I am still in love with Jim Halpert

Well, I did everything I wanted to do today. Plus worked 9 hours. It's 4:30am... I gotta get up at 9 to work for 11am and will be working straight through until 3:30am. I plan on making it rain!!!

I do wish I didn't have this awful chest infection though... it' keeps me up. 

So since I wont' be on here tomorrow until late...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

If I have to do it single, I'm going to do it right.

Hoo-ray. Another  year has passed and I haven't even dated anyone worth while (did I tell you about the guy I went on a date with who showed me the nice condos and things he'd buy me once I finished my masters, talked about how many kids we'd have and encouraged me to fix the gap in my teeth?-first and only date, he messaged me this morning asking me if i'd like to hang out. IGNORED!) and I'm ringing in the new year at work, once again, and single.
But this year, rather than working because I'd have nothing else to do, I'm working because I like the club I work at and make great money and because I'd rather make money and be behind the bar Busy then staring around the room wondering if I'm the only girl not kissing anyone at midnight.
So tomorrow I don't have to work until 6pm. I'm going to roll out of bed at my leisure, shower, go to the mall to purchase the finishing touches on my New's Years dress, get waxed and perhaps get a pedicure if time permits. I've lost a few pounds so a pedicure will look even better on me...
I will likely take myself out for a late lunch and then go to work.
I'll be ringing in 2011 sexified and happy, making money along side, what has turned out to be some great friends. AND my sister might come out to my club, so I'll get to cheers with her too!

What's the twist you're putting on your celebration?

Frowning causes Wrinkles. Surprise.

I had written a lovely blog expressing how upset I am with my current position at this new bar I'm working at. But the internet on my computer stopped working and I had to restart and it took hours to load back up so I watch the Kite Runner, which I've had on my laptop since 2008, perhaps 2007 but have never watched. It's a long movie. I've never watched a movie where I genuinely hated the 'hero'; what a coward of a man- some things you just can't fix.
anyway. I lost that blog. I believed I complained about how tired I am, yet here it is 5:30am and I'm awake blogging because I stayed up cleaning and watching a movie.
And those hours that have gone by since I complained in detail about why I dislike my job, have changed what I'm going to end up blogging about. Because as much as I hate my job, I hate being asked all the time why I'm a bartender. It's like people meet me and assume I'm supposed to be doing more with my life. Which I totally am. And if I'm so unhappy with the jobs that I can find while I do chase my dream, then perhaps it's time I stack the deck. Perhaps I can keep the jobs I have to pay the bills, pursue my acting career and go back to school part-time for some sort of job that will a. make me happy (let me pursue my acting career, volunteer and will be a job I enjoy) b. make me money and c. make me proud..
Pride can be such a bad thing. Some people would look back on this last 7 months and think about all the hours I put into working through the evenings and nights, every weekend and every holiday, so that I could do that Summerworks show and so that I can pursue and afford to be an actor. But I look back and think about all the birthdays I missed and family I haven't seen, the debts I still have to pay off and the lonely nights spent staring at the ceiling when it's too late to actually fall asleep but too early to get up and I feel like I'm in the exact same place as where I started.
So I'm starting fresh; new agent, new year, new headshots (yay!) and additional dream: challenge myself mentally by acquiring diploma or OREP (ontario real estate professional).
There. I told it to the world. So now I have to do it or not living up to my own goals will hurt my pride because I told you, so you'll know If fail me.

Thank you

I LOVE looking at the stats for my little blog and seeing that someone read it that day, especially when it was some one outside of Canada. There were a few days when I had some regular American readers who were directly linking my page!! SO COOL!!
So... thanks. For making me feel like someone's listening or like someone gets me. Love it.

Unrelated:

How is it that the servers at the bar make so much more money than the bartenders. I found out today that not all of them tip out to the bartenders what they're supposed to because most of the bartenders are so mean and the bartenders have no way of tracking what they are to receive from each server. SO frustrating. Especially since some of the servers are mean to me/us!! Oh well.. I'll just keep smiling and following the rules and doing my best and eventually everything will pay off.

Unrelated:

I think I'm getting sick. My throat is dry. You know that sore throat you get that only hurts to talk with after a while and your body kind of hurts but you don't look sick and you can function fine you just feel tired but every now and then your throat gives out and you randomly cough while your talking and you can't help it because you weren't expecting it? That's how I feel.
I let you know if I cough on anyone tomorrow!! haha.

Unrelated:

Spent the day with the ol ex-boyfriend. We're friends... kind of. I don't quite understand him but he's a nice enough guy and we went through our shit and made it out alive and we have lots of laughs and we LOVE movies and he loves the mall and I had shopping to do. Worked out. Lovely day. Saw True Grit. Great movie. Awful ending. Totally ruined it.
Then I met up with my buddy who I will call Buds and his buddies and bro. I have a crush on him in that totally normal he's a great guy what's not to love if you fuck with him I'll get you but I doubt I could ever date him kind of way.
Always good times.
We played video games and drank beer.

Now I'm in bed with an episode of Smallville (Tom, when are you going to leave your wife and marry me?) and a giant caramel brownie my sister made.

Not a bad day in anyway at all.

Remember When

I'm sitting on the floor in my room because... well because I was going to put my laptop on my bed to load up while I got prepped for bed but then thought it might over heat so I put it on the floor by which point it was loaded up so I sat down to check my accounts (How do I have a 7/11 charge for Dec 29 when it's the 27?) and I ended up looking at facebook which took a minute because I haven't really been on line since the 23rd adn then I figured I'd better write in my blog now before I do curl up in bed and then decide I'm too lazy to even blog as I am currently FREEZING down here on the floor and am still far too lazy to get up and shut my window. 

And me being cold made me think of the jokes I was cracking today with a co-worker about getting older and how our bodies hurt a little more and how only hot showers can truly warm us up. 

And the chatter of warm showers reminded me of how those are out of the question here at my tiny abode because our drain is plugged and apparently the lazy landlord take holidays for weeks at a time (drain has been clogged for a little over 2 weeks but now it's out of control).

Buut maybe it's a good thing for tonight because all of this cold and then hot showering is drying out my skin. 

Unrelated:

Christmas at home was good. I was only there for 2 nights. Today was the big dinner at my moms which I missed because I was busy working a 14 hour day. 

It's different being at home because my parents' lives have changed so much since I lived there that there isn't really a place or space that's mine anymore; but that is of small concern when everyone's arms and hearts are wide open. 

I got some cash money and a camera for Christmas.

One of the girls I work with was joking around about not having a boyfriend over Christmas and how she'll never let that happen again because she didn't get any real presents; no one spoiled her. It was a joke said with seriousness that I found funny and totally related too... only I haven't had a boyfriend in so long that I don't remember what it's like to feel spoiled like that. 

I do recall the excitement and anxiety about getting your guy the perfect gift! 

Unrelated:

I watched an episode of "Undercovers" the other day. Don't really love the show- it has great potential but the writers could use some editing by both the writers of prison break and Grey's Anatomy. But the two female leads are mixed (looking) like me!! and the one girl is only a year older than me! I'm so jealous of their opportunity!!! Oh well, mine will come. As long as I don't find out that they audition that show in Toronto....

Merry Christmas!!!!!

Spring Chickens

I just watched Love Actually. Gets me everytime- I love it. I also love Valentines Day, great movies. Unlike most, I believe love is like it is in the movies- painful and rewarding, deep and passionate and of course, work.  I know people who do romantic things for the person they love all the time, and sexy things to keep the sparks alive. I'm a skeptic some days but I'm usually a complete and hopeless romantic; I can wait to fall in love because I know when I do, it will be great.

Unrelated:

I was thinking about work and how much I still have to learn and get used to and I remembered yesterday, these two guys sat at my bar, which wasn't open yet and chatted with me for several minutes. We chit chatted about football, winter sports and the dangers of snowmobiling, family, Toronto neighbourhoods and sports injuries. The guys were Adam and Alberta (I can't remember the guy that did most of the talking's name). At one point we were talking about careers and jobs and our education and I told them I bartend while I chase dreams. More chatter. They asked me if I want to go back to school or what I want to do when I grow up and I said I'd like to get my masters eventually but hopefully I can make a living doing what I love and that I feel like I've been in school and working my whole life and haven't had a lot of fun yet or seen a lot of places and would like to do that first before jumping into a 'real job', which to me is code for I'm an actor, I'm just starting out and I'm nervous to tell you that because people aren't too kind to people with big dreams, or any dream really. And Alberta asked how old I was, because I talk like I'm so old. I told them I was 26 and Alberta said "Well you're no spring chicken are ya'?" Rude!
I said I guess not.
I suppose age matters in a lot of things, but when you're doing what makes you happy, or working towards something, a goal, age doesn't matter. And I'd rather be 60 going after my goals than to have lived my entire life wondering what would've happened if I'd just tried, to be an actor, wondering what would be different or if I'd be more successful or more happy. I'm doing this now because I waited until recently to be honest with myself and the world about what I want, and it's going to take time and effort and money and I'll have to make some sacrifices along the way, but I'll also learn a lot and meet a lot of people, go to great places, do great things, I think one day my career will give me a voice louder than mine is now and that too will be great, so... I figure, better late than never right? Any time is better than never.

