Happy New Year!!

I'm quite certain that the last thing that I will think to do tomorrow at midnight, will be to write to this blank page and wish it and who ever reads off of it, a happy new year.

so...

If you make resolutions, good luck with them! You only have yourself to make proud, disappoint or cut loose!
I hope that in each day of 2013 and all of the days to follow, you meet challenges with dignity and courage and that you can find a reason to be happy, and to grow and to act in such a way that when you look back, you will be proud of yourself (I SO cannot say that for myself of so many days and moments in 2012- haha).

love.

Happy New Year!!

Screw you Jillian Michaels.

I just did week two of Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30.
When I thought that I was going to die, the cool down started. Thank GOD the whole thing is only 30 minutes.

I also joined Weight Watchers. blah blah blah I look great. I gained 12 pounds this year... and they have to GO! And my pseudo mom, whom I live with, joined months ago and keeps falling off, so we're going to keep each other on board and live a little bit more healthy, together.

I have to put a happy movie on and finish the 12 Christmas cards that I have to write, scrub down (NYE prep!!!) and read a book.I can get that done by midnight!!

And I just finished all of my laundry. So I'll be ringing in the New Year with everything in order.

And I've barely made a real dent in it, but I think Christopher Hitchen's book, "God is not Great" should be retitled to Religion is not Great. Because God is not real but the idea of Gods are indeed great. By titling the book God is not Great, doesn't that acknowledge that God is in fact real? Which the book is very candid in pointing out, God is not real. Unless imaginary beings that are defined differently be every single person on earth, can be real.
I'm not trying to start a debate. I was just thinking... and my final thought is that the idea of a God or Gods are great, and unifying and hope-giving- it's the religions that are built around these Gods that are so destructive and foolish.

Big New Year's Party!

I cut my final tie to JWs today- no more joint account. I cried right after. We had a really great texting conversation (can you call a text convo that?) the other day and then he clammed up on me again. A good chat with my/our friends last night reminded me what love is... and JWs doesn't love me. And I am realising why that is a good thing.

So then I started writing my Christmas cards (yes I am aware that it's Dec 29th)... It's the thought that counts!!!!!! But I was kind-of in a bummy mood so I started watching tv instead.

And then remembered that I still don't have a job and should look for one of those, and booted up the ol' laptop, but it was being super slow, so I put that aside and wrote the Christmas cards. I have to finish them tonight. I've written 10 so far, 16 more to go. It took me 4 hours to write the 10... probably because I was watching tv at the same time.

I thought to blog because my buddy just asked me what my new years plans are and when I told him I'd be cooking dinner and having drinks with my very good friend, he asked me 'why, what happened?'

I could look at staying in and doing very little as a sad thing... no big party, no midnight kiss and no man to share my new year with, no job and no clear financial plan, plus my heart still hurts from JWs.
But I won't. This year happens to be rolling in at the same time that I am starting a bunch of things new and fresh. A new job (soon I'm sure!), open to new relationships, to moving, to travelling, to planning, to paying off debts.
Staying in just symbolises the respect that I have for myself, my financial plans AND the love that I have for my friend- I get to ring in the new year with a great person!

What are you doing?

They tell me having a gap in your teeth....

...means that you'll one day be very wealthy. I'm thinking for me, that means in company. 

I recently read an article about how now on the dating scene, being asked your credit score is a common question. 

mmmm... I was mortified.

Because I still have student debt, a little bit of credit card debt, and even less in the bank. And at this juncture, no job. I'm my financial advisor's worst nightmare. Any gents out there wanna go steady?!?

I would like to address some of my current issues. Over spending, credit card fraud, lending friends money and they don't pay it back, terrible investments, opening a joint account with someone with creditors and the tax man after them, having your family use your credit card without you knowing, and of course, not having any money coming in... it all puts a dent in keeping everything in balance. 

I tried to get a new phone and phone plan today and they couldn't process it. They phone people just got an alert saying that my credit report is frozen. So I had to call them first to release the protection they have on my account (so I don't get any more fraud). It takes 3 business days. Not how I wanted to ring in the new year. 

I should ring it in alone for safety. 

I am, clearly, one of those people who only learns lessons the hard way. I am such an idiot. 

FML. 

I hate when I have to poo AFTER I've showered.

