Wolves.

A wise man said: "My son, there's a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."
The grandson thought about this for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

There's something wrong with me....

Have you ever watched a competition or watched someone get a reward and in your head your mumbling to yourself well if i'd had a shot at it i would've done better than that or someone's telling you about some victory they've had and you think pfff if that's how you faired i know i'd do even better.

Does that make me evil? I mean for the most part I think it's funny- funny that I think that, that is... but I do it a lot- not giving people enough credit. I usually just say what I'm thinking out loud, it avoids future guilt- because it's not like it's super evil. For example, I'll go shopping with a girlfriend and she'll try on an adorable dress she saw before I did and it looks good on her but it would look great on me... so I say, "Let me know if you're going to get that or not so I can try it on, I think it will look great on me."
Is that evil? Because it's not that you don't look good... and I would never put someone else down...Are my friends reading this and recapping all of our shopping trips together!? ugh. I didn't say I ALWAYS think that- it was just an example!

So my Grandpa was a carpenter and when we were young he bought my siblings and I a scroll saw for Christmas. I was lucky enough to have shop class growing up too. So I made things. Shelves, garbage cans ect. I used to sand the wood down so it was pillow soft to the touch. In class we used to have to make up the drafts as well; tedious but important work.
Soooo... When we moved into our current location, I selected the dining room to decorate and couldn't find a table small enough to fit the room. So based on a table that was way too small that was given me, I thought of getting a barndoor like table- something thick and rustic looking. I was taken to this one shop by The Guy I Guess I'm Dating and they had restored these old barn doors ect but they were super expensive- like small tables without legs for 1000$- a table that sat 6 was around 3000$.
So we left the store with me mumbling about how hungry I was, I'd just found out my credit card had been frauded (yeah) and how I could just make the tables myself.
Later that week I went to Homehardware to buy the supplies- it took several trips to find a location with quality service AND supplies but when I did find one I got all of my stuff and....
Dropped it off at The Guy I Guess I'm Dating's house. I live in a tiny condo. I don't have a saw any more or a sander or woodclamps, just a measuring tape. He had offered to do it for me so I said yes.
It annoyed me deeply by how long it took- but the guy has a full time job and a billion friends, plus he's trying to date me... his life's busy. It also annoyed me when he would make other suggestions for the design; isn't part of designing something because you've designed it exactly as you want it?
Turns out the stain I'd selected was too red, I'm glad he caught that on a piece of "sample wood". about 5 weeks later the table was done, and in my condo. I had ordered the table lags from California. Then I waited another month to put the table legs on. I felt bad for The Guy I Guess I'm Dating because he'd done so much work on the table already and had to have surgery- so I left the legs off and he came by the other day to complete his 'man work'. I cringed watching him do it.
I thought I was cringing because of the way he was doing it- the table was flipped upside down on the floor and he sat on it....- but a few days later I've discovered I'm cringing because I didn't do the whole thing myself.
People see the table and think it's beautiful- because it is. My mom had offered to do the table as well, as she has a wide range of power tools and the scroll saw. If I'd let her (she's even busier then The Guy I Guess I'm Dating) then I would've been able to help and felt some pride towards the table.

So now The Guy I Guess I'm Dating wants to change the table legs (aka not order in wrought iron table legs from Cali but use wooden legs he can make) and make a slight other change to the table. And so he should, he's an artist with the time (currently) and resources to make several tables a month and sell them for a fraction of the price of that over priced store we'd looked in; he stands to gain a lot.

Today The Guy I Guess I'm Seeing suggested a name for the table and I suggested he name it after me, being that the table idea WAS mine.  I'm not sure if he agreed or if the whole (bbm) conversation was had in laughter...

Regardless, every time I look at the table or someone compliments it I like it a little bit less because all I'm thinking is pfff I could've done that. and in half the time"
Does that make me a horrible person?

Sleeping

You know when you're a little grumpy and everything bugs you a little more than it should- if at all? That's me today.

I'm getting my mortgage license and people in class ask questions like, "where do I find the equals button on the calculator?" or "rather than compounding interest semi-annually, why not just decrease the principle?" I want to slap them all but I was raised on the philosophy that violence is never the answer. *sigh*

Our place is a mess and it can't seem to be kept anything other than messy- I've given up. It's a condo so it's always dusty. Plus things are all pulled apart for painting or refurbishing ect- it's a cluster fuck.

I am wondering today where the line is drawn when it comes to making yourself happy, and how you know when you've gone too far beyond it or not close enough.
How do you know when it makes sense to put one thing ahead of the other. What if peace of mind and happiness can't always co-exist?

