Morning.

I got out of bed on time because I thought of something interesting to look up online. Then I got up, got my computer going, and forgot what that was. And I've been staring at it hoping to jog my memory. Nothing.

I'm so tired.
I worked yesterday from 1-9:30 as a bartender and waitress. Nothing went right. The head chef told me he was "disappointed in me" when he saw me pick up my garbage but not somebody elses. I suppose I should've picked it up, on a normal day where I'd eaten and actually just been a bartender I would've picked it up, but I think I was seeing spots when I left. Red spots. I was so mad. They tried to force me to stay at work- after working all day, short staffed, with no barback for the first half, seriving tables, the wood and service between two of us, then getting stuck with these girls who are bitchy and one is just not intelligent, a kitchen that ran about 30 minutes behind all day- what am I supposed to do with any of that! I told my boss he could clock me out (a manager has to do it) or I could just walk out; his decision. He clocked me out. Then I ran to my car and cried, wrote my other boss an email, drove home, changed in 10 minutes and went to my other job- wherein I worked for half the amount of time and made a little more money. :|

Ugh. I need to find a job that's lucrative, in the evenings (except Friday and Saturday) and filled with kind, ORGANIZED people.
My one foot really hurts from running around all day in my work shoes. Actually hurts to step on the heel. Perfectly normal right?

Maybe that is why I was going to get up in time... so I could get some insoles. If I'm doing that I'd better go to starbucks as well. 

Happy Birthday's are over, but YAAAAY! thanks!!

Just wrapped up my second, but official birthday party of 2011. I think I will have one every year. My friends need to know my friends.

Only a handful of the people I hold dear to my heart showed- many bailed last minute for sleep or work or because they forgot to show. A few that came were sick or had to work early but they came. And all who promised to show up later after work did not. 

But I had a great time without them. There was a stray who came by- my little sis, which was lovely.

Koko (other bday gal) and I made the rules all night. Lot's of laughter, lot's of food.

My arms are shredded up from my dress, which became all the more apparent from the shower I just had. But I looked cute enough- next year I'll give my wardrobe more effort. 

Missed what I'm talking about?

 I went out for my acutal birthdya on Saturday with a friend to celebrate both of our births, but kept it low key knowing I had tonights event plus FamilyDay coming. Went home after that and saw my family (yay! finally!!) And then...

I threw myself a joint birthday party- the first birthday party since stacey and don slept over in grade seven... or was that  grade 6? And I spent the morning being upset that more than half of my invites bailed with what I felt were cheesy or half truth reasons. In the end, with the exception of few (including my fam), the best friends and people I know and have in the world were there. 

Good night. Even though I made us all go around the circle and get to know each other. Even though I was 10 minutes late. Even though I was hurt by those who didn't show before I was thankful for those who did. Even though the food was salty.

Nope. Great night.

Birthday's are a big deal. Even if you're getting older and you're not ready for it.

Thank you. for being there- and Eli, for thinking of me and, to you who were there before on the day with your wishes and warmth. 

Nail for the Coffin anyone?

Just got this email: 


"From the Creators of Bullet for Adolph:

We would like to thank you very much for auditioning with us. We saw some immensely talented individuals and loved meeting each and every one of you. The show is now cast. If you were not contacted specifically, we would like to thank you for your time and hope to see you again in the future.

Warm regards,

Woody Harrelson and Children @ Play"


It's funny because someone else was concerned I might be getting their part-  my blog tells me this search was used in a lot the last few days: Bullet for Adolf + Callbacks + Bobbi(e)


Anway...
I happened to be talking to my friend Fizz after trying to think positive about not getting this huge opportunity and she said, "Awwww, that just means something bigger is coming along for you. <3"
Love the sentiment and the mentality- now I just have to get there myself so I'm ready, doors and windows open, for when Bigger comes.