1. I don't care what you're situation is, do not pee in the shower.

2. Rinse your hairs out when you're done shaving/trimming/pulling them out of you.

3. If you blow your nose in the shower, rinse the shower curtain of your snot.

4. Don't wash your long nasty dead hair down the drain unless you're going to pull it out after your done.

5. Pull the shower curtain closed so that it can dry once the shower has ended.

6. Turn the fan on- and you won't trick anyone by streak-drying the mirror.

7. If you finish the shampoo/conditioner/soap/facewash, put a fresh bottle in instead of filling it with a bit of water.

8. Make sure all of your soap is rinsed out (no one wants to step into the shower after you and wipe out [naked :s] in your soap filth). 

It's really quite sad, and also quite laughable

I'm trying to fit in and make one of my own posters... those ones with a random person sketched on it and some saying about an awkward moment or being awesome.

I was just making dinner (chana masala if you must know) and I was stirring away, thinking about if I used enough potatoes, when it occurred to me- moreover, I had that awkward moment when one realises their ex is totally over them, and you're not.
Like it wasn't abundantly obvious. I think that's the funny part

On only a slightly related note, I never want to be one of those people who are always reflecting on their glory days.
They always have something to add to your current story, reflecting on being in better shape, better looking, smarter, when they went on adventures or travelled. It get's annoying.
To these people I say, continue living and also, know your audience; repeat stories about yourself are mind-numbingly boring.

Don't Forget To Flush

Every person out there has walked into a washroom with the aim to use the toilet and been utterly shocked by the pervious persons bowel movements- maybe they didn't even go poo, but left you an unhealthy looking pee, most of which is all over the seat or floor. Or maybe it's shark week* for some lady and she leaves evidence of the battle all over the seat, floor and somehow the flusher handle.
After nearly vomiting, definitely gaging, slamming the door and picking a new stall OR if you encountered this is someone's home or even your home (hopefully it's just the "looks like my guests/girlfriend/boyfriend/parents/siblings ect forgot to flush- thank god I can just put the lid down and flush it for them so they're private business doesn't spray me") you make your piece with what you previously encountered and do your 'business'.
Everybody knows, if you were in a public washroom, that the stalls you didn't use were gross- because you walked into them and right back out, grimaced, mumbled under your breath (something about filthy nasty disgusting people with no respect) and onto the next one.
If this happens to you at home or at someone elses home- for the sake of your relationship, just flush the damn toilet for them and keep your damn mouth shut. The likeliness of your compadre duecing in your shitter and leaving it there on purpose seems quite fratboyish and otherwise unlikely. Don't embarrass your friends. Jackass. They didn't splay their bowels on your kitchen floor because they don't WANT you to see it. It was an accident. Maybe they didn't realize that in YOUR house you have to hold the flusher for 30 seconds for the toilet to actually flush, otherwise the toilet just makes noises like it flushed. So it's probably your fault your saw your peoples poo, for having a crummy toilet.
Just sayin.

*shark brains look like a uterus, thus the obvious conclusion that a period  = shark week.

I just left my pseudo family for the holidays to come home to my actual family.

And I'm now sitting on 1 of the 3 love seats, little sis across on another and dad on the last (how did I 'score' the only one that doesn't recline?), and thinking about how I don't have a job... I'm not necessarily stoked about the one that I do have lined up for the new year, but the point being, that with no job, I should really be finding time to blog again.
And hit the gym.

Sadly I don't have anything to blog about. Ive been so grumpy and down (what's a better word for that) for the last 4 months I've recently banned myself from tweeting and updating my facebook status more than once a day.
I started having something to say, then got sidetracked hearing a stupid sad love song (pretend like that's what it's called :p) and Chelsey on Love You, Mean It.

I do love Chelsey and Chelsey Lately!!!!

Haha. I have to laugh- I just read over this quickly to check for spelling errors and it's SO depressing. lol. which is funny. Bc that's not me.

Stay tuned for better shit. 

TRY.

I am just loving this song by P!nk right now.

And the big stack of books I bought to read. and the idea of getting starting fresh all over again...

"Ever wonder about what he's doing
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy
Even when it's not right

Ever worried that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by...

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try "

You know...

...when you try to grab something and you get It for just a second but then the piece you have breaks off in your hand and It gets away and all you have left is that piece of the whole, crumpled in your hand?

That just happened to me.

Only it took me a long time to open my hand so that I could realise that I never really had a grip on the whole in the first place.

I'm aware that this is ridiculous. But.

I wonder if when you have a really great period in your life, if you can have it again... not that same period, but that level of happiness.
Like I had some of the best times in my life in highschool- granted also some of the worst.
But now that I think about it, I also had a wonderful childhood- the bits I remember anyway.
Ok. And I have amazing friends... that makes me happy.

