Drunk Dial

I'm so glad phones don't auto dial if you gaze at a photo too long. 

Fat

I mean, I'd say it's in your best interest to not sleep with people (again)who tell you you're chubby after the sleeping is done.
Probably don't call them either.

When I...

When I grow up....

A thought I've had every year about the next and the 1- 50 that will follow year one- has changed since I let Mr.  Murray go.

Today,

When I grow up and everyday until I do, I know it won't be easy, but imma love.

K.
Hi.

So there's that

I started to think of my life with you in it.
In big ways.
Only in my dreams.
Sleeping.
Arms around me.
Around my waist.
Around our baby. 
And I don't love you.

This is how we love.

She couldn't let the world know her.
So she went there, where the sheets weren't cleaned and the pillows cases were dried with stains from other times.
Where she proved that in the dark of the crown moulding, that every seem cracks and sometimes water and other things creep in and leave stains.
High above where we can reach
And that's where tears and truth were safe.
Where orgasms bellowed off of from all the men she wouldn't let know her.
Where her child would weep and laugh and jump.
Where she would be quiet. And sometimes so still.
Where she was raw and human and wildly and abundantly alone, but rarely without company.
Because even when alone, was not always in good company.

Staring

Sometimes, don't you want to stare?
Just look so hard.

Maybe not know, but just see. As it is, as it is being, as they show you they are..?

Sometimes I just want to watch.

And request that you don't look back.

Thoughts on Telling the Truth

If you say that you always tell the truth, even if someone doesn't want to hear it, but you wont be honest about your feelings, what exactly is it that you're always so truthful about?
How I can I trust you if you aren't truthful about what matters the most, your heart; and how can I trust that you would honor my feelings when you aren't truthful with your own?

Pain and Suffering.

Pain. Pain happens everyday. Unnoticeably. In small ways and in huge ways. In unmeasureable ways.
Suffering happens but after a while, suffering becomes a choice... it must be.

Orange is the New Black thoughts on thoughts.

Sometimes I admit, I have chosen- choose to suffer. And I don't even notice it.

Do you?

Thunder Stormy Weather

A disproportionately appropriate number of my clothing items are on backwards or inside out because I thought that the power was going to go out and was hurrying.
Perfectly Adult.
You try putting contacts in in the dark!... RUSHING.

In all of my years, I have always been amazed with the sky, with nature, with animals. This morning the sky was amazing and scary.
I am so glad to be out of the house because I'm pretty sure that the next thunder clap was going to collapse the walls- I've never heard anything so loud.  Like any adult, I was so scared I wanted to cry. I needed an adultier adult to protect me...
Option two: Instead I closed the windows, grabbed my lunch and ran to my car- GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!

Friday Night

Sometimes I just get so excited when I crawl into bed.

Even though I have to work at 5am, I'm still very excited about my 4.5 hours of sleep.

My Metabolism is Older Than Me

You know you're taking your ketosis diet too seriously when you swallow a piece of gum and then worry that the 2 carbs will fuck your progress up.

HASHTAG WHERESMYBEACHBODY

People Dying

I know as we get older, we must learn to exclpext to see more death- our grandparents, eventually our parents, and after much time, our peers, and loved ones. But there's just been too much of it.
I guess we hear about death more because there is more media- whether it be social, news or some version of propaganda.
I am saddened by the loss of old friends to cancer,  aunts and uncles to cancer,  grandparents to cancer. I only ever had 1 grandparent alive in my life time and he died over a decade ago- cancer. Children that I know, teachers, friends' siblings,  coworkers, bosses, more children have been dying too- it's overwhelmingly sad. Car accidents, cancer, undiagnosed diseases, cancer, heart disease, cancer...

And then there are all of these humans that I don't know,  but that I weep for, that have died because of the cancer that has spread throughout America.
Ism's.
Opening fire in a gay club because you don't understand sexuality? Just murdered your own kind...
Blowing up street cars, airports, buildings, busses- exchanging lives for a cause because your educating your own kind on your religion?

I believe that pharmaceutically, we have the technology to cure or stop many cancers.
I know that politically, intellectually, socially and  biologically that we have the cure and need to use the cure, to stop, fix  the cancer that is inside of Americas police.  There is a problem with a few police offers and if we don't give them radiation then they're going to spread and I am deeply worried that they will infect the good officers and ruin any chance of a civil cure.  What on earth are we doing to stop this?
The NRA?
The Nightly Show was right, we did more to protect and prevent the same incident from occurring again when a gorilla was shot than we do our own kind.