If I have fewer friends, or lower expectations or stay single, I have fewer people to please or disappoint, including myself and could potentially have things my way all of the time- which is how I like things. Sometimes having my way is doing things your way, unless you can't decide what that is and then I want things my way again wherein I would rather be free of your company so I can make my own independant decisions concerning only me.

Which leads me to wonder if I'll ever be capable of actually executing those sorts of selfish decisions- because I never do and often get myself stuck a little deep in situations I don't want to be in, or should've known better than getting into.

So my other concern is how do I stop doing that? Or start being a little bit more selfish. And then I wonder where the "selfish" line is... which leads to a whole new thought process...

And finally I end up realizing that getting 4 hours sleep 2 nights in a row, and then 2 nights of 6 hours of sleep doesn't look good on me and makes me wonder too much.
But, am I wondering these things because they need to be wondered or am I wondering them because I'm so tired that every little thing is bugging me just a little bit more than usual?

Bucket List

yes. my brilliant blog title probably gave it away- but I did indeed just watch The Bucket List. Brilliant
I've had it since it came out and this is the second time I've watched it. Bc it's so sad I can't handle it- that crazy mix of death and happiness, facing your mortality and appreciating the life you've had and the life you have left to live.
I've been grumpy lately- but I didn't think I was. I'm really glad that this was one of the few movies I had to choose from and that I chose it.
Bc the refresher was needed. and nice. to say the least.

Can you measure yourself by the people that measure themselves by you?
Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?

What goes up, must come down, but don't let me fall.

Anybody who's ever loved Somebody knows that they would do anything for that body, even trade places. Even in a life lived into its golden ages. When you watch that body suffer, attached to its mind, you know you would rather be in their place then watch them be displaced or disgraced by pain or humiliation or whatever million acts the body can infect itself with. 

And since we can't, we talk to Whoever we all talk to wishing for the best, hoping like you haven't before and believing that if it could be you instead it would be easier for everyone. Because then its you suffering and not that other body and you can handle what ever comes, even if it's Whoever. 

And that never works.

So you watch and you wait and you pretend like you're not tired and you're not worried and like everything is going to be okay and sometimes you get a little angry but mostly you're a lot sad. But you don't tell. Because you're the Somebody and not that unlucky Body and that just wouldn't be fair; it certainly wouldn't be right.

Of course Sadness and Anger fit well into wine bottles- which sometimes follow you into the shower and their glasses follow  you to bed and greet you in the morning. Good. Morning.

And then the guilt for the anger and the sadness wins, ties actually with Selfishness (but that could be Guilt or Mourning in disguise) and sleep goes down the drain, recycled like the wine bottles. 

So you buck up and do what you have to do because you want to. And because you should. 

And because if you're Anybody who's loved Somebody and you've made that wish for it to be you instead and it does come true, you'd want that Anybody to be there for you. 

Only.You wouldn't want them to tell you any of this. 

And you certainly wouldn't want them to make that wish.

In loving memory of...

Mrs. Barbara Bauer-Maison and Grandpa

And of all of those who are Somebody and Anybody

Kat, Tym, Daddy, Mom, Sister

And Everyone else who's afraid or doesn't know how to be Somebody

Happy St. Patty's day!!!

I believe that life is a prize, but to live doesn't mean your alive- in this very moment I'm king- No, I'm not lucky I'm blessed, yes. But I couldn't do it all alone, we- we done did every thing they can think of... Greatness is what we on the brink of. I'm really tryin to make it more that what it is, cause everybody dies but not everybody lives. I wish I could have this moment for life, cause in this moment I just feel so alive.

Just sayin. Or cutting down what Nicki and Drake said so well

Horoscope for the rest of your days

I believe that believing you're fated for something great or something challenging that you can overcome, changes your destiny.

I'm writing a birthday card for a friend, and I looked up his horoscope and then had this random thought that I'd be out to dinner with him and his friends and his girlfriend gave me a speech about how horoscopes are crap because we shape our own futures which, in this thought, I found very annoying because it sparked a livley conversation about controlling your own destiny and the convo was driven by everyone else assumption that I don't believe we have control because I believe in horoscopes.
And that thought led me to thinking up my opening sentence, which I had to share because it reminds me of my thoughts and questions about god and faith- and furthers my argument that it's our belief in something greater, even if it's inside of yourself, that ties us all together, not necessarily what that god is or represents, or if one even exists. 

taxes

Is it so much to ask? Is it...? All I want is correct and TIMELY receipts for my purchases this year.

I finally got my rent receipt. It is short about $1100. Still haven't gotten my stupid head shot receipt. I even complained to the Better Business Bureau- but that all that prompted was annoying emails from the stupid photographer calling me crazy. Who takes 4 months to give someone a receipt?!?!?!
I know that if I shorted someone on their receipt, service or money or wasn't prompt or professional about it, I would get caught and get in shit.

