I am still in love with Jim Halpert

Well, I did everything I wanted to do today. Plus worked 9 hours. It's 4:30am... I gotta get up at 9 to work for 11am and will be working straight through until 3:30am. I plan on making it rain!!!

I do wish I didn't have this awful chest infection though... it' keeps me up. 

So since I wont' be on here tomorrow until late...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

If I have to do it single, I'm going to do it right.

Hoo-ray. Another  year has passed and I haven't even dated anyone worth while (did I tell you about the guy I went on a date with who showed me the nice condos and things he'd buy me once I finished my masters, talked about how many kids we'd have and encouraged me to fix the gap in my teeth?-first and only date, he messaged me this morning asking me if i'd like to hang out. IGNORED!) and I'm ringing in the new year at work, once again, and single.
But this year, rather than working because I'd have nothing else to do, I'm working because I like the club I work at and make great money and because I'd rather make money and be behind the bar Busy then staring around the room wondering if I'm the only girl not kissing anyone at midnight.
So tomorrow I don't have to work until 6pm. I'm going to roll out of bed at my leisure, shower, go to the mall to purchase the finishing touches on my New's Years dress, get waxed and perhaps get a pedicure if time permits. I've lost a few pounds so a pedicure will look even better on me...
I will likely take myself out for a late lunch and then go to work.
I'll be ringing in 2011 sexified and happy, making money along side, what has turned out to be some great friends. AND my sister might come out to my club, so I'll get to cheers with her too!

What's the twist you're putting on your celebration?

Frowning causes Wrinkles. Surprise.

I had written a lovely blog expressing how upset I am with my current position at this new bar I'm working at. But the internet on my computer stopped working and I had to restart and it took hours to load back up so I watch the Kite Runner, which I've had on my laptop since 2008, perhaps 2007 but have never watched. It's a long movie. I've never watched a movie where I genuinely hated the 'hero'; what a coward of a man- some things you just can't fix.
anyway. I lost that blog. I believed I complained about how tired I am, yet here it is 5:30am and I'm awake blogging because I stayed up cleaning and watching a movie.
And those hours that have gone by since I complained in detail about why I dislike my job, have changed what I'm going to end up blogging about. Because as much as I hate my job, I hate being asked all the time why I'm a bartender. It's like people meet me and assume I'm supposed to be doing more with my life. Which I totally am. And if I'm so unhappy with the jobs that I can find while I do chase my dream, then perhaps it's time I stack the deck. Perhaps I can keep the jobs I have to pay the bills, pursue my acting career and go back to school part-time for some sort of job that will a. make me happy (let me pursue my acting career, volunteer and will be a job I enjoy) b. make me money and c. make me proud..
Pride can be such a bad thing. Some people would look back on this last 7 months and think about all the hours I put into working through the evenings and nights, every weekend and every holiday, so that I could do that Summerworks show and so that I can pursue and afford to be an actor. But I look back and think about all the birthdays I missed and family I haven't seen, the debts I still have to pay off and the lonely nights spent staring at the ceiling when it's too late to actually fall asleep but too early to get up and I feel like I'm in the exact same place as where I started.
So I'm starting fresh; new agent, new year, new headshots (yay!) and additional dream: challenge myself mentally by acquiring diploma or OREP (ontario real estate professional).
There. I told it to the world. So now I have to do it or not living up to my own goals will hurt my pride because I told you, so you'll know If fail me.

Thank you

I LOVE looking at the stats for my little blog and seeing that someone read it that day, especially when it was some one outside of Canada. There were a few days when I had some regular American readers who were directly linking my page!! SO COOL!!
So... thanks. For making me feel like someone's listening or like someone gets me. Love it.

Unrelated:

How is it that the servers at the bar make so much more money than the bartenders. I found out today that not all of them tip out to the bartenders what they're supposed to because most of the bartenders are so mean and the bartenders have no way of tracking what they are to receive from each server. SO frustrating. Especially since some of the servers are mean to me/us!! Oh well.. I'll just keep smiling and following the rules and doing my best and eventually everything will pay off.

Unrelated:

I think I'm getting sick. My throat is dry. You know that sore throat you get that only hurts to talk with after a while and your body kind of hurts but you don't look sick and you can function fine you just feel tired but every now and then your throat gives out and you randomly cough while your talking and you can't help it because you weren't expecting it? That's how I feel.
I let you know if I cough on anyone tomorrow!! haha.