I've been watching too much of Til Debt Do Us Part and worrying. and Criminal Minds. And buying too many lottery tickets. And working too much and making too little. I've gotten into this sneaky little trend of spending a lot of money on entertainment lately. Movies. Beers on patios. My Limbo boyfriend. More drinking. I've gotten some bad habits lately- which have made it difficult to be proud.
Luckily not less ambitious.

I'm making lists. Lists of people I'd give money too if I won the lottery. Lists of things I will do if I never win the lottery. Lists for debt repayment plans. Lists of people I'd like to be more like and why. Lists of how I could sneak into the neighbours unit and blow up the sub-woofer... got side tracked. But they drive me nuts... loud music ALL of the time. Well, from 9am to 10pm. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE ALL DAY?! Don't you know I'm sleeping/cooking/blogging/watching tv/singing to my coffee cup/sweating through  Ripped in 30?
Anyway...
List of the things I couldn't live without having (like children). Lists of career ideas/interests. Lists. In order of importance... or they will be once I figure that out.

I went to the best wedding this past weekend. Everyone was so happy. It made me want to work harder on making myself happy. Which instantly made me think of money. Which made me think of quickly getting a lot. Which made me smile. Which made me happy. Which, for a moment, reminded me of my happiest times. Whhhiiiich were in highschool. Soley highschool- or so I though. And then the wedding reminded me of the lists I'd thought to start making and all of the research I have to do. to be happy. like I was at that wedding.
Hence this weird blog.

Failed post from yesterday..

I'm trying to figure out how to write a blog in my email and send it from my phone. I suppose I'll have to go online to figure it out as I've not yet done so and am writing in vain from my blackberry.
I got an iphone for my birthday- in February. It's still in the wrapper. I wonder if I'd be able to figure it out from an iphone. I'm scared of touch screens. For now.

I told a customer, PS from herein, that I blogged and he wanted to know the address. I didn't tell him. So he asked what I write about. I said it's like a journal. But I don't write often because I use it like a journal and I don't want people I know to get the wrong idea... It's just verbal diarreah. And that I talk about people I know and love in it. It's a blog for strangers. And strange thoughts.
I told him it gets as many hits as wikipedia but not from withing NA. He laughed. But I didn't; in hopes that my dry humour may translate to sincerity and cause him to be impressed. Fail. So I laughed then.

I was short with The Guy I'm Dating today. He accidentally broke my heart. I'm hoping I can accept his apology and our differences and put my heary back together- even better than it was before it was broken. That would be nice. I googled how to do so. There were no youtube videos and only sad yahoo blogs written by distressed teens figuring out how to love again after their hearts were broke or were learning to love and didn't get what it meant.
I didn't learn anything from my sad search.
Except maybe, that I'm still learning how to love myself- and by that I mean as well. At least that's what I think I mean.

When your feet get tired, run with your heart...

We stopped doing little things for each other. That's how I knew we weren't in the same kind of love any more.
He stopped with the morning coffees and picking up his dirty socks. So she stopped making his breakfast when she made hers. Then he stopped changing her laundry from one machine to the other. She stopped kissing him on the forehead when he was sleeping. Soon, they started leaving for their days without kissing goodbye.
After, she found out he'd thought she'd become mean. He found out she thought he'd been unambitious.

They say you can fix this. You just have to learn how. You just have to want to learn how. 

Remind me later

I think one of the things I like the most about blogging, is that it's caused me to read other peoples blogs. Also Venting. But other people's blogs. And some of them are very informative. And boring. Or Just boring. Or just informative. But my favourite blog is entertaining. It entertains me. Because I understand exactly what the writer was saying. Or at least I think I do. This blogger is very descriptive. And writes in such a way that even when Blogger is upset, Blogger writes in such a way that you find the funny. I like it. I'd like to be funnier.
When I have funny thoughts I forget them after I laugh about them so you, my dearest Blank Page, never gets to have them written.

Next time.
Maybe I can figure out some trickery on my mobile device where I can write a blog in a word file and then upload it to here... 

Interview

When I was at work on Saturday a customer I served offered me a job- or at least the opportunity to come in and interview for a job. I indeed emailed him and he emailed me back and hence I go for an interview!
I'm not exactly sure what the job is and therefore do not know what I'd be doing... or how much I'd be making. I'm sure whatever it is, it would be a more delightful challenge than what I'm doing now.
We'll see.
And while I'm nervous for the interview, I'm currently more frustrated and angry at myself for wasting my day, than I am to interview.