Obviously none of these fuckers have ever been audited. Well I have. And it's not pleasant. So I require the exact amount on all of my receipts, properly dated and signed and what not, delivered to me in a timely manner.

If this is part of being an adult, I quit. I'm never going to grow up. Because it sucks.

Stupid responsibilities.
Pfff.. like I need an extra one, going around fixing these stupid peoples mistakes. 

If this is true....

"Be careful of your thoughts, for your thought become your words.

Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions.

Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits.

Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character.

Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny."

Author unknown

...Then I'll be single for all of eternity but as successful as all hell. SO... let's get the ball rolling on the success part and I'll work on the love bit, cause right now, I feel like the world isn't hearing me. 

Chris Frampton (rot)

So I got headshots done in November by Chris Frampton. A few fellow actors recommended him and the agent I was signing with had actors who used him and they were all pleased. I had a consultation with him and decided to get my headshot done by him.
I paid 100$ more than he advertises but he told me that he'd recently up'd his prices to remain competitive, a very believable argument.
When I went to meet him at his studio/apartment he was very organized and formal.
A few days before I went to get my actual headshots done, he emailed me asking if I could change my time slot for another gig, but I couldn't because I had to work. A few emails back and forth resulted in my time staying as it was. I was a little annoyed but it's no big deal- stuff comes up right?
When I went to his studio on the day, he wasn't there. And I had a bad feeling. My sister and Mama had stayed over the night before and felt that, based on his emails, he was already unprofessional and too expensive.
Don't worry, I didn't go with my gut. :|

I waited about 15 minutes at his studio, only to watch Chris wander home from the local coffee shop!!!! I was so mad, I sat in my car deciding what I wanted to do. The wait list to get in to see other photographers was just as long as his, most of them longer- if I didn't get my headshots done that day, they may not have been ready to go come January when I was ready to start working with my new agent.
I decided to go in. Of course his doorbell didn't work, so I had to email him to get in to his damn place.
Then I went in and the makeup artist he used did a bad job- but in hers and my defense, I thought she had done a good job at the time.
He took several pictures, pretty much all the same, different shirt.
I wrote him a cheque for $480 that I thought covered everything, turned out that I still owed $100 to the makeup artist.
I got my photos about a week later and hated them all except two, but my agent found 7 or so she liked and narrowed it down to 3 that we've been using.
The cheques were cashed within 2 weeks of the shoot. I have been asking since then, November 2010 for my receipt from the shoot so I can do my taxes and Chris responded to me once saying that he was waiting for them to come in, but he'd email it to me.
I've asked him several times since then for the receipt and my new agent even emailed asking for it and he has yet to respond to either of us. I checked the obid's, he's not dead and he wasn't in an accident. And if all he's doing is emailing the damn receipts, the draw one up in Word and friggin email it!!!

I want to report him to whoever you report douche bag business owners to but I can't find him being registered anywhere.

If you're reading this Chris, I hope you never act like this again with anyone else. How would you like it if no one would issue you receipts for all the camera equipment and materials you bought?

And while I'm letting things out...

W hotel, give me my damn money back!!!!

"I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder." - G.K. Chesterton

Tuesday-
I slept in until I had to pee so badly, I got up. Kami came over and brought me coffee even though she wasn't getting one. Then we played Wii fit at her house (yay. I'm 44...), went to a Zomba class then the Pickle Barrel and ate a disgusting amount of food and went and saw I Am # 4 and I realized that I'm getting older and it may be inappropriate for me to stare at these young on screen hotties and came home and began watching all my shows I missed from last week.

Then, read this and got all teared up: http://kokounplugged.blogspot.com/

Don't we all have a lot to be thankful for, and to fight for, and to dream about? Don't we all have so many people to love, so many downs to stand up from, so much life to laugh at?

Thanks for the reminder!

Now I'm going to get back to one of the things I'm thankful for- tv. Just watched the Mentalist from last week... so good. But first I'm going to email my mother back, so she knows I'm thankful for her too.

Automatic Updates and Colin Firth

So... Colin Firth proposed last night. I'm sure that's what he meant to do, when he was giving that acceptance speech. So clever. And funny. Perhaps if I spread rumors, like that he wants to marry me and leave his wife, him and his wife will split, and Colin will seek out the person who started the rumors, discover he adores me and teaches me everything he knows. Perhaps.

Or perhaps my computer will just keep popping up with the reminder that my computer needs to shut down for an automatic update. If computer's are so smart, why, when I had my computer in Standby and then Sleep all day, did it not do the updates- why does it have to wait until I want to use it to update?