Unrelated:

Spent the day with the ol ex-boyfriend. We're friends... kind of. I don't quite understand him but he's a nice enough guy and we went through our shit and made it out alive and we have lots of laughs and we LOVE movies and he loves the mall and I had shopping to do. Worked out. Lovely day. Saw True Grit. Great movie. Awful ending. Totally ruined it.
Then I met up with my buddy who I will call Buds and his buddies and bro. I have a crush on him in that totally normal he's a great guy what's not to love if you fuck with him I'll get you but I doubt I could ever date him kind of way.
Always good times.
We played video games and drank beer.

Now I'm in bed with an episode of Smallville (Tom, when are you going to leave your wife and marry me?) and a giant caramel brownie my sister made.

Not a bad day in anyway at all.

Remember When

I'm sitting on the floor in my room because... well because I was going to put my laptop on my bed to load up while I got prepped for bed but then thought it might over heat so I put it on the floor by which point it was loaded up so I sat down to check my accounts (How do I have a 7/11 charge for Dec 29 when it's the 27?) and I ended up looking at facebook which took a minute because I haven't really been on line since the 23rd adn then I figured I'd better write in my blog now before I do curl up in bed and then decide I'm too lazy to even blog as I am currently FREEZING down here on the floor and am still far too lazy to get up and shut my window. 

And me being cold made me think of the jokes I was cracking today with a co-worker about getting older and how our bodies hurt a little more and how only hot showers can truly warm us up. 

And the chatter of warm showers reminded me of how those are out of the question here at my tiny abode because our drain is plugged and apparently the lazy landlord take holidays for weeks at a time (drain has been clogged for a little over 2 weeks but now it's out of control).

Buut maybe it's a good thing for tonight because all of this cold and then hot showering is drying out my skin. 

Unrelated:

Christmas at home was good. I was only there for 2 nights. Today was the big dinner at my moms which I missed because I was busy working a 14 hour day. 

It's different being at home because my parents' lives have changed so much since I lived there that there isn't really a place or space that's mine anymore; but that is of small concern when everyone's arms and hearts are wide open. 

I got some cash money and a camera for Christmas.

One of the girls I work with was joking around about not having a boyfriend over Christmas and how she'll never let that happen again because she didn't get any real presents; no one spoiled her. It was a joke said with seriousness that I found funny and totally related too... only I haven't had a boyfriend in so long that I don't remember what it's like to feel spoiled like that. 

I do recall the excitement and anxiety about getting your guy the perfect gift! 

Unrelated:

I watched an episode of "Undercovers" the other day. Don't really love the show- it has great potential but the writers could use some editing by both the writers of prison break and Grey's Anatomy. But the two female leads are mixed (looking) like me!! and the one girl is only a year older than me! I'm so jealous of their opportunity!!! Oh well, mine will come. As long as I don't find out that they audition that show in Toronto....

Merry Christmas!!!!!

Spring Chickens

I just watched Love Actually. Gets me everytime- I love it. I also love Valentines Day, great movies. Unlike most, I believe love is like it is in the movies- painful and rewarding, deep and passionate and of course, work.  I know people who do romantic things for the person they love all the time, and sexy things to keep the sparks alive. I'm a skeptic some days but I'm usually a complete and hopeless romantic; I can wait to fall in love because I know when I do, it will be great.

Unrelated:

I was thinking about work and how much I still have to learn and get used to and I remembered yesterday, these two guys sat at my bar, which wasn't open yet and chatted with me for several minutes. We chit chatted about football, winter sports and the dangers of snowmobiling, family, Toronto neighbourhoods and sports injuries. The guys were Adam and Alberta (I can't remember the guy that did most of the talking's name). At one point we were talking about careers and jobs and our education and I told them I bartend while I chase dreams. More chatter. They asked me if I want to go back to school or what I want to do when I grow up and I said I'd like to get my masters eventually but hopefully I can make a living doing what I love and that I feel like I've been in school and working my whole life and haven't had a lot of fun yet or seen a lot of places and would like to do that first before jumping into a 'real job', which to me is code for I'm an actor, I'm just starting out and I'm nervous to tell you that because people aren't too kind to people with big dreams, or any dream really. And Alberta asked how old I was, because I talk like I'm so old. I told them I was 26 and Alberta said "Well you're no spring chicken are ya'?" Rude!
I said I guess not.
I suppose age matters in a lot of things, but when you're doing what makes you happy, or working towards something, a goal, age doesn't matter. And I'd rather be 60 going after my goals than to have lived my entire life wondering what would've happened if I'd just tried, to be an actor, wondering what would be different or if I'd be more successful or more happy. I'm doing this now because I waited until recently to be honest with myself and the world about what I want, and it's going to take time and effort and money and I'll have to make some sacrifices along the way, but I'll also learn a lot and meet a lot of people, go to great places, do great things, I think one day my career will give me a voice louder than mine is now and that too will be great, so... I figure, better late than never right? Any time is better than never.