Damn

So... Went to the call back for Bullet for Adolf today. The callback was supposed to go from 3pm-7pm. I got there, was partnered up with 2 other girls and we rehearsed- felt great, great chemistry and then last minute was switched to a different group. We got called in, ran the scene one time and when we were done, the casting director, writers and director just stared at us all and then said- ok you can go. Which was scary because it seemed as though other people were running their scenes a few times based on how much time they spent in the auditorium.
People were also getting called in individually to do improv.

So we left the stage, I sat down and the one casting director came out and said to the whole damn room, "Bobbi- you can go" and took my resume out of her pile! :( I just looked at her and said "really?! Wow, that sucks. Ok... Thanks.."
Everyone was looking at me because the CD fully just told me I didn't get a part while telling everyone else that their odds of nailing a part are better. The room went and stayed quiet. I left. It sucked.

Then I came home and wallowed about missing out on such a huge opportunity, went and had a beautiful dinner at my friends house and drove to work in that stupid snow, wherein I got sent home early because it wasn't busy at all. Not the best day.

But a good day none the less- I shot the shit with Woody Harrelson about basketball, was personally greeted by Frankie Hyman and the producer complimented my attire and fist-fived me. Saw some good friends. Made a small amount of quick cash.

If you don't know be by now...

Determination, dedication, motivation
I'm talking to you, my many inspirations
When I say it I can't, let you or self down
If I were on the highest cliff, on the highest rift
And you slipped off the side and clenched on to your life in my grip
I would never, ever let you down


How , could that even be a question.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

Why won't anyone entertain the fact that I'm turning 21? Or 25? My one boss joked about it last night and the new boss believed it because he didn't know any better.
I'm still going to tell everyone I turned 25 today- your 25th birthday is supposed to be epic so, I'm going to make this one epic and then get back to reality next year. maybe.

so last night I was working at the club and this stupid drunk guy wanted more drinks and I said no because it was only 12:10am... way too early to be so drunk. And he kept lurking by the bar and I kept asking him if he was okay- he was. and he was fine with no more drinks.
buuut then he changed his mind and decided he wanted a second drink, which he believed he'd already paid for (hadn't) and when I wouldn't give it to him, he knocked his current drink over, across the bar, all over my damn till and my paper work and started to walk away- but didn't. instead, now that he had the whole bars attention, he spat on me.
And do you know what the next customer said? "When that guy comes back I'm going to buy him a shot."
Thankfully security answered my calls and got rid of the guy. And another bartender (sweetest guy) came and took over my bar.
My boss offered for me to go home. And I was so upset and humiliated, that I took him up on his offer. But then I changed my mind. I decided I'd rather be the person that deals with shit and sticks it out, rather than the person who cries about it and walks away. That's my silver lining to getting spit on. and Humiliated. And enraged.
So pretty good right? I took the high road on my birthday!
But then I got a headache from holding my tears in- and now I have a migraine. And I'm going to audition for Mr.Harrelson for a call back- I'll also find out today if I got a final callback.
That's what I want for my birthday- one of these roles, preferably Jackie.

Anyway! Happy 25th (or whatever) Birthday to MEEEEE!!!!! <3

Major Events in History...

When I was kid I used to pay attention to the papers and the tv, events at school and in the community to see what cool things happened on Feb 19th- my birthday. I remember one year, I was like 7 or 8, Leons was having a big sale. Maybe I was older. But nothing was ever happening.
But this time of year for a birthday sucks. People are just starting to get over their holiday debts, saving for vacations, are bummed out because of the weather, bitter from Valentines day- just kind of burned out in general. This time of year people are looking forward to one thing- summer. Or at least a hint of spring ( I know I am!!).
I thought of that because I'm just watching Criminal Minds Suspect Behaviour on line (should be memorizing lines) and a commercial came on saying that Rona is having a sale this weekend. lol. Something, besides my anniversary, is happening this weekend. It's funny- reminded me of the past. Which is funny.

Slightly Related:
I've had two birthday parties in my life- I won one from CJCS radio and had it at McDonalds and the other a few years after my parents divorced- I believe my 12th birthday.