We are all the same kind you know- human.

And my heart is breaking for us.

https://youtu.be/R07RyFN1cdY

Lazy Wednesday

I don't understand why I have to remind other adults to cough into their elbw, to wash their hands after the pee, to hold the door for another person, to tell the truth, to chew with their mouth closed...

Also correcting someone who says something the wrong way, shouldn't be an insult or rude- a first world English speaker should know how to say 'cracker'. Cracker. Cwakah. It has 2 r's in it.

But what do I know?!.. I'm hiding in "my room", avoiding the roommate I've never met...  who's the adult now?

Just a Tuesday

https://www.instagram.com/p/BG8OyFNgk_p/

Letting go. Is hard to do.  But worth it. Don't you think?

Ghosted

I feel very angry and betrayed by myself that I worry about a man who cannot even say BYE. But this is me not messaging to make sure you are not hold up in some fire since your company is still working away... and I worry.

Shamefully.

Where the heart is

It is extremely difficult to exist in a place where you are asked to be invisible, make no sound, leave no trace.

"Why Modern Dating Makes Me Want To Punch Myself in the Throat"

By Melissa Moeller

THIS JUST HAPPENED TO ME, and although the writer and I are a decade apart, I COULDN'T AGREE MORE. Finally dating and I'm too honest with myself and my feelings to 'know how' and therefore vulnerable and hurt when those in the 'know' scathe. Cowards.

That you Melissa!!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/melissa-moeller/2016/04/why-modern-dating-makes-me-want-to-punch-myself-in-the-throat/

This bit is my fave,  "...So here’s my idea: let’s all stop being little fucks. Respect other people enough to tell them the truth. If someone makes you happy, tell them. If someone inspires you, tell them. If you’re not interested in someone, please just fucking tell them. Don’t ignore people until they disappear. It’s time we grow up..."

I make rash decisions

So I hated my job, the money sucked, I was uncomfortable at home, I was questioning the quality of some of the friendships that I had developed for various reasons, and I seemed to have developed a pattern of dating emotionally unavailable men- to say the least, and the last one ( voice for  radio and a face for television guy), really hurt.

So during a rather epic melt down, I opted to pack up whatever I could and head home for the summer.
No job in sight, no plans, small budget. I just pretended to be hopeful. And that was easy because I foolishly spoke with or texted with Voice for  Radio and a Face for Television the entire 3 day drive- when I had service. And it was easy because aside from a few wonderful friends, I wasn't leaving much happiness behind.
When I wasn't chatting with him, or avoiding calls where the caller would ask questions that I wasn't prepared to answer, I was making a list of things that I loved about myself- I've been working on it for 5 months and was finally able to come up with 5 things. I made lists of qualities that I want to be more aware of- qualities that I don't admire but am typically unaware of until they've derailed me. I pictured my summer, and the 6 months that will follow it, I idealized my bank account balance, and went over plans to get out of debt. I tried not to think about the people that I was leaving behind, even if it is just for a short while, because I didn't need any additional reasons to cry.
I slept under the sun, and kept my eyes peeled for moose at night.

And then I got home and realised that it had changed and home had become a place unknown. That is, I'm not sure where I call home at this point. The one that I grew up with and in, I don't like any more. The one that I was trying to build in Edmonton, I packed up or sold or gave away because I wanted no reminder of it or any man that I'd ever shared a home with-Aside from the pleasant memories I will always hold onto, I did succeed.

So now I"m in my home town, with a beautiful jeep that will never have enough trunk space (WHY DIDN'T I GET THE WRANGLER) contemplating driving to some other place. Where should that be?- I'd like to start over.
again.


"...‘Girls like you’ your mother says 
'are going to be disappointed a lot.’ 
She’s chopping coriander so fast that her hand is a blur 
and you’re 12 and you’re standing 
like a tremble, grubby knees and tear stained cheeks,
an offering in front of her
'Why?’ Your voice is a quiet shake. 
She puts the knife down and calls you 'jaan’ 
she holds your face in her wet hands,
you don’t flinch because this
is what love looks like
she kisses your forehead like forgiveness
'because you mean what you say, 
you think other people are the same.’ "
taken from Azra T.'s jaan e-maan

Hustle

We are so often our greatest. disappointments.
We work so hard, but forget to include ourselves.
We are deserving.
You are. deserving.
Heaven knows, and she's not real.
You deserve.