There's much cleaning to be done, but today...

I stayed at home and caught up on some much needed sleep allllll day. It was great. I got up at 5pm, cooked dinner for roomie and I, did some laundry and then we watched Bicentennial Man... I thought it would be a fun childhood recap. My god- that is 2.5 hours I cannot get back. I'm surprised my roommate still likes me.
She says Battlefield Earth is a worse movie; I haven't seen it and likely will not.

I'm headed west towards home tomorrow! I will visit my sister and my nephew first, then my little sister if she has a minute, likely sleep at one of their homes and then go to Stratty and see my mother, father and brother. I should also finish my Christmas shopping.
But first, I will curl up with Love Actually.
Night!

Lunar Eclipse

Today I thought about going to bed all day.
I had a little Christmas night in with some friends after work, I fell asleep during the movie. When I was driving home I was reminded about the lunar eclipse and thought I'll stay awake to watch that and THEN go to bed. But when I got home I realised that I couldn't see the moon from my balcony (or it's eclipsed at the moment). I think I should suit up and go for a walk around the block to see it, it does happen every million years or something like that, so if I miss it tonight, I'll probably miss it for life. With big moments like this, I want to be able to tell kids, "you know where I was during the lunar eclipse of 2010?" I remember my first solar eclipse, where I was when 9/11 was happening, what I was doing when Obama won the election ect (actually that may be all).
Anyway, this eclipse is going to happen in 9 minutes and I'm in bed. I'll youtube it tomorrow.

Looks like I'm sticking to the original plan.

Routine

I think I'm getting to that age in my life where I need some routine. :( I need to be able to get to bed around the same time so I can get up and nap around the same time so that I can volunteer, work the same hours, go to the gym.
Last night I was so tired, I was going on 4.5 hours of sleep all day and worked for 9 hours. I came home, tried to unclog our tun drain for about 2 hours and failed. The water from yesterday is still in there.Gross. And went to bed, fell asleep around 12:45am and woke up at 3:22am. I tossed and turned for a bit and then finished reading "As I Lay Dying" by Faulkner. The end was confusing and I cried throughout the last few chapters, but not the last chapter-the last chapter devastated me. My acting coach encouraged me to read it to help create a base for emotion. It was an interesting read but I'm not sure it's a source I'll draw from when acting. Then it was 6am. I still couldn't sleep so I read the book Bobby Anderson gave me; he was a Fan at the Sports Bar yesterday who appreciated my service. He gave me the book, signed it and said, "I can clearly see you already live this way, but  this is for you anyway". His book is called "Living Well". At 7:10am my eyes finally quit and I fell asleep and I snoozed my 8:20am alarm. I woke up at 9:38am, Freak Out! Threw on my uniform, grabbed my makeup bag and left for work while trying to think of valid excuses I could tell my boss for not being ready to work at 10am as scheduled. Or wait... What time am I scheduled..? I checked. 1pm. I was already in the car over 2 blocks away. I turned around and came back to my apartment. Peeled off my clothes and am coming to you live from my bed, with heavy eyelids and an empty stomach.

I think it would be nice to have some routine; but I understand I can't have it all, or at least not all at once, or maybe just not right now.

Niiight!

Jokes on me!