There's much cleaning to be done, but today...

I stayed at home and caught up on some much needed sleep allllll day. It was great. I got up at 5pm, cooked dinner for roomie and I, did some laundry and then we watched Bicentennial Man... I thought it would be a fun childhood recap. My god- that is 2.5 hours I cannot get back. I'm surprised my roommate still likes me.
She says Battlefield Earth is a worse movie; I haven't seen it and likely will not.

I'm headed west towards home tomorrow! I will visit my sister and my nephew first, then my little sister if she has a minute, likely sleep at one of their homes and then go to Stratty and see my mother, father and brother. I should also finish my Christmas shopping.
But first, I will curl up with Love Actually.
Night!

Lunar Eclipse

Today I thought about going to bed all day.
I had a little Christmas night in with some friends after work, I fell asleep during the movie. When I was driving home I was reminded about the lunar eclipse and thought I'll stay awake to watch that and THEN go to bed. But when I got home I realised that I couldn't see the moon from my balcony (or it's eclipsed at the moment). I think I should suit up and go for a walk around the block to see it, it does happen every million years or something like that, so if I miss it tonight, I'll probably miss it for life. With big moments like this, I want to be able to tell kids, "you know where I was during the lunar eclipse of 2010?" I remember my first solar eclipse, where I was when 9/11 was happening, what I was doing when Obama won the election ect (actually that may be all).
Anyway, this eclipse is going to happen in 9 minutes and I'm in bed. I'll youtube it tomorrow.

Looks like I'm sticking to the original plan.

Routine

I think I'm getting to that age in my life where I need some routine. :( I need to be able to get to bed around the same time so I can get up and nap around the same time so that I can volunteer, work the same hours, go to the gym.
Last night I was so tired, I was going on 4.5 hours of sleep all day and worked for 9 hours. I came home, tried to unclog our tun drain for about 2 hours and failed. The water from yesterday is still in there.Gross. And went to bed, fell asleep around 12:45am and woke up at 3:22am. I tossed and turned for a bit and then finished reading "As I Lay Dying" by Faulkner. The end was confusing and I cried throughout the last few chapters, but not the last chapter-the last chapter devastated me. My acting coach encouraged me to read it to help create a base for emotion. It was an interesting read but I'm not sure it's a source I'll draw from when acting. Then it was 6am. I still couldn't sleep so I read the book Bobby Anderson gave me; he was a Fan at the Sports Bar yesterday who appreciated my service. He gave me the book, signed it and said, "I can clearly see you already live this way, but  this is for you anyway". His book is called "Living Well". At 7:10am my eyes finally quit and I fell asleep and I snoozed my 8:20am alarm. I woke up at 9:38am, Freak Out! Threw on my uniform, grabbed my makeup bag and left for work while trying to think of valid excuses I could tell my boss for not being ready to work at 10am as scheduled. Or wait... What time am I scheduled..? I checked. 1pm. I was already in the car over 2 blocks away. I turned around and came back to my apartment. Peeled off my clothes and am coming to you live from my bed, with heavy eyelids and an empty stomach.

I think it would be nice to have some routine; but I understand I can't have it all, or at least not all at once, or maybe just not right now.

Niiight!

Jokes on me!

How is it that I just got a call from a guy I went on a few dates with over the summer? The same guy whom I told to never talk to me again and to leave me alone and I'm not interested. Why did he come to the club I work at looking for me, fill me in on his life to date and then ask for my number to "catch up"? How does that kind of stuff happen... to me? Why can't it be a guy I AM interested in?
 I panicked when he asked for my number because he got a new phone and lost my number. I didn't loose yours, it's saved in my phone as do not answer. I gave it to him. I'm not the one that's supposed to be drinking and therefore making poor decisions but I figured he could look it up from when we were first talking...
...It seems he literally sought me out at the club and gave me a high five when I looked up to serve who was next, proceeded to shout his past 6 months out to me while I served other people and then asked for my number. I said no but he didn't hear me and just stared at me waiting to get it. I suggested he facebook me (which thinking back on was a dumb idea because I deleted him off of facebook).
Can I tell you about a date we had and what happened leading up to it?
We had gone to school together, he happens to come to the club I work at, we chit chat, I pass along my number not thinking much of it, he calls, we chat, he's cuter than I remember, we chat some more and he's less cute (also calls me grandma bc I'm a year older. :|  ), we chat some more and he's cute enough just not my type but I figure what the hell, we plan a date (4 times) and something comes up for me everytime, I feel guilty and bring him HC to his work, he loves it and tells ppl we're together, I clarify, we talk less but he keeps calling, finally go on that date wherein I pick him up, he's not ready, we watch youtube videos and music videos at his parents for 4 hours, I leave, starving, and go to work annoyed, he calls, I ask him to stop calling bc I'm not interested, he keeps calling, pops by my work (I'm serious), calls some more, then the calls stop. Aaaannd until last night I thought it was because he finally figured it out. Turns out he'd just gone away for school and since he's back for Christmas break... guess who he's connecting with?.. Me.... :|

The irony?..

Another bartender and I are waiting to start our shift and we're chatting about giving out our phone numbers to customers who request them and how we always say no, even if we are interested because we work in a place where people can come back and see us even if we don't want to see them (I can't just walk into your office, sit on your desk and be like, "Hey! How come you didn't call me back?" - SO WEIRD RIGHT?!). I told this other bartender how I made that mistake once, thinking it was no biggie because I sort-of knew the guy from before. And then the guy shows up about 30 minutes later.
*sigh*

The Joy of Baking

So I says to me I says, bobbi, this year you will bake cookies for a few of your friends.
Turns out I still hate baking and I'm bad at it. And shortbread cookies require a blender. Which I don't have. Also patience. Missing that... 
Roomie helped me make these chocolate dipped bread things I'd made with my mom last year. They didn't turn out right. And the cookies are gross. 
Insert sigh then chuckle- which only comes after much frustration because I got tired of whipping the butter and annoyed by how runny my chocolate dip was and sick of waiting for the cookies to bake and then sat on the floor almost sleeping waiting for them to cool so I could ice them.
Thank god roomie was helping me ("isn't there a candy-cane crusher machine? Seriously?! We need that").
You know what people? You will eat those cookies and dipped thingys and you will like them but I put my blood sweat and tears into them. Okay. Maybe just the tears. BaahahahaThis baking confirmed that I may not be the best soccer mom. Pfff- should pickney grace my life, Ill call in my siblings and mother to aid in the school bake sale department.

Curfew

Remember when you were a young pickney and you had a curfew? Which essentially ensured that you'd be in bed a certain time- usually about an hour after curfew.
I need a curfew. I haven't gotten in bed before midnight for about 3 weeks (Sunday last week I was in bed by 10pm and asleep before I hit the pillow- I was wiped-  but gotten woken by my roomies thunder steps when she got home at 1:30am and the last time I looked at the clock after that was 4:34am). I've gotten in bed around 2:30am and am falling asleep around 5am. It's 5:37am and I'm just thinking about getting to bed pending writing a few more Christmas cards.
Granted I was at work until 4am and grabbed a shower before plopping down to blog. Should one really blog at this hour?
I suppose it's better than drunk blogging. I've read over some of my drunk blogs and have felt shame; but didn't delete- if you can't take the worst of me, you don't get the best of me (Thanks Marilyn). Annnd I don't get up until 3 in the afternoon, and have been showering and going to work anyway. Exciting life!!

Unrelated:

January has already went ahead and got me worried. But it's not January's fault. I have one shift this week at Real Sports... what if that keeps up? One cannot pay bills on one shift a week and one can certainly not save money on that shift. Especially when it's a 5 hour shift on a Sunday afternoon. *sigh*
I suppose I should seek additional employment until it picks up.
Perhaps though, with my new agent, I will be busy making money while living my dream! I believe it will happen.