I hate my job

Being confident, despite being abundantly aware of my short comings, does not make me crazy or an inevitable cat lady- it makes me willing to love myself despite myself. And being willing to ask for what I need or stand up for myself does not make me bitchy or pushy- it makes me aware of my worth and it is never at the cost of anyone else.

And taking care of myself is already hard to do.

So I'll kindly ask you to stop making it harder.
Bitches all over the place.

This doesn't count!

New Years resolution- go on more dates or even 1 date! It wasn't on my laminated copy, but I promised myself that in exchange for dating and putting myself out there, that I would be realistic and rational and be abundantly aware, within my power, to not be foolish or lavish with my feelings. That I wouldn't cry when all signs pointed to FOOL DON'T FEEL and then feel and then cry.
3 months. Now 24 hours of tears. Damn it

How did this happen?
But. He has a voice for radio, a face for television... and a brain for stories, random beautiful facts, a heart of gold and sexy hands.
So the number that has been done to him is apparently not one that I'm patient enough  to endure. And my number isn't one that he's even asked about. But why did he initiate a courtship he wasn't ready or whole for? That's selfish, isn't it?
I guess that's how we hurt- so oblivious and isolated until we see that we don't have to be but it might be too late  by then.

I'm going to replace dating with volunteer work- more fulfilling!!!

Partner

Walk away, try harder, stay or leave.

This is how we love.

Sup Tinder

I don't think that we should be surprised when we aren't let down by someone. But we are.
And I am always surprised when I feel this way because it's usually my own fault- I expected more from that human than they ever promised or said they could or would give of themselves. 
But how is that not disappointing to them?

Anyway.

I hate dating... strangers. It makes me anxious and I hate feeling vulnerable to what's shared vs what is (isn't everyone telling me everyone else are liars these days?)- I'm not good at it and I'm not sure that I want to be.

Untitled

This is how we love
In small ways
Everyday
Often living,
Forgetting to.

Sometimes, reaching.

Still

I want everything and all at once
I want to love it and enjoy it
All at once forever
But
Always.
I'll do all the work
Everyday
Always.
Cause time.

On Counting Veins and Dimples

Physicals flaws, for the most part, cannot be helped and usually aren't the eyesore the bearer perceives them to be.

It is truly unfortunate how, after listening to a friend talk of said flaws, that we may start to find them in ourselves and spread that poisonous thought pattern on.

If you can't change it embrace it, especially as a woman. We are so beautiful.

On that note, now that the vein counting is complete and I'm over it, it probably wouldn't kill me to run a razor over my legs. THOSE cannot be counted and I'm far beyond car accident level.

Note:

Car Accident Level Definition: Being in some sort of emergency situation where I end up unconscious and luck out to have some hot doctor or paramedic (who saves my life and all things are restored to normal health) but they are initially less attracted to me because my limbs and groin appear to be that of a bush lady

Saw this on Instagram, Actually..

If I had to lump the people I've met and liked and loved in Edmonton,into one category it woukd be this.
Brilliant kind beautiful women who settle because they won't take a chance on themselves and bored, often cheating men,who wish they hadn't taken that one chance with this girl.
Is that horrible of me?
I'm lumping here.

Not all of the women I've met are like this. Not all of the men I've met are like that. Some are brilliant and confident and winding back up the path to confidence. Others are stories of secrets and lies.
It is hard to know the secrets and lies and truths and tears from one another.
It is hard not to become jaded. Or empty.  Or forcefully optimistic.

When a Friendship Fades

When you're falling out of companionship, or growing bigger than your friendship, does the other person notice as well?
I've been faking it for months now and I don't want to anymore..
It's a new month, why not adopt new habits?..
But do I have to tell them...? If they don't feel the same way am I allowed to tell them/hurt them?

Just let it happen on its own right?...