How is it that I just got a call from a guy I went on a few dates with over the summer? The same guy whom I told to never talk to me again and to leave me alone and I'm not interested. Why did he come to the club I work at looking for me, fill me in on his life to date and then ask for my number to "catch up"? How does that kind of stuff happen... to me? Why can't it be a guy I AM interested in?
 I panicked when he asked for my number because he got a new phone and lost my number. I didn't loose yours, it's saved in my phone as do not answer. I gave it to him. I'm not the one that's supposed to be drinking and therefore making poor decisions but I figured he could look it up from when we were first talking...
...It seems he literally sought me out at the club and gave me a high five when I looked up to serve who was next, proceeded to shout his past 6 months out to me while I served other people and then asked for my number. I said no but he didn't hear me and just stared at me waiting to get it. I suggested he facebook me (which thinking back on was a dumb idea because I deleted him off of facebook).
Can I tell you about a date we had and what happened leading up to it?
We had gone to school together, he happens to come to the club I work at, we chit chat, I pass along my number not thinking much of it, he calls, we chat, he's cuter than I remember, we chat some more and he's less cute (also calls me grandma bc I'm a year older. :|  ), we chat some more and he's cute enough just not my type but I figure what the hell, we plan a date (4 times) and something comes up for me everytime, I feel guilty and bring him HC to his work, he loves it and tells ppl we're together, I clarify, we talk less but he keeps calling, finally go on that date wherein I pick him up, he's not ready, we watch youtube videos and music videos at his parents for 4 hours, I leave, starving, and go to work annoyed, he calls, I ask him to stop calling bc I'm not interested, he keeps calling, pops by my work (I'm serious), calls some more, then the calls stop. Aaaannd until last night I thought it was because he finally figured it out. Turns out he'd just gone away for school and since he's back for Christmas break... guess who he's connecting with?.. Me.... :|

The irony?..

Another bartender and I are waiting to start our shift and we're chatting about giving out our phone numbers to customers who request them and how we always say no, even if we are interested because we work in a place where people can come back and see us even if we don't want to see them (I can't just walk into your office, sit on your desk and be like, "Hey! How come you didn't call me back?" - SO WEIRD RIGHT?!). I told this other bartender how I made that mistake once, thinking it was no biggie because I sort-of knew the guy from before. And then the guy shows up about 30 minutes later.
*sigh*

The Joy of Baking

So I says to me I says, bobbi, this year you will bake cookies for a few of your friends.
Turns out I still hate baking and I'm bad at it. And shortbread cookies require a blender. Which I don't have. Also patience. Missing that... 
Roomie helped me make these chocolate dipped bread things I'd made with my mom last year. They didn't turn out right. And the cookies are gross. 
Insert sigh then chuckle- which only comes after much frustration because I got tired of whipping the butter and annoyed by how runny my chocolate dip was and sick of waiting for the cookies to bake and then sat on the floor almost sleeping waiting for them to cool so I could ice them.
Thank god roomie was helping me ("isn't there a candy-cane crusher machine? Seriously?! We need that").
You know what people? You will eat those cookies and dipped thingys and you will like them but I put my blood sweat and tears into them. Okay. Maybe just the tears. BaahahahaThis baking confirmed that I may not be the best soccer mom. Pfff- should pickney grace my life, Ill call in my siblings and mother to aid in the school bake sale department.

Curfew

Remember when you were a young pickney and you had a curfew? Which essentially ensured that you'd be in bed a certain time- usually about an hour after curfew.
I need a curfew. I haven't gotten in bed before midnight for about 3 weeks (Sunday last week I was in bed by 10pm and asleep before I hit the pillow- I was wiped-  but gotten woken by my roomies thunder steps when she got home at 1:30am and the last time I looked at the clock after that was 4:34am). I've gotten in bed around 2:30am and am falling asleep around 5am. It's 5:37am and I'm just thinking about getting to bed pending writing a few more Christmas cards.
Granted I was at work until 4am and grabbed a shower before plopping down to blog. Should one really blog at this hour?
I suppose it's better than drunk blogging. I've read over some of my drunk blogs and have felt shame; but didn't delete- if you can't take the worst of me, you don't get the best of me (Thanks Marilyn). Annnd I don't get up until 3 in the afternoon, and have been showering and going to work anyway. Exciting life!!

Unrelated:

January has already went ahead and got me worried. But it's not January's fault. I have one shift this week at Real Sports... what if that keeps up? One cannot pay bills on one shift a week and one can certainly not save money on that shift. Especially when it's a 5 hour shift on a Sunday afternoon. *sigh*
I suppose I should seek additional employment until it picks up.
Perhaps though, with my new agent, I will be busy making money while living my dream! I believe it will happen.