After that my family couldn't really afford them and I didn't really think much of them. But I'm having 2 this year. One on the 19th, one on the 24th and of course headed home on the 21st for a crazy 24 hours with my family. It's all going to be good.
I'm making my own history. 

Bullet for Adolf

Last 24 hours...

Worked, went to a club, came home at 6am, slept through an aptitude test for a job, woke up, visited my sister and nephew, came home, by which point it's late and I have to come to terms with the reality that I did not book any of the commercials I audition for last week, including the call back.
Oh. Shoot. I forgot to mention the part where I got a call back for Woody Harrelson's play. YAY!
I'm auditioning for 2 characters on my birthday, this Saturday. And call backs for that are the 20th. I plan on making it to the final show... as one of those characters.

So now I'm going to sit down, write some birthday cards before I forget who they're for and look at the sides, as I've booked a coaching session for tomorrow morning at 11am. And I am tired.

Dear Thursday,

I will spend you rehearsing, sleeping, watching tv and eating. Looking forward to you.

Happy Valentines Day!!!

This day needs some defense.

Yes it's a commercial way to beef up retail markets as this time of year is low for spending.
But this day comes shortly after another calendar date: the most depressing day of the year.

Who cares that it's all commercial!!!? It's an excuse to leave work early and spend an extra hour with the people you love- a chance to buy flowers on sale or make a card and give them to your wife or daughter or boyfriend or mom. It's a good day. And you don't have to empty your wallet, DO something sweet like call an extra time to check in on y our lover, go down on your man, leave a love note in your kids lunch box... It's a day for all the slackers of the world who rarely say I love, who never hold doors or make breakfast in bed. It's a day where if you say I LOVE YOU- it's completely cache and totally okay. It's a day for all those wonderful children women and men who show those they love, their love everyday- a day where they can go completely over the top and do something ridiculously wonderful like send them flowers to work with a singing telegram.

Valentines Day is like your birthday- only it's everyone else's birthday at the same time.

I hope you have a wonderful day and that you know you're loved! I hope that not only does someone take a minute to tell you they care about you, but that you do the same for those you love.

<3

Karma

A few weeks ago, I was talking with a girl at work about how so many of the staff are mean and she was saying she can't believe how mean some of them are to me. She decided that I must be mean somewhere else in my life and it's Karma coming back.
That is horrible.
I tried explaining otherwise and she seemed unsure so I gave her my dads theory on Karma- that what goes around comes around, maybe not to you, but maybe to your kids, or your kids kids kids, or someone else you care about. I argued that if I do have bad Karma, maybe it isn't mine. That worked. But in my head I thought- what if someone thinks, for example, I'm a good person, but really I'm not- are they going to get my bad karma one day? *sigh

And tonight again, I was thinking about Karma as I pulled into my buildings parking garage. 11 cars were broken into via smashed back windshields (the most expensive to fix). I got home shortly after the breakins happened, didn't notice a thing and carried on to my apartment. If I had bad Karma, wouldn't I have been home? Or wouldn't I have ran into the perp? Further, does this theory of Karma extend to crime?
Are all those 11 car owners deserving of a break in? The one gentleman who's car was smashed is a God fearing man- shouldn't his frequent visits to confession and gentle demeanor keep only a happy bubble of Karma around him?
My evil car port neighbour who accused me of hitting is car (ridiculous) didn't have his car broken into- if I was going to pick who's cars got smashed, I would pick him. But then again, maybe when he accused me he was just having a bad day and all the days I've seen him since where he ignores me and closes the elevator were just bad moments- maybe he's a good man with generally well intentions. How much good is in his Karma bubble?
And if one has bad karma, does that mean they are a bad person and deserve all the shit they get? The bad runs of luck? The money issues or poor family or no friends, no job, no skills ect? If one has bad karma, doesn't that mean they are ones potentially dolling out bad karma to others? What if they give it to the wrong person?
If karma is real, then does it decide fate? Because I think I'm a good person, I have my flaws and weak moments and I don't like letting people in front of my when I drive, but does that mean I'm destined to have a future filled with mean people and dreams that are always just out of reach?
If Karma was real, then bad people would've never succeed right? Because their Karma would stop them- right? And good people, who work hard and learn from their mistakes and laugh at their bad luck and keep going- those people should succeed by way of  good karma right?
Are karma and fate interchangeable? If so, one could argue that we are not in control of our own destiny, being that there is no one to define 'good' vs 'bad' karma- how would we ever know which we had/were?
If bad karma comes to good people, or bad karma comes to people who give out good karma, then wouldn't it be safer for good people to stay at home and wait it out until it's their turn to get some good karma? Wouldn't that be safer, potentially more fun and likely more rewarding?