Unrelated:

Roomie is seeing a really nice guy and the two of them have conspired to hook me up with someone he knows. Roomie has assured that she assured her guy that "I'm nice and real and I'm not like" roomie. We'll see how this goes. Last time friends hooked me up, the guy ordered for me, made me go for a walk after dinner to burn calories but assured me I'm hot enough to date him, he checked and talked the entire time about how awesome he is and kept asking me what I thought of him; it was truly awful because he drove an hour away from where I was living at the time, to dine me- which also means an hour ride home.
:|

My Feet!!

I never want to get corns.

I bought shoes for work a size too big hoping that by doing so my toes would have space to wiggle around. Instead they slide around and get jammed into the front of my boots and wear holes in my socks and make my precious toe skin red.
What to do, what to do.
I even bought insoles so my feet would be cushioned all day. Insole or not, my toes hurt.

Us poor women put our bodies through way to much to look good.

I need a pair of square toe sneakers with extra cushion. Plenty of wiggle room, decent grip and lots of squish for comfort. Not so cute though...

People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing. Abraham Lincoln

This Christmas wish makes my list look shitty..

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=180315618651277


And Lord knows how many others are out there. Maybe for Christmas you could give to a charity on someones behalf?
Foodbank
Salvation Army
Cancer Research
WWF
and on..

I'd rather be...

..."trippin" than falling.
... me than you.
... laughing than crying.
...true than a shadow for you.

and yet here I am.
Falling pretending to trip.




Actually that's not true. But it's how I feel.
I think I pretend an awful lot to be a strong independent single. Let's get serious, even the most feminist of feminists cannot deny the innate desire to be loved by someone they desire to have love them. I'm not really a feminist and I'm definitely not an exception; it would be nice to be understood.

My Christmas List

I used to look at the Wishbook every year when I was a kid and flag down all of the things I liked and some of the things I was going to buy for someone else (aka uumm mom, can I have some money?). As I got older, I did the same thing. But I sort-of had my own money and realized that buying from the Wishbook took planning and forethought- Who buys Christmas gifts in November? Or even the first week of December?
I did that one year- had all my shopping done by Dec 1st. It was the year I was off in between highschool and University. I spent a fortune that year because December rolled in with all it's discounts and red flags and I couldn't stop buying. By Boxing day, when I was prepared to shop for myself, I was broke. It seemed tragic then but it's humorous now! It's even more amusing now actually, because I've always been broke at Christmas and that feeling of knowing you have no money in your bank, or if 'i buy that gift I'll have no money left' always weighs heavy and has a way of ruining the holiday.
Geez, when did giving become so stressful? But, I've been a good girl this year and saved my pennies so even if my bank should empty, there are some Christmas coins under the mattress (that is not a precise location.. so don't go snooping)

My family has always been lucky- we always manage but Christmas can be tough. I think because you have to more than manage to meet those giving expectations. It's funny because nobody ever expects a gift from anyone else- it's we ourselves that create that expectation of giving and the stress of all the giving costs.
I know that when I was broke at Christmas I would always think, gee if I hadn't bought that jacket or boots or gone on that trip last july or even tried to save all year for Christmas, maybe i would have some dough; like anyone I know would ever look back over the holidays and think "Well.. everyone gave me a present this year EXCEPT Bobbi- I'll be striking her off my friend list"

My point is, don't worry about it! I would rather spend the day with a broke friend or loved one going door to door collecting canned food or drinking and baking cookies (I hate baking) than feel like someone broke the bank to put a smile on my face.
Some of my best holiday memories are fighting with my siblings over the tv-guide carol book that came with the newspaper or laughing and cooking a great meal with friends, going tobogganing and sitting around watching  that Christmas biography about Roudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (I believe that's the name of the movie..)

But in case you or someone you know is in the giving mood and has the resources to strike a few items off my Christmas Wishlist, I'll fill you in on what would make my holiday perfect

-Oprah decides not to retire until she interview's me
-The Real Sports Bar is SO busy over the next few months and I make great tips every shift
-The Polar Ice Caps recover and look the way they did 100 years ago (that means the ozone patches up!)
-Black Sweater
-OSAP decides to knock any amount of money off of any current loan holders account
-My parents win the lottery
-I get Good Health Cards to pass out to those I love (at least 15 please!)
-Motivation (mostly for the gym or...)
-Treadmill
-A lead role in feature film shortly after the tv show I star in airs (I'm serious) (I'm will to wait for this gift until about May 2011?)
-A longer and wetter wet season in Africa annnnd cheaper pharmaceuticals in developing countries
-R&R jeans
-Shortbread cookies
-and in case you can wield miracles (Santa?), maybe have my parents in the same room and the tension not be so think it's the holiday meal.

Uh-Oh

I've either completely changed as a person 'work' is no longer in my vocabulary or S.A.D. is kicking in early or I worked my ass off between the Thompson, Rehab and whatever other work I could get for 6 months that I am buuurnt out.

I suppose I had 3 weeks off before I started working again.. but I spent that time looking for work, visiting my family, having my family visit me and taking a mini vacay that wasn't so much a vacay as justification for future therapy. I am SO tired!! All I want to do is sleep and when I wake up it's to eat and use the washroom.

I find this state very annoying and something will be done of it tomorrow at 10am.. when I officially wakeup (after working 11pm-3:30am tonight) for my first real shift at Real Sports Bar.
Goooo Bobbi!

Maybe I just need a better multi-vitamin... or to remember to take the one I have..! eeeheeemm.

Eggs for Sale?

Looking for some extra cash? Are you a good looking female between 24 and 34, intelligent and perhaps even athletic? Well look no further! You can harvest and 'donate your eggs' for a month and sell them for $5,000 to $10,000!

Hmmm.. I'm looking for some extra cash... maybe I won't look any further. 


Unrelated:

So I left my agent because he sucks. He's a really nice guy but when it comes to business he's wasting our time. He doesn't go to his office, he doesn't pay me, he doesn't answer the phone or emails... Plus he's non union and has a million excuses as to why he won't get further certified and he doens't push me for jobs.. and none of this is seculation. I didn't think he would be shocked when I told him I was moving on. He was. And he told me that as per the contract I signed with him, I can't work or sign with a new agent for 30 days. Fortunately that's no big deal really, because the industry shuts down pretty much from now until after the new years.Buuut... I feel like now is a bad time to try to hold me to a contract when he never stuck to it. And... I already signed with someone else but I don't remember that clause being there...
I hope my new agent doesn't notice and if she does I will threaten my old agent with the facts. I think all will be well.

New agents require new headshots. If I could recommend that you do not get your new headshots done by Chris Frampton. Unprofessional and the shots were all the same, just me making different faces.

Lies

I don't understand how people can lie... about anything really. Because of the guilt.

I don't even know how people hide things for a prolonged period of time... because it's lying too. and the Guilt... uuuuggghh!
If you came to me and asked, "Bobbi, what did you get me for Christmas" I would lie... and then feel bad about it in case you go out and buy what you really wanted instead and then I'd hope you'd ask me again so I can tell you the truth about what I purchased. I'm the worst! And gifts are a great thing to lie about!

I despise people asking me to lie for them or with them (I can think of a few exceptions.. like calling in sick to work and birthday parties). please don't get me caught up in your mess; I don't want to have to remember this lie later. I pride myself on never lying; you change who I am when you guilt me into your lies. that's double the guilt!

Unrelated:

I put on my facebook: I need a new car. Anyone have an extra money tree?!

People keep sending me links for cars they're trying to get rid of. I don't want your old-no-good- high-km-shit-box for $3000 to $11000, I have my own (not that all the cars offered were shitty) worth about $250! I want a money tree!
I don't see why that was confusing for everyone.

Unrelated:

I have one more training shift at work. I was going to skip it because there are so many people they don't even notice if you complete your training or not and everyone else is doing it (I can hear my dad, "if everyone was jumping off a cliff, would you do it?" "Well it depends Dad, how far before the landing and is it into a body of safe water or is everyone committing suicide? I need more information before I can answer that"). I decided that was wrong and not beneficial for myself at all. So... I'm going to finish it tomorrow afternoon.Which is lucky.. because if I didn't do this training shift, I might've come home from my day and had more chili ( I told you I made chili right? I called my mom from the grocery store for an ingredient list. I didn't think so at first but it is so good. Especially cold.). I can order some food from work... because lord know's my bowls and my poor little bum can't handle one more chili poo.

