- the alcohol (And the boy- I AM trying; he, for some reason is more difficult to break up with).
And it's going to be a challenge... it already is! I had dinner with friends last night and I was asked repeatedly what I wanted to drink and I stuck with my water! I aaaaalmost caved.
But I'll only being having a drink with you on occassions- my birthday maybe, but mostly trips or vacations, thanksgiving and Christmas, and the occasional event like a concert should I ever go to one!..
Wish me luck my friend.
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