I am now confused. About Karma.

I'm still going to role with my idea that good intentions, action, hard work, determination and sometimes a little bit of luck are what make up our future and our present. Karma seems a little too dodgey to rely on- or even think about.

God and I

I was leaving the elevator in my building today and there was a man headed to his car as well. We exchanged howdy-do's and then he said, "yes yes I'm doing much better than I deserve; God is good." I thought that was ridiculous and said, "come now" and he said, "no no, God is great and better than I deserve. Have a blessed day." All said with a smile on his face. 

Of course this interaction brings many things to mind. I don't believe in the bible -or God- the way many people do. 

I believe in the energy of faith and goodwill and that there is something out there that is greater than all of us- even if all that is, is the energy of our positivity and hopeful faith. I don't have blind faith in catholicism's God like this man appeared to, but his faith makes me happy and keeps me faithful to my ideologies. I really believe that some people wouldn't be good if there was no "God"- just think of all the things we people do wrong if we think we won't get caught and therefore there will be no consequences... not even considering the things people do knowing that it's wrong. 

So God is good- and all of our God's our different- and I suppose sometimes those God's are too good to us. I know I'm not grateful enough-I'll work on it.

Sometimes I talk to mine. Like I will tonight- just to say thanks. Sometimes it helps to let it all out into the universe- especially if you believe the universe will respond and are willing to let it (I need to work on that too). 

We all need a little faith-in something.

Good Vibrations.

That's what that neighbour gave to me.

Thanks.

Oh. Hi.

It's crazy how a little vacation changed my routine for almost a week following. I suppose I've only been back for 4 days, but it feels longer.
My friend has recently graduated journalism school and now has her masters and she is doing all kinds of amazing things- writing reports that are aired on cbc almost everyday, making documentaries- always wrapped up in current events. I'm kind-of jealous. I wonder where I would be if I had been more passionate when I was in school- or if I knew where I truly belonged education wise.
Of course we all have to be different but I can honestly say I'm not doing much to contribute to this world, beside feeding the economy by spending more than I make (not really, but it feels like it).
Sometimes I think I should just go to teachers college so I have a backup plan I could love. I adore kids and love coaching and developing them; but is it really fair for me to educate the minds of tomorrow because what I really want to do is a slow and winding road and because I lack direction? I ran this by my other friend- she said teaching is a terrible backup plan- if I want to teach then teach, if I want to go back to school, then go back.
My dream chasing is hard for others to understand. It's also hard for people to understand why I just don't go back to school. Ummm... it's not free!!
I'm going to do this http://business.humber.ca/programs/certificate/canadian-institute-of-management though in the spring semester.
The spring is going to be crazy expensive because I'll be moving and going back to school. I also took a hiatus from acting classes this semester and I hate it. So I'll be doing that again as well.
I need a money tree.
Or to have booked that commercial I audition for yesterday. *sigh

Im back

Miami was great- Exhausting but good. I got sick while I was there, got over it and then sick again.
I landed and went straight to work and feel like I've been working since then.. but I'm so sick. My hands are so dry from washing them all the time- and my nose is red from that cheap tissue I bought.

Headed to bed- I'll fill you in tomorrow!!