I am ACTOR (said with whatever accent you choose)

Did you know that if you soak your barely ripened grocery store/winter bought strawberries in warm water for a few minutes then strain them and sprinkle them with sugar, they almost taste like strawberries you just picked out of a hot summer field?
Of course if you over do it they will turn to mush.

I'm just gripping onto summer, which I feel like I miss every year.

I was talking with roomie about our news years eve plans. Mine our epic: Work. Probably at both jobs. Which got me to thinking about how I've sort-of sat out every calendar event in the last few years because I was broke or because I was working or 'everyone else' was busy or because I'm single (but ready to mingle!! baaahaha!)... like my birthday and new years and your birthday and births and illnesses and moving and your buck and doe and valentines day and christmas and long weekends and cottage trips and vacations and shows and I could go on. But it's depressing.

And it's depressing to me because....
...

...

...

I actually just sat here thinking about why that's depressing and I was going to complain about how I can't meet a guy that I'm interested in AND who's interested back AND is a good guy but the reality is that I'm not worried about finding mr. right or even mr. right-now because I know I will someday and while it would be nice to have a valentines day date or a birthday party thrown for me by my man, I don't care because I can do it myself. And so I couldn't find anything depressing about that list- it is however a wee bit funny that I dwell on the past so much especially when I'm so focused on the present and the future.

I really need to not listen to taylor swift and write in my blog! sheesh!

Unrelated:

Today was my last acting class at the proactors lab for a while. new sessions don't start until mid January and I'm not sure that I will be able to afford one then, so I'm not going to pay for it now... just in case.
Anyway, today we were working on Monologues and you do it, it gets filmed, you get feedback, you do it again, you get stopped and educated, you do it again ect until your time is up (which is only like 20 minutes TOPS so you have to know your stuff). SO I did mine and the teacher (marvin Hinz -love him) comes over and says
"do it again but in a deeper lover-lover, but still from the same place"
which made perfect sense to me but I had no idea how to do it. So Marvin said,
"okay... throw this line as though you were at a club and you wanted someone to dance with you, how would you ask?"
and I thought about it and shot through my life in video-montage and all the dancing i've done, all the way back to grade 7 and I can't remember ever asking a guy to dance with me (for a few reasons... like my parents told me if a guy is interested in dancing with you he'll ask and I believe that and because I'm so incredibly awkward that me asking anyone to dance would likely mean I like them and thus the request would come out in a mumbly mess.. so I avoid it ) so I said, "Well, if I wanted to dance with someone I wouldn't have to ask" and everyone died laughing.
We figured it out and I eventually remembered asking boyfriends to dance by taking their hand and guiding them to the dance floor (ok... that maybe happened like 2 times but whatever) and I used that premise and it worked.
Marvin's always helping me learn to be an better actor... it's great!
But for a second there, even though what I said was perhaps totally arrogant, I felt understood.
In an acting class and in acting, you have to be perfectly ok with who you are. Marvin is always telling us where we fall or where we can play- based on how we can stretch our talent and based on how we look. So my comment was taken just for what it was; that I don't recall ever asking anyone to dance and nothing more- which is rare. And we all know if we're pretty or not, old or not, fat or not, if we're always going to play cops or strippers or moms or drug abusers or if we're capable of playing that lead girl who throws herself out there for love in ways you'd never do in real life and wins; and in that class, I am capable of playing that girl.

Glee

It's perfectly normal to bawl your eyes out to episodes like this right? Even if you don't particularly enjoy the holidays...?

http://www.tv-dome.net/glee-season-2-episode-10/

This is my face.

My roommate is telling me about how this guy she's seeing saw me at my old job and even though I was really nice to him and charged his phone, he think's I'm a bitch... but he's not sure but judging by my face, I look like in "real life" I'd be a bitch.

A girl I've know for 2 days and another for 1 hour at my new job and I were chatting about the people that work at this bar I'm now at and how some of the bartenders are really bitchy and rude for no reason. And I was saying that I understand it's 'their space' and like things done a certain way but being rude to me for no reason will not go over will with me... because I will tell them they are rude, probably tell on them and then secretly cry in the washroom. And these two girls who I barely know both declared that they don't think that I will have any problems because I look like I can  hold my own and I am 'kind of, you know, hard like those mean girls are'. What does that even mean?! And I chuckled out loud with them and thought to myself  I am really sensitive, how come people don't see that?
I also watched a few of the other girls at work today suck up to the mean girls. And I thought it was funny because I would never do that. Maybe that's what people see..?

Apparently Chris Frampton, infamous Toronto Photographer looks at my face and sees WRINKLES! I got my headshots back today... I look exhausted, which I was... but the piles of makeup the artist put on should've corrected that (except she put more eye-shadow on one eye) and I look about... 32... my roommate says 36. The lighting is set up in such a way that when I'm not smiling I look like I have bad botox in the chin/cheek area and when I am smiling I have CROWS FEET and about 3 wrinkles PER SIDE on my cheeks.
I admit that I do not look like the young spring chicken I used to, but I should still look like a chicken in the prime of her egg laying years in all of those damn photos!!!!

I can't decide what's worse... you all perceiving me as a bitch or as some older, haggier version of me!!

Ok. Who am I kidding... I'd much rather look like a bitch.

Dust

Do you ever listen to your friends talk, watch their lips while they're telling stories and then stop listening because you realize you've heard the story before; it was your life however long ago? And when you see the lips stall you interrupt with all of your worldly advice because all you want to do is protect your person from making the same mistakes you did. and then when you're done giving your advice they say thanks and come back a week, a day, a month later with "I wish I had understood what you were saying then or did what you told me to do".and while you sit there giving them new advice because you did the same thing they are currently doing, realize that you've become your parents in your own right? because for the most part our parents give us advice with our best interest in mind and you hate(d) it because you know better than them or you hate the idea of heading the advice given because it might take away from your own opportunity to grow via making mistakes or you believe that you may be that one person in 1 billion that has things go the way you anticipate or dream it will.
no? me either.
or how about growing up with parents so strict in some regards that their advice becomes rules and therefore takes your chance to make your own mistakes away, which results in house arrest (grounding) or phone privileges being taken away or something of equally devastating consequence? My parents spent the majority of my life telling me about boys and sex and "if I tell you there's a hole there and you go there anyway and fall in, you're on your own" and about education ruling the world and how not everyone gets equal chances and nothing is fair.
One gets to be tough on themselves  after a while and expect nothing less than perfect worried that if something less than that is produced no one will take them, and one starts to believe that if you're not going to be number one then why do it, worry that an A is not good enough when you should've gotten an A++, worry that all men are looking at you for sex if you forget to cross your legs and that gaps in your teeth are just a reminder that you should always smile with your mouth closed.
Buuut then you remember that nobody is perfect and your parents always want the best for you and that one time you didn't cross your legs and the man that offered to buy you a vacation (with him) was probably talking through the vodka (and IS your parents warning) because you were wearing pants and that that 'A' got you into post secondary school with a scholarship and you can't help it if you have veiny legs because.... well that seems to be genetic and so are those gap teeth and... well....nobody's perfect.

I'm sorry what was I talking about? Dust? falling on our past and us blowing it away and it landing on some one else and us trying to brush it off them because you feel like it's you're dust? no? ummmm

Cleveland?

because I learned a lot about Mama while I was there. And me. one of the things I learned about me is that I need more carbs in my life and probably less beer. Sometimes I can't decide if what I learn about people I felt like I knew is more hurtful than the fact that I didn't see what I learned, coming.

Or was I talking about the food/possible alcohol poisoning I got from Mcdonalds/beer? I think it was a Sausauge and egg mcmuffin I had in buffalo.... they are NOT supposed to taste like that!! it was shortly after that the vomiting ensued. for 15 hours.

Or was I talking about working at Real Sports Bar and how I have to learn every job before starting bartending and I absolutely despise serving and I don't know when my first bartending shift  is?

Unrelated:

I made my first ever chili today. It was good. Not as good as I'd hoped, but still very good!

Unrelated:

I feel like your home should only get dusty if you're in it or you leave it for a while with the heat/fans on.

I've been home about 24 hours in the last 5 days and everything is dusty.

So!

I start Sunday at Real Sports.

I'm headed to Cleveland... now. Then back to my apartment Thursday night, home Friday to Saturday, Saturday work at the club and then first day at Real Sports Sunday to Thursday.

Maybe I'll get a real vacay in January!

I'll let you know about the Miami Cleveland game when I get back :)

You should know...