Unrelated:

Roomie is seeing a really nice guy and the two of them have conspired to hook me up with someone he knows. Roomie has assured that she assured her guy that "I'm nice and real and I'm not like" roomie. We'll see how this goes. Last time friends hooked me up, the guy ordered for me, made me go for a walk after dinner to burn calories but assured me I'm hot enough to date him, he checked and talked the entire time about how awesome he is and kept asking me what I thought of him; it was truly awful because he drove an hour away from where I was living at the time, to dine me- which also means an hour ride home.
:|

My Feet!!

I never want to get corns.

I bought shoes for work a size too big hoping that by doing so my toes would have space to wiggle around. Instead they slide around and get jammed into the front of my boots and wear holes in my socks and make my precious toe skin red.
What to do, what to do.
I even bought insoles so my feet would be cushioned all day. Insole or not, my toes hurt.

Us poor women put our bodies through way to much to look good.

I need a pair of square toe sneakers with extra cushion. Plenty of wiggle room, decent grip and lots of squish for comfort. Not so cute though...

People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing. Abraham Lincoln

This Christmas wish makes my list look shitty..

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=180315618651277


And Lord knows how many others are out there. Maybe for Christmas you could give to a charity on someones behalf?
Foodbank
Salvation Army
Cancer Research
WWF
and on..

I'd rather be...

..."trippin" than falling.
... me than you.
... laughing than crying.
...true than a shadow for you.

and yet here I am.
Falling pretending to trip.




Actually that's not true. But it's how I feel.
I think I pretend an awful lot to be a strong independent single. Let's get serious, even the most feminist of feminists cannot deny the innate desire to be loved by someone they desire to have love them. I'm not really a feminist and I'm definitely not an exception; it would be nice to be understood.

My Christmas List

I used to look at the Wishbook every year when I was a kid and flag down all of the things I liked and some of the things I was going to buy for someone else (aka uumm mom, can I have some money?). As I got older, I did the same thing. But I sort-of had my own money and realized that buying from the Wishbook took planning and forethought- Who buys Christmas gifts in November? Or even the first week of December?
I did that one year- had all my shopping done by Dec 1st. It was the year I was off in between highschool and University. I spent a fortune that year because December rolled in with all it's discounts and red flags and I couldn't stop buying. By Boxing day, when I was prepared to shop for myself, I was broke. It seemed tragic then but it's humorous now! It's even more amusing now actually, because I've always been broke at Christmas and that feeling of knowing you have no money in your bank, or if 'i buy that gift I'll have no money left' always weighs heavy and has a way of ruining the holiday.
Geez, when did giving become so stressful? But, I've been a good girl this year and saved my pennies so even if my bank should empty, there are some Christmas coins under the mattress (that is not a precise location.. so don't go snooping)

My family has always been lucky- we always manage but Christmas can be tough. I think because you have to more than manage to meet those giving expectations. It's funny because nobody ever expects a gift from anyone else- it's we ourselves that create that expectation of giving and the stress of all the giving costs.
I know that when I was broke at Christmas I would always think, gee if I hadn't bought that jacket or boots or gone on that trip last july or even tried to save all year for Christmas, maybe i would have some dough; like anyone I know would ever look back over the holidays and think "Well.. everyone gave me a present this year EXCEPT Bobbi- I'll be striking her off my friend list"

My point is, don't worry about it! I would rather spend the day with a broke friend or loved one going door to door collecting canned food or drinking and baking cookies (I hate baking) than feel like someone broke the bank to put a smile on my face.
Some of my best holiday memories are fighting with my siblings over the tv-guide carol book that came with the newspaper or laughing and cooking a great meal with friends, going tobogganing and sitting around watching  that Christmas biography about Roudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (I believe that's the name of the movie..)