Black History Month

The longest text message ever; sent via group chat to my family:

Oh god its that time of year. Black history month. Bc as humans we need to be reminded to celebrate, mourn and learn from our history so we give some people months, other cultures days and many we just ignore.
We get to be innondated with graphic images and detailed recounts of horrific  tortures done to any and all black folks and any other folks that respected black people. And we'll be reminded every day, for the shortest month of the year, how lucky we are that we were born Canadian,  in the years that we were born- and try to forget or just not know  what our dad suffered and all of our mothers and father's and brothers and sisters before us- except for black history month... this month we get reminded of how horrible humans can be to one another, how jaded, mean, ignorant, cruel. And then we'll forget that history slowly slowly until we're reminded again in small ways, when we see indecencies, racism, bigotry, or some other group becomes the apple of sympathy- the Holocaust, world war survivors, ect.
But this year is special bc spike Lee and Jada Pinkett said no to the Oscars and Black Lives Matter. Like any of those boycotts or speeches to the Academy actually address the root of the problem- opportunity for equality in all facets, judge second... nobody wants to treat anybody as an equal just yet.

I clearly just watched a horrible video of a hanging of a handicapped black 17ish year old, it drew a crowd of 16,000 people  and involved various forms of torture and including fire, chopping of limbs, beatings, castration- apparently fair punishment for the unexplained death of his previous slave owners wife. 1960.

Obviously bawled my eyes out and then I brushed my teeth and crawled into bed and wondered how daddy's job search was going and remembered that I hadn't watched the videos that sister sent of the kids yet.

Not all men want to be told they're beautiful.
Not all men are.

Happy Birthday

Trying to Embrace That

I'm told that everything happens for a reason and once you accept that, you'll feel free.

If everything happens for a reason does that mean that I don't have control over my destiny,  that the choices that I make aren't solely mine, but part of this everything that was bound to happen for its reason?

How often do things happen for a reason? Will I know?

What about when hearts break, or people die, or when good, kind people experience poverty, job loss, illness? What about loneliness? Tell me about that reason, where even the luckiest of people, can't find another human to connect with... What about people who are burdened by other people, who have to carry the weight of their world and others' worlds?

And Like, how much longer until I know the reason? I'd really like my power back, and my self control.

Some of the things that have been happening are torturing me and I'm patiently waiting for my lesson to be learned, while I figure out how to adjust my behaviour, swallow my tears, generate laughter and you know- feel free, like they say I will.

I suppose if everything does indeed happen for a reason, maybe blogging about my anticipation,  curiosity, desire and need for the reason, will bring the reasons closer to me.

But It Really Was An Accident

DAMN IT!

I have a bad habit of thinking that I've locked my phone and then not locking it and calling or texting or messaging someone. I've changed the font in my phone, deleted photos,  changed the wallpaper and lost apps to some unknown screen.
It doesn't help that I also text the wrong people far too often because I just don't pay attention. Or I'll have two of the same first name messages going and text say, Andrew 1 when I meant to text Andrew 2. I've actually renamed humans to avoid said confusion... which does it count as confusion if I'm just not being mindful?..

I asked the boy that I swoon over to give me some space last week. IT WAS SO HARD TO ASK FOR, but like really, what kind of self respecting woman allows herself to be second to anyone?.. Being that this is my life, I ought to be the leading lady, right?
So if I'm asking for space it's not right to message him correct? I couldn't agree more.
Admittedly I did message him and 2 of his friends, a comic book related question, as I was looking for some background for an audition and understand that they used to be big comic book fans. The handsome boy replied, which I appreciated, even if he had no information for me.... because, well,
You know how it is with social media and phones these days,  it's abundantly obvious when you're being ignored- talk about hurt feelings right?

So anyway, I was totally Facebook stalking him because he does have an interesting wall, and I fell asleep for a few minutes watching Big Eyes (wow- what a life!)... I woke up and washed up for bed and went to tell my girlfriend via Facebook messenger that she should watch the movie, only to discover that she was no longer the last person that I had messaged.
I must've hit all the buttons when nodding off because it was he whom I'd last made contact with!! Damn it. I hit the stupid Facebook thumbs up thing and sent it to him. FML.
So in typical panicked Bobbi fashion, I immediately wrote him apologizing for messaging saying I fell asleep watching a movie holding my phone. Just way over explained myself...
I cannot tell if I'm more annoyed with myself for having such slippery thumbs when sleeping sitting straight up or disappointed with myself for apologising (like did he need to know the name of the movie that I fell asleep to? Did I actually really feel sorry or just embarrassed for breaking 'space code')or infuriated by my hurt by the screamingly obvious fact that he was online and just ignoring my now two messages.
If a guy ever half heartedly admits to kind of seeing his ex, assume that they are fully back together and don't accept him flirting with you, don't flirt back and don't carry on for weeks and months pretending like you're not attracted to him. Definitely don't sleep with him.  Cause you know... why by the cow when you can get the milk for free?.. eventually your milk will go sour and he'll go back to feeding and caring for his cow to get its milk...