That I am not in Stratford... apparently those plans were made prematurely and have now been moved to this weekend. Which works out well enough because it's my mothers birthday on Saturday so I can chillax with her before heading back to the big city of Oakville to bartend at Rehab. Why don't you come and see me there?

I have no idea what to get my ma either. Maybe I'll buy her a house. Or a car. Pffff... lol... maybe I should get a job first and then pay some debts off and THEN buy a house. but a car first. As Binty is Done! lol. Maybe I'll get her a sweater (cue email from my mother telling me I don't have to get her anything).

Welll I did get a job... Orientation is tomorrow. Yay! I'm one of many new bartenders at Real Sports Bar!!! YAAAAAAYYY. After my orientation, I'm going shopping for a party dress because I want a new dress. and Maybe some new shoes. And then I'm coming home and I'm going to look up vacations that I can take from that moment until my first day at my new job. I would like some sunshine in my life since I missed the majority of the summer working for that slave ship titled Thompson.
I was thinking Jamaica (baaahahaha. get it? Slave ship? Jamaica?.. no...? too terrible?!) since I have some family there I've never met and some that I have met. And it's warm.

Depending on that start date I might swing by Calgary. I might do that first since it is SO cold there... and see Christina. I miss her. and Perhaps I will hit up Albany being that my good friend Nicole lives there and I haven't seen her in a dogs age. Although maybe I should hold off on those visits until the new year since they may be home for Christmas.
Is it bad to book a week off work on my first day? I'd like to go away right after new years with my little sister. I'll have to hit the gym so she doesn't make me look bad with the rockin runners body she has. That's it, her and I are fighting! :)

And while I'm going away, perhaps I should visit Erica.

I just got side tracked looking up flight prices. I can go to the Riveria Maya for $450(Jamaica's about $400 more) including taxes, all inclusive in a 4.5 star hotel for 7 days or I can fly to Albany for $550. Barcelona is $445 plus tax for the flight... Here to Calgary is $448 and tax...

Maybe I should just do one trip and save some for the new year. I can do Albany and Calgary Sunday to Tuesday type things...

MAYBE... I should work.

Home

I'm headed home for a few days to see my long lost family! It's hard catching up with them all being that each member lives in a different place and all of our schedules are very different.  Always worth it though.

It's my moms birthday next Saturday... I need to think of a gift!

I'm taking my laptop with me (My laptop has a name... it's called "Mine") so I can blog whilst I'm away.

And also so that I can try and keep up on my P90x.pfff... Friday was day 1..., for the 3 or 4th try!!!

Binty

BINTY is a 2001 Hyundai Accent GSI. She's standard. She has dents all over the place and I've never hit anything, but a lot of things (bikes, kids on bikes, cars, jeeps, shoes with human feet in them...) have hit her and never while I've been in her. The blue hood came from the mechanic fixing the tranni and forgetting to latch it on his test drive. He gave binty back with a smashed windshield and that blue hood this past summer. Word of advice: do not let your moms boyfriend work on your car. Binty has 278, 244km on her and runs like it too! The drivers side window doesn't roll up unless you hold it because it slides out of frame, the blinkers and 4ways do not work if the car is cold, so she's a gem to drive in the winter (Nope, no one can fix it! I've been to a million mechanics who have tried). The tube for my washer fluid popped off so I can't wash my windows, very unsafe for these slushy times of year. The wheel bearing is going on the drivers side front tire and I need new tires. The ebrake light sensor is broken, probably because it got tired of the ebrakes sticking and quit. The dashboard lights blink on and off at their convenience, very inconvenient at night. There a several other things wrong with Binty, but she's only really let me down a few times. And even though she drives like danger, the heater works really well!

About a month ago...

Me: You guys drank all my beer?

Roomie: No. We didn't. The guys brought their own beer.

Me: Well my beer is all gone.

R: well, we didn't drink it. But I'll replace it.

Me: Well if you didn't drink it then don't replace it.

The next day my beer is replaced.

Wednesday...

Me: So dad, do you want beer, vodka, Bailey's... what?

Dad: I'll have a beer.

Me: (opening fridge) Ok... apparently I have no beer...

Thursday...

Me: Did you drink my beer?

Roomie: No. Why is it gone?

Me: Yes it's all gone and I hadn't touched it.

R: Well it must have disappeared, but I'll buy you a new case.

(I saw the empties in roomies room!)

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm an alcoholic that drinks in her sleep. I do sleep walk every now and then....

Unrelated:

I still have not found a job- partly because I have not looked that hard. I had a group interview at Real Sports... I REALLY want to bartend there. It would be great to make great money 5 days a week! Pay off my debt, save for school, go on a trip!...
Fingers crossed and follow up email sent.

Unrelated:

Sometimes when I write on here I wonder if the person I want to mock or question will read what I write and be offended or hurt or think something negative of me. Because what I write is in my head, with no other side of the story unless otherwise indicated and usually I'm joking, sometimes I'm not and since I don't mock those I like, I would proceed to be offended if a reader was offended by my thoughts written here on this virtual paper. And that bothers me; that I think about that that is. This blog was supposed to be an open forum for me alone to laugh or cry about my day, as I saw it, or share the things I think about or thought about or the things I wish I thought about.
It's become more of a censored outlet since I know who a few of the readers are, or who they could be. And it's not like I have anything terrific to say or do anything particularly offensive or exciting. But if I want to say, for example, that my roommate is selfish and sometimes hurts my feelings, I don't want to have to preface that comment with the additional fact that roomie is also a great person with a warm and giving heart. I would hope that roomie already knows i think she's great but this or that bothers me. buuuuut, one can't just say what they're thinking without prefacing it a million times; as i am learning from reader comments or emails.
when I started this blog, I thought I'm funny, I'm going to write it down. I've also been through a lot of good times and just as many rough times and maybe somebody will read what I wrote and not feel so alone in their joy or sorrow. I wanted to use this blog as a journal for me and as a way for me to learn to be more courageous but instead I am writing meanderings of the days as they go by, rarely reflecting on the past or future with worry that I might upset you. and that, is lame.

Slightly Unrelated:

I didn't blog it, but just so you know, my parents are divorced, I have split ends (very badly) and I don't take criticism very well. I'll keep you updated on me with random tidbits like this.

Unrelated:

I wanted to write about my car, Binty again and I also wanted to post a picture of her, but I don't know what I did to my blog settings, but adding a photo is no longer an option. I feel like you just can't get the full effect of my sweet ride, without a clear visual.

Hey Dude, You should know this

So there is this guy I randomly fool around with.... rewooooord! There is this guy I occasionally make out with. I would love to do "more" but he's one of those passive aggressive types and he also doesn't take any initiative, certainly doesn't take charge. ...Ok fine, so we've only gotten together twice and made out; regardless, take charge a bit!
I think he should know that if he doesn't learn where and how to kiss a girl on the neck soon, he will be doomed to a shitty sex life, for life. Like even shittier than mine, because he'll be getting laid once (like I ever do... that's beside the point) and then these girls will never talk to him again and he won't know why.

And don't you guys know that girls have code for things, that we know you understand, so we don't need you to repeat them in more direct terms?
Like, you're getting all hot and heavy and the girl says, "I just don't feel like it" Umm.. obviously she feels like it!.. And we know you know what that means. I mean it's not like she wasn't already participating... you don't have to say, "Oh, you got you're rag huh?" And don't say 'rag'- it's disgusting.

When a girl says anything like "I need to go get my nails done, or I have to shave, or do my eyebrows or get waxed, or freshen my hair cut " do not respond with 'yeah, I noticed'. Inappropriate. Also slightly hurtful, that you noticed we're flawed and perhaps were staring at it, or thinking something about self-care. We just pointed out to you that we need to do some maintenance so give us a minute to do it and go with silence on these comments- it's golden. Besides, how many of those chores listed do you have to do on a daily, weekly, monthly basis? Backup! :)

When you're complimenting a girl, please don't insult her friends/sisters/mother. "You're way prettier than your friend".... Ummm.. Thanks?

Also. Spanx. Those are a girls secret weapon. So should you get a lady into bed and she's got some spanks on, pretend like you don't notice them while she peels them off; they're humiliating enough.
That guy I referred to before, grabbed my ass one day while we were stealing a kiss and he said, "you want to come over later?" and I replied, "mmmm, maybe, but I'm not sure I feel like it." He looked at me for a second and started to walk away, turned back and said, "by the way, your ass feels great! I can tell you've been working out."