I woke up and got ready to go shopping to purchase a professional outfit for my interview, only to discover that while leaving in a huff to go to the BF's house to sleep the night before, I'd forgotten the set of keys he'd given me to his place.
I could've left- I spoke to him and he said it was fine of I left his place unlocked. I didn't want to do that Just In Case. Aaand I was super tired and hungry and figured that I would have all evening to find an outfit- how long could it take?!
My sister and handsome nephew came up and we went to an audition at 5:30- we'll see how that goes as I can't seem to book anything- hopefully I don't jinx the poor kid. Then we went to the eatons centre. Everything takes longer when a stroller is involved. Just something I noticed. And that there are a lot of lazy people taking the elevator when they could walk or use the escalator. We have a stroller people... what's you're excuse for being lazy?!?!?!
the BF met us shopping. Big mistake. My sister is sweet and understands my desire to look trendy and still be comfortable, the BF is an ex Bay street guy and I believe wants a shot at being on the Fashion Police aaaand it seems when it comes to me spending money on my own clothes, is also cheap.

The first outfit I tried on I wanted but was convinced it was too expensive. And on and on went the trying on and opposing feedback.
I eventually just got the first outfit- I didn't end up finding, however, an appropriate shoe. Oh well.

And then rather than coming home and prepping for the interview, sleeping at the BF's house which is much closer to the interview than where I live, I went to a movie as I'd promised the BF I would.
I also didn't work out for toughmudder (.com)  yet again. I had poutine instead. FML.

Then I arrived home at about 12:30am with no printer, and no resumes printed off, no method of transport as that is also at the BF's and no prep done.

And then the BF curled up in my bed after getting himself a glass of water and asked me what he could do to help.
I wanted to shin kick up and scream and yell and cry.

Instead I suggest he head home as I have a lot of figuring to do for the night and I didn't want to blame him because I'm an idiot and didn't do anything I was supposed to do.

Now the internet keeps working... intermittently. Very annoying. and I'm going to plug away and hopefully get enough sleep to not randomly cry during my interview.

KICK ROCKS! I am so mad at myself.  

Moving Boxes

I'm moving. Next week.
I'm not sure where to though...
Or if I'm moving alone or in the with the BF.

I do know that I haven't found a home yet and that I have found a storage locker to store my things until I do find my home.

When I find this home, I am not moving until I buy my own.

I forget every year how much work moving is and how much I dislike doing it.

I've moved every year since 2004. sometimes twice in one year.

I'm not doing it again for a while!!!

Post Vacation Recovery...

So I did this wonderful thing on my vacay. I slept. I passed out hard every night by midnight. I didn't always have the best sleeps but I was in bed and I stayed there until I smelled breakfast around 8am. It was pretty great.
Now I'm back to life, trying to start training for ToughMudder(.com) and back at my work schedule (3pm-3am four to five days a week) and I can't sleep past 9am! Problematic when you hit the hay at 4am.

I biked to work yesterday. 9.6km each way. I'll be doing it again today. Only I'll bike to the BF's after work tonight. It's closer. Maybe like 4km.

I'm excited to sleep in his bed. It's so comfy.

I'm Back

Just got back from Jamaica- I went with my BF and met up with my dad and lil sister for a bit- stayed at a resort. with family. in the country. in kingston. went to the beach a bit. fought a lot of mosquito's- I'm not sure if I won or not.
While I was at my Aunt Pat's house, she suggested, that if BF or I have a blog, we blog about the ants we had in our food, the crappy restaurants, the few activities and the staff that begged for money during our stay at the lovely Riu (http://www.riu.com/en/Paises/jamaica/ocho-rios/clubhotel-riu-ocho-rios/oferta.jsp).
I didn't mention that I have a blog because it's been so long since I wrote in it.
And since it's been so long since I've blogged I didn't think it would be appropriate to complain about my vacation in my return.

But it did make me think about blogging again... and all of the things that I used to do. I used to sit on my laptop for hours looking for acting work, reading the papers, looking for jobs, trying to find free courses. and watching tv all the while.
I used to learn monologues that I would never remember or do for an audition just to keep myself sharp. I used to go for long rollerblades or short runs.

I also didn't have a job. OR I had a job and worked less than 30 hours a week.

Now I work over 45hours a week and when I'm not working I'm sleeping or being grumpy that I haven't booked an acting gig since this time last year...

But I decided, when my Aunt asked if we had a blog, that I should be doing more. that I can do more. So I'm going to start small. I'll start with my blog.