But in case you or someone you know is in the giving mood and has the resources to strike a few items off my Christmas Wishlist, I'll fill you in on what would make my holiday perfect

-Oprah decides not to retire until she interview's me
-The Real Sports Bar is SO busy over the next few months and I make great tips every shift
-The Polar Ice Caps recover and look the way they did 100 years ago (that means the ozone patches up!)
-Black Sweater
-OSAP decides to knock any amount of money off of any current loan holders account
-My parents win the lottery
-I get Good Health Cards to pass out to those I love (at least 15 please!)
-Motivation (mostly for the gym or...)
-Treadmill
-A lead role in feature film shortly after the tv show I star in airs (I'm serious) (I'm will to wait for this gift until about May 2011?)
-A longer and wetter wet season in Africa annnnd cheaper pharmaceuticals in developing countries
-R&R jeans
-Shortbread cookies
-and in case you can wield miracles (Santa?), maybe have my parents in the same room and the tension not be so think it's the holiday meal.

Uh-Oh

I've either completely changed as a person 'work' is no longer in my vocabulary or S.A.D. is kicking in early or I worked my ass off between the Thompson, Rehab and whatever other work I could get for 6 months that I am buuurnt out.

I suppose I had 3 weeks off before I started working again.. but I spent that time looking for work, visiting my family, having my family visit me and taking a mini vacay that wasn't so much a vacay as justification for future therapy. I am SO tired!! All I want to do is sleep and when I wake up it's to eat and use the washroom.

I find this state very annoying and something will be done of it tomorrow at 10am.. when I officially wakeup (after working 11pm-3:30am tonight) for my first real shift at Real Sports Bar.
Goooo Bobbi!

Maybe I just need a better multi-vitamin... or to remember to take the one I have..! eeeheeemm.

Eggs for Sale?

Looking for some extra cash? Are you a good looking female between 24 and 34, intelligent and perhaps even athletic? Well look no further! You can harvest and 'donate your eggs' for a month and sell them for $5,000 to $10,000!

Hmmm.. I'm looking for some extra cash... maybe I won't look any further. 


Unrelated:

So I left my agent because he sucks. He's a really nice guy but when it comes to business he's wasting our time. He doesn't go to his office, he doesn't pay me, he doesn't answer the phone or emails... Plus he's non union and has a million excuses as to why he won't get further certified and he doens't push me for jobs.. and none of this is seculation. I didn't think he would be shocked when I told him I was moving on. He was. And he told me that as per the contract I signed with him, I can't work or sign with a new agent for 30 days. Fortunately that's no big deal really, because the industry shuts down pretty much from now until after the new years.Buuut... I feel like now is a bad time to try to hold me to a contract when he never stuck to it. And... I already signed with someone else but I don't remember that clause being there...
I hope my new agent doesn't notice and if she does I will threaten my old agent with the facts. I think all will be well.

New agents require new headshots. If I could recommend that you do not get your new headshots done by Chris Frampton. Unprofessional and the shots were all the same, just me making different faces.

Lies

I don't understand how people can lie... about anything really. Because of the guilt.

I don't even know how people hide things for a prolonged period of time... because it's lying too. and the Guilt... uuuuggghh!
If you came to me and asked, "Bobbi, what did you get me for Christmas" I would lie... and then feel bad about it in case you go out and buy what you really wanted instead and then I'd hope you'd ask me again so I can tell you the truth about what I purchased. I'm the worst! And gifts are a great thing to lie about!

I despise people asking me to lie for them or with them (I can think of a few exceptions.. like calling in sick to work and birthday parties). please don't get me caught up in your mess; I don't want to have to remember this lie later. I pride myself on never lying; you change who I am when you guilt me into your lies. that's double the guilt!

Unrelated:

I put on my facebook: I need a new car. Anyone have an extra money tree?!

People keep sending me links for cars they're trying to get rid of. I don't want your old-no-good- high-km-shit-box for $3000 to $11000, I have my own (not that all the cars offered were shitty) worth about $250! I want a money tree!
I don't see why that was confusing for everyone.

Unrelated:

I have one more training shift at work. I was going to skip it because there are so many people they don't even notice if you complete your training or not and everyone else is doing it (I can hear my dad, "if everyone was jumping off a cliff, would you do it?" "Well it depends Dad, how far before the landing and is it into a body of safe water or is everyone committing suicide? I need more information before I can answer that"). I decided that was wrong and not beneficial for myself at all. So... I'm going to finish it tomorrow afternoon.Which is lucky.. because if I didn't do this training shift, I might've come home from my day and had more chili ( I told you I made chili right? I called my mom from the grocery store for an ingredient list. I didn't think so at first but it is so good. Especially cold.). I can order some food from work... because lord know's my bowls and my poor little bum can't handle one more chili poo.