Ummm... I haven't been to the gym in almost two years (yikes!!) and does that mean my ass was squishy to you before? - I had also just so happened to be wearing spanks that day because my 'rag' was due and I was feeling bloated.

I just thought I'd share that with you because I chuckle about these moments all the time... Might as well laugh at it; better than crying!

Adele

I want to make music like this:

http://www.adele.tv/news/168/watch-adele-on-later-with-jools-holland?ref=nf

And music like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2B50RUXbs-8

And like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ5BXfXUYwM&feature=related

I need to figure it out. Join a band or get a vocal coach. and Try harder.

Because I refuse to not live my dream.

Unless that dream is me feeling it's absolutely necessary to wear a specific shirt or else I'll freeze to death and putting that shirt on despite an epic battle with the hanger and belt.
And then waking up in that shirt. Confused. That was a dream I didn't need to live.
Damn sleep walking.

Unrelated:

I have an interview at Real Sports on Wednesday!!! YAAY

Irony

Yesterday roomie took advantage of me and me made me angry that I let it happen and it hurt that she would do it in light of recent conversations her and I have had.

It's over now.

Unrelated:

http://owni.eu/2010/11/08/top-48-ads-that-would-never-be-allowed-today/?ref=nf

Check that out. Amazing. I particularly enjoy the babies wrapped in cellophane and all the sexiest woman ads- especially "Blow in her face and she'll follow you anywhere" and the carpet ad.

I have questions

Annoyingly, an alarm went off on my phone today reminding me it was NBA's birthday today.

Unrelated:

Do you have a friend that you hardly ever see but when you do see them it's like no time has past? You catch up and talk about the current tense and plans for the future as you both realize that being upset over the time that's passed since your last encounter is unproductive. And all of the times you meant to call them or pop by for a visit, or vice versa, are forgotten about; never mentioned and certainly nobody gets upset because they feel they've put in more effort than you.
Because it would be ridiculous to hold over your friends head the fact that they are busy or broke or have other friends besides you. Because all that would do is piss you off. Because if you're friend needs you that badly, why didn't they call you in their time of need rather than bringing it up when you do see each other. Because you're a great friend and a great person, but not the best mind reader. And if you really wanted to keep a tally of "friend effort" you'd be sure that you could concoct a list equally as long as your friends list of complaints.

I have a friend or two like that. It's annoying. And sparks disinterest.

I ironically flipped open a page in "don't sweat the small stuff" and that page was about not keeping lists of who does what or who doesn't do what and rather than making a list of the things that you do to help out, why don't you just do what you can to help because it will make you feel good and know that your friend or partner is doing the same; it will make your heart lighter.

Dear Friend Who has Recently Nagged Me,

I do what I can to see you when I can and sometimes life doesn't work out because we're busy people. If you feel like I'm not giving you enough, why don't you make a decision about how you would like to be treated and your expectations of those around you and if I don't measure up, why don't you make a healthy choice for yourself and let me go? Rather than pushing me away. Because the more time that passes between our visits, the more anxiety I have about seeing you because I'm afraid of how much trouble I'm going to get in. I will do the same for myself.
Just sayin'.

Always yours,

Bobbi



Unrelated:

I'm am fully prepared for the world to hate me after I ask this. But I ask with the best intentions and the most open of mind and because I couldn't find any legitimate articles online that have actually researched homosexual choices regarding dress.
I wonder, if a gay man finds men attractive, why would that man dress femininely and if a gay woman finds woman attractive, why does that woman dress more masculinely? Right? Because a woman that is attracted to women would be attracted to a woman who looks like a woman right?
I wonder if it's a fashion preference or an environmental or genetic response.
I wonder this because people find some styles more attractive than others and in my experience straight men are typically drawn towards good looking woman who dress well, and most men love to see the curves of a womans body. Straight women like to see good looking men who bathe and shave daily. So my rational is if I was dating a woman, I would want to see her dressed femininely. Although I suppose I do enjoy seeing a well manicured manly man in sweat pants and a tank top. yum. So does that mean it isn't just about style and choice? Woman who cut their hair and wear mens clothes but are attracted to woman dress that way because they're comfortable?
I just wondered.

Opportunist

I need to work on being one of those people maybe.

I think another way to describe an opportunist would be 'one who takes advantage' either of the moment... or another person.

I think the line where you heed an opportunity and where you start taking advantage of people is fine and usually missed.

I need to work on taking advantage of situations. I can confidently say that I do not take advantage of people.

I just read what I've written so far, out loud to Mama. She said, "the world would be a better place if there were more people like you in it- I'm not corrupting you am I? It's just that the reality is nobody cares about you and they will take advantage of you and you need to know that"

My parents tell me that too. So does roomie. Said with the kindest intent always; because the people who remind you of the worlds realities are not opportunists. Not with me anyway... and hopefully never on purpose.

Unrelated:

My sister, Mama and I had a lovely time together. We went to Maison (got in for free... Thanks Daniel!!) and then to Cheval where we also got in for free (thanks Earl!!) and danced the night away!


Good tiiimes.

Love my sister.

Now... I'm supposed to go to some stupid party for people I think are shallow opportunists and I think I would be compromising my character to go and support those lame asses. Buuuut, Mama wants to go and I suppose one could argue that I should go as her friend. Someone else may argue that Mama shouldn't ask me to go if she's my friend too. Lame. I already committed.

I think I'm starting to get stressed about not finding a job and am taking it out on everything and everyone else I'm around... Which just happens to be Mama.

Brian Bailey

I spent a lovely day in my acting class, guided by Marvin Hinz at the ProActors Lab, then went from there to St. Catherines where I did makeup for a few hours as a spokes person for Brian Bailey's makeup line (it is amazing. You can find it at http://www.theshoppingchannel.com/category/beauty/makeup.do?e=1&N=100040+126638 or http://www.beautyneversleeps.com/).
And while I was at the makeup show, the producer let me know that they love working with me and would like for me to be more involved!!!!
I proceeded to race back to Toronto for an audition that my agent had me on standby for all day but couldn't secure me into.. he "forgot" to tell me. He doesn't even have my updated resume.
So annoying.
I'm going to sign with Jana Abrams the second I get my copy of my new headshots (being taken on Friday) by Chris Frampton. I am SO excited.
I hope Jana and I can open up all new avenues for me and my career!!! And since I remain jobless, hopefully I'll be sent out on every audition opportunity and I will book them all!!!

I was just talking to Roomie and she was telling me about how this guy is telling her not to judge him... And I thought to myself I can judge your book by it's cover because I know it has no pages in it...

Tomorrow is going to be another lovely day. I'm going to sleep in, memorize some lines and go and nail an audition. Then I'm going to apply at Real Sports Bar and Grill and land a job as a bartender.
I will follow those successes by purchasing stamps and computer paper, doing laundry and napping, preparing some headshots and resumes to send away to Port Hope Theatre and where ever else I can think of and then I will pick up my lovely and gorgeous little sister from the bus station.
We will come back to my apartment and sip on baileys while getting ready to go out for the night; Mama will accompany us.
Friday I will take my sister shopping and return her to her lover and go to bed really early as I have a Harry Potter Screening Saturday morning, then a short film shoot in Whitby (hopefully Binty is feeling up to it!) and finally work at Rehab nightclub in Oakville (come visit me on Atrium bar!).

And then I'm going to go to bed again.

If you don't hear from me... that is why!!!!

Lame

Obviously roomie doesn't read my blog... as she did not know that I actually took the personality test I wrote about a week or so ago. She tried to get me to take it under the guise of a sweetly proposed question.

Slightly Unrelated:

Have you ever made a friend or gone on a date with someone and all they talked about was themselves? And not stories, because a well told story about ones' life is interesting... I mean like, only talked about the other people they've dated, how much fun they had doing something that one time and how if you're lucky you can do it too, all of their new years celebrations, how much money they make, the car they drive, their workout routine (or lack there of) and the length and quality of their hair... There are a lot of people like that in this great city of Toronto. A lot. Girls and guys alike. And the only question they ever ask you is your "number" or what you're going to be once you get a real job.

It's exhausting. Especially when I'm trying so damn hard to be perfect at me. Which in itself makes me flawed, one should really embrace imperfection.

Unrelated:

Last week's episode of Glee was really good... except when Mr. Schuster kissed the football coach just so she could experience a kiss. Really INAPPROPRIATE. Totally went against the point of the episode too; doing what makes you feel good on the inside and being considerate of others and their feelings. Well! Let's just go around passing out kisses to those we think should've had a first kiss by now. And while we're at it, maybe we can give out a paycheck to people who should've had a job by now and perhaps even strawberries to babies.. bc something so sweet shouldn't be kept from anyone's lips, even if strawberries are toxic to those kids in swaddling clothes. Just sayin.