Why am I referring to her and I as cows...

I'm really going to have to come up with a nickname for this guy if km going to let him into this blog. I think Piece of Shit will do just fine, a nickname he was already overly comfortable with. POS for short!

So I Have Problems that I Fix with Spiced Rum

2016. Hi.
2015. Bye. I was turning into a straight up alcoholic.
I would say that 65% of my blog entries have been written while intoxicated,  maybe more,  definitely not less. I find most of them embarrassing but refuse to erase them because as gross as I may have been, that's exactly who I was in those moments when they were written.

So I had to toss not drinking onto my resolution list. I will not be epic about it, there will just be no casual drinks anymore, no more glasses of wine with dinner, baileys in my coffee, vodka with my late lunch, and spiced rum neat for a night cap...
I spent so much of 2015 struggling to enjoy my jobs and find peace with my income and didn't, find friendships that complimented my enthusiasm for life but was often lonely, used, abused or lamenting over how difficult life can be with said friends. When you spend so much time at work and are unhappy and come home to unhappy relationships or just an empty space you have to find a way to occupy your time.
I filled mine with drink after drink and bottle after bottle.

This is not to say that I don't have work that I find humbling- Im smart, and im getting a second education, im funny and an awesome friend and being a 31 year old bartender in a place where the bartender doesn't make a lot of gratuity is stressful and a reminder of how valuable our time and money are.  I'd like to be humbled by my work because I find it satisfying and be grateful for that but instead I'm thankful for the work I have because of the people that I work with- they are all intelligent motivated people (mostly) and that is enough, for now, for me to find peace with my work while I seek to enhance it with a primary option.

And working in a bar I have access to alcohol and people who treat alcohol like most would water.

I would guess that I spent 85% of 2015 with a drink in my hand. Not constantly. Not the first two months at all. But at least every night, and always more than one.

And I met a boy. He led me on in ways that I have never been led on before. And I'd like to blame him for hurting me but I can't say that I wouldn't have ended up being a little hurt anyway. I'm so drawn to his energy that I find it amusing how I ever loved anyone before. We could talk for days; we have.
But he is in a relationship... and I question my integrity in all of the goings-on between us because I know better and my thoughts on fidelity and faithfulness are the opposite of how either of us have behaved. I question my self worth because I continue to conversate with this man who has chosen to be in his relationship over me- what do I think of myself that I would allow myself to be treated This Way, the other woman with no benefit what so ever? And This Way is text messages most mornings and most nights,  most of the day, occasional phone calls and infrequent visits that are all always mindful, fun, informative and energetic and I love it, but shouldn't . And This Way is also exclusion from all of our friend events, being in public and all things that a real friendship or relationship have because you are its biggest secret. How shameful I must be to him and to myself you know...?

I wonder if I hadn't been such an alcoholic during all of this time, if I could ever have had just one drink, if I then would've behaved better- with some self respect, if I then would Not have let him make that first move, and never have fallen for him and hurt my own heart.

So I'm giving it a rest- the alcohol (And the boy- I AM trying; he, for some reason is more difficult to break up with).
And it's going to be a challenge... it already is! I had dinner with friends last night and I was asked repeatedly what I wanted to drink and I stuck with my water! I aaaaalmost caved.
But I'll only being having a drink with you on occassions- my birthday maybe, but mostly trips or vacations, thanksgiving and Christmas, and the occasional event like a concert should I ever go to one!..
Wish me luck my friend.

Warm up my feet

When I think I see your face my heart skips and my stomach turns and im happy for a second but then my mind reminds me that you're not mine.

This is right now.
And I am still brilliant.
Just a lot of hoping.