I am ACTOR (said with whatever accent you choose)

Did you know that if you soak your barely ripened grocery store/winter bought strawberries in warm water for a few minutes then strain them and sprinkle them with sugar, they almost taste like strawberries you just picked out of a hot summer field?
Of course if you over do it they will turn to mush.

I'm just gripping onto summer, which I feel like I miss every year.

I was talking with roomie about our news years eve plans. Mine our epic: Work. Probably at both jobs. Which got me to thinking about how I've sort-of sat out every calendar event in the last few years because I was broke or because I was working or 'everyone else' was busy or because I'm single (but ready to mingle!! baaahaha!)... like my birthday and new years and your birthday and births and illnesses and moving and your buck and doe and valentines day and christmas and long weekends and cottage trips and vacations and shows and I could go on. But it's depressing.

And it's depressing to me because....
...

...

...

I actually just sat here thinking about why that's depressing and I was going to complain about how I can't meet a guy that I'm interested in AND who's interested back AND is a good guy but the reality is that I'm not worried about finding mr. right or even mr. right-now because I know I will someday and while it would be nice to have a valentines day date or a birthday party thrown for me by my man, I don't care because I can do it myself. And so I couldn't find anything depressing about that list- it is however a wee bit funny that I dwell on the past so much especially when I'm so focused on the present and the future.

I really need to not listen to taylor swift and write in my blog! sheesh!

Unrelated:

Today was my last acting class at the proactors lab for a while. new sessions don't start until mid January and I'm not sure that I will be able to afford one then, so I'm not going to pay for it now... just in case.
Anyway, today we were working on Monologues and you do it, it gets filmed, you get feedback, you do it again, you get stopped and educated, you do it again ect until your time is up (which is only like 20 minutes TOPS so you have to know your stuff). SO I did mine and the teacher (marvin Hinz -love him) comes over and says
"do it again but in a deeper lover-lover, but still from the same place"
which made perfect sense to me but I had no idea how to do it. So Marvin said,
"okay... throw this line as though you were at a club and you wanted someone to dance with you, how would you ask?"
and I thought about it and shot through my life in video-montage and all the dancing i've done, all the way back to grade 7 and I can't remember ever asking a guy to dance with me (for a few reasons... like my parents told me if a guy is interested in dancing with you he'll ask and I believe that and because I'm so incredibly awkward that me asking anyone to dance would likely mean I like them and thus the request would come out in a mumbly mess.. so I avoid it ) so I said, "Well, if I wanted to dance with someone I wouldn't have to ask" and everyone died laughing.
We figured it out and I eventually remembered asking boyfriends to dance by taking their hand and guiding them to the dance floor (ok... that maybe happened like 2 times but whatever) and I used that premise and it worked.
Marvin's always helping me learn to be an better actor... it's great!
But for a second there, even though what I said was perhaps totally arrogant, I felt understood.
In an acting class and in acting, you have to be perfectly ok with who you are. Marvin is always telling us where we fall or where we can play- based on how we can stretch our talent and based on how we look. So my comment was taken just for what it was; that I don't recall ever asking anyone to dance and nothing more- which is rare. And we all know if we're pretty or not, old or not, fat or not, if we're always going to play cops or strippers or moms or drug abusers or if we're capable of playing that lead girl who throws herself out there for love in ways you'd never do in real life and wins; and in that class, I am capable of playing that girl.

Glee

It's perfectly normal to bawl your eyes out to episodes like this right? Even if you don't particularly enjoy the holidays...?

http://www.tv-dome.net/glee-season-2-episode-10/

This is my face.

My roommate is telling me about how this guy she's seeing saw me at my old job and even though I was really nice to him and charged his phone, he think's I'm a bitch... but he's not sure but judging by my face, I look like in "real life" I'd be a bitch.

A girl I've know for 2 days and another for 1 hour at my new job and I were chatting about the people that work at this bar I'm now at and how some of the bartenders are really bitchy and rude for no reason. And I was saying that I understand it's 'their space' and like things done a certain way but being rude to me for no reason will not go over will with me... because I will tell them they are rude, probably tell on them and then secretly cry in the washroom. And these two girls who I barely know both declared that they don't think that I will have any problems because I look like I can  hold my own and I am 'kind of, you know, hard like those mean girls are'. What does that even mean?! And I chuckled out loud with them and thought to myself  I am really sensitive, how come people don't see that?
I also watched a few of the other girls at work today suck up to the mean girls. And I thought it was funny because I would never do that. Maybe that's what people see..?