Unrelated:

Go ahead, ask me how my job hunt was. Because I went out and came home. Worst migraine. Which is finally dying down... 9 hours and a toxic amount of Excedrine later.

Going... tomorrow. sheesh.

Just say it

I know it can be awkward for some people to say how they feel; but it's just me. So you can say it... "I missed you"

I've been undercover. That's all I can say.

I can say that not all folks are afraid to say how they feel... NBA told me he was over me, or was it done with me?.. via bbm. mid convo. and then deleted me. I have no idea why. I tried to be nice and holler at him but I got nothing; it was lame enough that I called someone who shook me off like that. so lame. next!!

yes...
because I have a long line of men just dying to be with me. well, whatever.

I'm just going to keep doing me and at worst I'll be happy single for a while longer right?!

I've been chatting with Mama a lot. She says things like "grip" for a suitcase with no wheels, or 'crackin' or 'a minute'. I find it amusing.
We both want to go on a vacay but she has a job she can't take time off of and I don't have a job so can't go away!
She had suggested we go to Jamaica for a minute when we both can get away.
I didn't know that 'minute' meant a short while. I told her I'd want to go for at least 96 hours and maybe see some family, maybe 7 days? She mocked me.

Did you know the gangsta' term for Minute? or Grips? Or Crackin? or Peep This?(I'm trying to think of other words I've learned... not that Mama is a gangster, she's very smart actually) Or Whack? People actually say that.

...I didn't think so!

I have to get up early and look for jobs. Wish me luck! I hate doing it! :S

I will HIT you later (Gangsta for 'message or talk to you later')!
Oh I also learned that talking on the phone is so out of date even when it comes to dating or 'talking' to a guy. Pfff. If you want to take me out, you had better CALL me and ask. Or I will hit you. lol

Chicago

Did you miss me?

I'm taking a little vacay in Chicago. I slept last night away...

Today I'm going to wander through downtown, MAYBE catch a basketball game and go out to a bar.

I also have to buy a poppy. I took mine off my jacket before heading to the airport, knowing they would confiscate it claiming the poppy needle is a weapon. Well Happy Rememberance Day to you too!

I will give you details when time permits or when I return!!

Proof

How cute is this human? It's my nephew. Good work sister... well made.

I don't have anything to talk about

Remember when you were a kid and some other stupid kid would come up to you and say, "I know something you don't know!!"? And you would either play it cool like you didn't care and hope that they'd just spit it out or ask them what they know...?And in the end, what they knew was something you didn't care about ("Tommy peeled the tape off the gym hockey sticks") or something you already knew ("we don't have school tomorrow!" ummm duh.. it's Saturday you stupid attention seeking twit). 


Well, to one of my readers, "I know something you know but you don't know I know it!! And I'm annoyed about it! But I love you."

Unrelated.

I just spent 20minutes stalking NBA (perfectly normal right? You'd google me if you knew there were going to be results... wouldn't you?) and his work mates online only to find out that since I've met him he's done a few really cute charity things but didn't tell me anything about it his volunteering. And he invited me to a game the other day (not a home game... suspicious) and hasn't talked to me since the invite. He doesn't ask me any questions about me... which frankly takes far too long because i talk far too much and he's far too busy to listen, so hence not asking in case he has to run when we're chatting, but he doesn't know I talk this much because he doesn't ask any questions so he doesn't really get cut a break on that... and I don't ask him a lot about him.. because I'm trying to be cool (I'm not cool, for the record, I'm very awkward. col) and remember that everybody asks him about him all the time and maybe he doesn't want to talk about him...? And since being cool isn't working for me, I also tried asking him lots of questions but the answers were short.. bc we chat via mobile typing and he takes forever to respond meaning he's either busy or just doesn't bother to answer until he has nothing better to do. And I think he's tried to show off his mula to me and I found it funny and he did not find my responses funny. I mean it would be nice to have some money, or even no debt, but I find what he does with himself despite the money way more impressive than what he's capable of buying himself... Obviously, if you got some extra cash, buy yourself some nice things... but I like the charity work...
I hope he doesn't read this... because this could be our laaaaasst convo right here. See? Awkward! lol

Related:

I was supposed to go on a date today, and I knew the guy would cancel because he told me when he was drunk that he finds me intimidating (he's a friend of a friend, and has been asking me out for months; I finally said yes) but intriguing... (lame) and around lunch he TEXTED me to ask if we could rain check tonights date to Thursday or Friday. I replied "sure" knowing that I have previously booked myself in with friends and family on those days and would be unable to make a Thursday or Friday anything. He didn't respond anyway.

Unrelated:

Everyday I think about hitting the gym or going for a walk, but I never do it. I'm going to try tomorrow, to be less lazy anyway. Maybe I can walk downtown with my resumes in tow and apply for jobs as I go... I probably won't do that. Especially since my Ma's coming to visit me (yay!) and I'd rather do laundry and get groceries so my apartment is ready for when she gets here. We're going on a bus tour of the city, a subway ride to downtown and drinks at YukYuks. Good day.

And that is the high note on which I will wrap this extremely titillating blog up.

Oops

I may have misnamed Stray...

Her name is ***. She's 24. She's Israeli, speaks 3 languages and understands Spanish very well. She's not worried about 5 years from now. She's in love and misses her boyfriend, Mark, who has been sending her money to live on as she has been working for her brother in-law for free. Her family doesn't support her loving Mark because he's not wealthy. Any money she's been able to earn on her own she send back home to her mother. She's leaving on Wednesday to move to Ottawa to work for an Israeli family for cheap and they will house her until she interviews for her American tourist visa in December. She is completely alone and she is not giving up.
I'll call her Lost Girl.

Binty

It's very awkward with the stray just chilling in the living room not doing anything... but ... well...I mean what is she going to do?... Preferably not sush me when she's on skype. How could I know you're on Skype.. no one is saying anything? 
Did I tell you why she's here? Long story short: Brother in law kicked her out of his home bc if stray wasn't working for him then she can't live there and she gets treated badly at his work (tell me about it!)... up for a US tourist visa Dec 8th so she can move in with her lover in the US.. who would be happy to come here but his job pays well... hoping to find a job where she can work and live in until she gets a visa.
I really do feel bad for her. Also for my mom who will be seeing my apartment for the first time with a stray in it. But mostly for the stray, who is sitting in the living room quietly crying.
Roomie hasn't been home all weekend. She completely left this poor girl. And I want to scream at her.

...

I just went and gave her a glass of wine and a hug.

...

Unrelated:

The blinkers in Binty seem to be only working when she's cold this winter... it makes no sense. And is unlike every other winter where the blinkers only worked when the car was hot. *sigh* So not that I have indoor parking, the car isn't cold enough or warm enough for the blinkers to work...
I care to win the lotto.

Strays and Personalities

Roomie took in a stray human. Well, stray to me. And Roomie has only known her for a month. Turns out Stray is incredibly kind and is stuck between being an independant girl and a religious Israeli. She went with independence..., which came at the cost of her home and her job. She starts a new one in a week or so, so she's crashing on the sofa until then. 
Stray does the dishes; it's nice.


Unrelated:
Does it make me an alcoholic if I was going to write in my blog and go to bed but decided I want a glass of wine with that blog? It IS 4:30am... technically 5:30am since the clocks went back...


Unrelated:
Roomie was telling me about this great personality test she took on line (http://www.kwml.com) and how the personalities are grouped into titles like warrior or king. It takes 15minutes. I'm going to do it right now.... as soon as I put my pjs on and get out of these stupid bartending clothes. Please. Don't let the suspense kill you.


5 minutes later....


I'm 46.2% Warrior, 38.5% Lover, and 15.4% Magician


(no Queen here..?)


WARRIOR

STRENGTHS

• Confident
• Focused
• Independent

WEAKNESSES

• Harsh
• Impulsive
• Insensitive

WARRIOR NOTABLES

Russell Crowe, Gwen Stefani, Dick Cheney, Margaret Thatcher, Madonna, Demi Moore, Rob Zombie, Carl Lewis, Pink, Venus Williams, Donald Rumsfeld, Oprah, Teddy Roosevelt, Jack Welch, Justin Timberlake, Jennifer Lopez, Hugh Hefner, Miranda (Sex and the City)

Confident, competitive, and analytical, you are a fierce and steady protector of your friends, family, and all things you hold dear. You're extremely ambitious, targeted, and determined—almost to a fault of being self-centered—and are an undeniable force of industriousness.

While you're logical, orderly, and respect the rules like the King and Queen, you're much more assertive and always ready to dive into action or conflict. Because you prefer to be somewhat isolated, you tend to have few very good friends, but these friends definitely count on you whenever there's a task to be done with precision.

---

Location on the cognitive-emotional spectrum
Located in the lower left quadrant of this spectrum, your personality reflects your strong emotional sense of confidence. Your style of thinking tends to be more left-brained— logical, sequential, rational, and objective.

---

Attractions
Located on the other end of the spectrum, your perfect opposite is a nurturing and creative Lover.

---

Quick read
To find out if someone is a Lover, get their attention by speaking softly and touching them lightly, perhaps on the shoulder. Then say "I can tell you have a lot of feelings and stories to share. Can you tell me one?" If they light up and respond to your emotional sensitivity, you have found a Lover. You've also given that person exactly the positive emotional energy they need.

---

Advice
"Give up the battle to win the war:" Dare to be occasionally weak to be seen as "real" to others and find that enemies can become friends if you let them have a bit of the power.

Umm...Can we just talk about the "Quick Read"?.. Because if someone came up to me and whispered "I can tell  you have a lot of feelings to share, can you tell me one?" while gently touching me, I'd bag them and run before they put me in the back of their rape van with all of the other 26 year olds that look like they're 17... just sayin'. And if that is your advice KWML, I will be single forever.

Also, if I'm 38.5% lover, and the opposite end of the spectrum is my lover match, doesn't that mean that lover is not my match? Just sayin.. the lover type seems kind needy and a little weak and I would just like to say that I write (youuuu'rrrre reading it!) and write poetry and I make people laugh (it's my thing). So wait.. my love match is kind of like me but way more "intuned"?.. Aren't those people annoying? I don't get it. Still going to be single forever.

And while they summary of moi was kind of accurate, it was a 1/4 chance so it's not that amazing of a test....

But for your information:

Like the greatest rulers in history, Kings and Queens bring people together with knowledge and nurturing

Protective, orderly, and wise, Kings and Queens are disciplined leaders and excellent advisors who like to make and play by the rules. While they prefer to oversee and issue commands without necessarily being the ones to carry them out, they're also very compassionate and nurturing—sometimes to a fault of being passive. Lovers of learning characterized by wisdom, Kings and Queens enjoy giving advice and others often seek it from them.

At their best within the confines of their own "castle," Kings and Queens prefer that which is safe, secure, and known. No surprise then that they're most comfortable interacting one-on-one with those they love or want to know better, and that their confidence looses steam in new situations.

At the center of celebration and spectacle, Magicians inspire us with confidence and delight

Creative, adventurous, and energetic, Magicians are the life of the party and people are naturally drawn to their spirit and confidence. They often inspire awe with their magical ability to multitask and exercise "street smarts." Not only do they dream big, Magicians actually make those dreams happen. Because they're naturals at making things happen that would seem impossible to most others, Magicians do especially well in performance and sales roles.

While Magicians are full of emotional confidence like the Warrior, they're much more outgoing and outlandish, which often puts them at the center of celebration and spectacle.

With a gift for art and mystery, Lovers share a deeper meaning and vision of the world

Creative, intuitive, and deeply caring, Lover's minds and spirits are open and capable of expressing deep meaning in the world. They represent the artists and idealists of society—the romantics, the insightful poets and writers, the musicians and painters, the fools who make us laugh with joy—and their gifts of art and mystery resonate powerfully.

While nurturing like Kings and Queens, and artistic like Magicians, Lovers sometimes lack the ability to speak up and stand their ground, and have a tendency to be passive and introverted.

I QUUUIT!

It's a long story...

But the short is this.

So last Friday i have a random meeting with HR (we’ll call her Mira), which i thought nothing of because the Front Office is longer allowed to hold meetings with staff without HR present because they break protocol and fuck up and mistreat staff (i’m so enraged and stressed I want to supier type but i have ‘nails’ bc of the stupid job requesting it.. grrr).

So I worked, Saturady Sunday and Monday… And Friday was awkward bc my direct boss, let’s call  her Chef, was very childish after our meeting.

Our meeting involved me and Chef and her boss, let’s call him Say (baahaha). They presented to HR that I was being ridiculous and impossible to schedule because at least once a month I want time off. Mira : So… why does Bobbi keep requesting it? BC THEY WON’T GIVE IT TO ME!!! I think i’ve told you this.

Meeting ends with management getting their made up lieu days taken away because they, like the rest of the world have to earn them. Well imagine that doesn’t strike the “i love bobbi” bell. No ringing occurs.

Say bbms me (after me telling him to not bbm me for work, fucking call me, we’re not friends) asking me to come into to work for 2:30pm. I start at 4pm. With no explanation as to why I still went  to work for 2:30, but didn’t get suited and punched in until 2:45pm. Turns out I missed another HR meeting. So I was sent home for no reason.

WELL, inquiring minds want to know. I’m told that I can’t work until I meet with Mira regarding what’s best for the hotel.

Did i mention that i was the best front desk agent until i was promoted to concierge? Or that I have 2 weeks left until my concierge probation is done. Did i mention the chef is my boss, who is the hotels directors best friend and she thinks i don’t do enough administratively (uuumm.. I do customer service not date entry unless time permits)? Did i mention i still do both jobs and about 50 hours a week? Did i mention that guests request me, write about me and love me? Did i mention that i’m only allowed to work evenings because i’m too pretty to just work days? Their words, not mine.

5pm today:

Mira Say and I.

Say told me he thinks the best fit for me and the hotel operations is for me to move back to front desk. Mira asked I felt about that. I said, not good because people treat those girls like shit and no management supports them. Because what i’ve done in 2.5 months for the hotel the chef hasn’t done in 6months since we opened and because i know you’re demoting me rather than giving me the extra day off i keep requesting.

Say told me it’s not like that and the connections i’ve built won’t go to waste because now that there is no evening or weekend concierge i can use those connections from the front desk because the front desk will have to cover the concierge. I laughed. So did Mira.

I said no. Mire said, “bobbi by not working at the front desk, the only offer is nothing”

I said, “So another way to word that would be, I quit.”

Silence.

Say asked me to work till the schedule ends tomorrow  and I said yes… and then realized there’s only some much ware a mat can take till it gets worn and caught in the door. So I said, never mind, I quit right now.

Mira said that she sees what is ‘happening’ and will pay me, even though when a person resigns that’s it. She’s paying me for the time they took from me this week and next week.

Accounting hugged me, Housekeeping and banquets offered me references as well as 2 front office managers and  Say wants to “talk”.

I feel wasted and used up. I feel like i’ve just planned an epic anniversary party for my love and he showed up anware it was our anniversary with a cheating secret in his back pocket. Bc that’s happened too.

And stupid NBA is my bbm buddy and he’s reading my status trying to keep up with whatever asking what’s up and saying : i’m here love. I’m not your fucking love. I’m some broad you think will follow you around the globe and fuck you and be some stupid arm candy.

I’m really smart. And i’m honest. And i’m a hard worker. And i’m incredibly caring. And i will give you whatever you need and at least whatever you want. I’m just asking that for once you give that back to me. Whoever you are.

I’m burnt out.  And i’m crying over this damn laptop alone pretending like, to all of you, that this is okay. But what the fuck am i going to do?

The club i bartend at said they’d give me my shifts back, which will cover my expenses. But that’s not enough bobbi!! People don’t live on pride and expectations of something better. We live on money and the people we know. And i’ve spent 25 years living on with and off of my family. Lord knows they love they have for me doesn’t translate to dollars bills, or else we’d all be rich.

Fucking Mama is bbming telling me to get my shit together, that this is a pot hole and to dry my eyes and that i’m better than what i’ve left behind. My dad doesn't let me cry either. Damn you Mama.SWEAT. Blood. Tears; no the opposite he says- so sometimes I cry anyways.

Everyone (at the hotel) thinks they’ll call me back.

My real Mama doesn’t know; no one in my family does...But she reads my blog. I didn’t want to tell you this way Mom, but you read this and i appreciate that. I love you! And i’m good. I didn’t have two jobs all this time for fun! I’ll just have to cut back on saving for now; but i’m good and thank you for all of your support. I'll see you Tuesday; can;t wait

<3