Apparently Chris Frampton, infamous Toronto Photographer looks at my face and sees WRINKLES! I got my headshots back today... I look exhausted, which I was... but the piles of makeup the artist put on should've corrected that (except she put more eye-shadow on one eye) and I look about... 32... my roommate says 36. The lighting is set up in such a way that when I'm not smiling I look like I have bad botox in the chin/cheek area and when I am smiling I have CROWS FEET and about 3 wrinkles PER SIDE on my cheeks.
I admit that I do not look like the young spring chicken I used to, but I should still look like a chicken in the prime of her egg laying years in all of those damn photos!!!!

I can't decide what's worse... you all perceiving me as a bitch or as some older, haggier version of me!!

Ok. Who am I kidding... I'd much rather look like a bitch.

Dust

Do you ever listen to your friends talk, watch their lips while they're telling stories and then stop listening because you realize you've heard the story before; it was your life however long ago? And when you see the lips stall you interrupt with all of your worldly advice because all you want to do is protect your person from making the same mistakes you did. and then when you're done giving your advice they say thanks and come back a week, a day, a month later with "I wish I had understood what you were saying then or did what you told me to do".and while you sit there giving them new advice because you did the same thing they are currently doing, realize that you've become your parents in your own right? because for the most part our parents give us advice with our best interest in mind and you hate(d) it because you know better than them or you hate the idea of heading the advice given because it might take away from your own opportunity to grow via making mistakes or you believe that you may be that one person in 1 billion that has things go the way you anticipate or dream it will.
no? me either.
or how about growing up with parents so strict in some regards that their advice becomes rules and therefore takes your chance to make your own mistakes away, which results in house arrest (grounding) or phone privileges being taken away or something of equally devastating consequence? My parents spent the majority of my life telling me about boys and sex and "if I tell you there's a hole there and you go there anyway and fall in, you're on your own" and about education ruling the world and how not everyone gets equal chances and nothing is fair.
One gets to be tough on themselves  after a while and expect nothing less than perfect worried that if something less than that is produced no one will take them, and one starts to believe that if you're not going to be number one then why do it, worry that an A is not good enough when you should've gotten an A++, worry that all men are looking at you for sex if you forget to cross your legs and that gaps in your teeth are just a reminder that you should always smile with your mouth closed.
Buuut then you remember that nobody is perfect and your parents always want the best for you and that one time you didn't cross your legs and the man that offered to buy you a vacation (with him) was probably talking through the vodka (and IS your parents warning) because you were wearing pants and that that 'A' got you into post secondary school with a scholarship and you can't help it if you have veiny legs because.... well that seems to be genetic and so are those gap teeth and... well....nobody's perfect.

I'm sorry what was I talking about? Dust? falling on our past and us blowing it away and it landing on some one else and us trying to brush it off them because you feel like it's you're dust? no? ummmm

Cleveland?

because I learned a lot about Mama while I was there. And me. one of the things I learned about me is that I need more carbs in my life and probably less beer. Sometimes I can't decide if what I learn about people I felt like I knew is more hurtful than the fact that I didn't see what I learned, coming.

Or was I talking about the food/possible alcohol poisoning I got from Mcdonalds/beer? I think it was a Sausauge and egg mcmuffin I had in buffalo.... they are NOT supposed to taste like that!! it was shortly after that the vomiting ensued. for 15 hours.

Or was I talking about working at Real Sports Bar and how I have to learn every job before starting bartending and I absolutely despise serving and I don't know when my first bartending shift  is?

Unrelated:

I made my first ever chili today. It was good. Not as good as I'd hoped, but still very good!

Unrelated:

I feel like your home should only get dusty if you're in it or you leave it for a while with the heat/fans on.

I've been home about 24 hours in the last 5 days and everything is dusty.

So!

I start Sunday at Real Sports.

I'm headed to Cleveland... now. Then back to my apartment Thursday night, home Friday to Saturday, Saturday work at the club and then first day at Real Sports Sunday to Thursday.

Maybe I'll get a real vacay in January!

I'll let you know about the Miami Cleveland game when I get back :)