Unrelated:

It's March. I totally forgot. I'm kind of annoyed that it's here already. As time is flying, so it seems, without me. Is this what getting older is? Seeing younger girls and boys out doing things you used to do, and wishing you'd done things different or more of some things and less of others, then looking forward at all you have left to give? I don't like it- it's weird. Because I remember my parents saying things like, "When I was your age yaddi yaddi yaddi" and now I've been around long enough to say the same thing. Crazy.

Unrelated:

This incredibly good looking and poised, well dressed manly man was sitting in a booth behind my friends and I at Earls today and he kept elbowing me when he'd reach his arm across the back of the booth to slouch. Turns out he was doing it on purpose to get my attention, according to my male counter part anyway. I did not find it amusing and told the chiseled man such. He said sorry. Aaaaannnd, We are not engaged. 

Morning.

I got out of bed on time because I thought of something interesting to look up online. Then I got up, got my computer going, and forgot what that was. And I've been staring at it hoping to jog my memory. Nothing.

I'm so tired.
I worked yesterday from 1-9:30 as a bartender and waitress. Nothing went right. The head chef told me he was "disappointed in me" when he saw me pick up my garbage but not somebody elses. I suppose I should've picked it up, on a normal day where I'd eaten and actually just been a bartender I would've picked it up, but I think I was seeing spots when I left. Red spots. I was so mad. They tried to force me to stay at work- after working all day, short staffed, with no barback for the first half, seriving tables, the wood and service between two of us, then getting stuck with these girls who are bitchy and one is just not intelligent, a kitchen that ran about 30 minutes behind all day- what am I supposed to do with any of that! I told my boss he could clock me out (a manager has to do it) or I could just walk out; his decision. He clocked me out. Then I ran to my car and cried, wrote my other boss an email, drove home, changed in 10 minutes and went to my other job- wherein I worked for half the amount of time and made a little more money. :|

Ugh. I need to find a job that's lucrative, in the evenings (except Friday and Saturday) and filled with kind, ORGANIZED people.
My one foot really hurts from running around all day in my work shoes. Actually hurts to step on the heel. Perfectly normal right?

Maybe that is why I was going to get up in time... so I could get some insoles. If I'm doing that I'd better go to starbucks as well. 

Happy Birthday's are over, but YAAAAY! thanks!!

Just wrapped up my second, but official birthday party of 2011. I think I will have one every year. My friends need to know my friends.

Only a handful of the people I hold dear to my heart showed- many bailed last minute for sleep or work or because they forgot to show. A few that came were sick or had to work early but they came. And all who promised to show up later after work did not. 

But I had a great time without them. There was a stray who came by- my little sis, which was lovely.

Koko (other bday gal) and I made the rules all night. Lot's of laughter, lot's of food.

My arms are shredded up from my dress, which became all the more apparent from the shower I just had. But I looked cute enough- next year I'll give my wardrobe more effort. 

Missed what I'm talking about?

 I went out for my acutal birthdya on Saturday with a friend to celebrate both of our births, but kept it low key knowing I had tonights event plus FamilyDay coming. Went home after that and saw my family (yay! finally!!) And then...

I threw myself a joint birthday party- the first birthday party since stacey and don slept over in grade seven... or was that  grade 6? And I spent the morning being upset that more than half of my invites bailed with what I felt were cheesy or half truth reasons. In the end, with the exception of few (including my fam), the best friends and people I know and have in the world were there. 

Good night. Even though I made us all go around the circle and get to know each other. Even though I was 10 minutes late. Even though I was hurt by those who didn't show before I was thankful for those who did. Even though the food was salty.

Nope. Great night.

Birthday's are a big deal. Even if you're getting older and you're not ready for it.

Thank you. for being there- and Eli, for thinking of me and, to you who were there before on the day with your wishes and warmth. 

Nail for the Coffin anyone?

Just got this email: 


"From the Creators of Bullet for Adolph:

We would like to thank you very much for auditioning with us. We saw some immensely talented individuals and loved meeting each and every one of you. The show is now cast. If you were not contacted specifically, we would like to thank you for your time and hope to see you again in the future.

Warm regards,

Woody Harrelson and Children @ Play"


It's funny because someone else was concerned I might be getting their part-  my blog tells me this search was used in a lot the last few days: Bullet for Adolf + Callbacks + Bobbi(e)


Anway...
I happened to be talking to my friend Fizz after trying to think positive about not getting this huge opportunity and she said, "Awwww, that just means something bigger is coming along for you. <3"
Love the sentiment and the mentality- now I just have to get there myself so I'm ready, doors and windows open, for when Bigger comes.

Damn

So... Went to the call back for Bullet for Adolf today. The callback was supposed to go from 3pm-7pm. I got there, was partnered up with 2 other girls and we rehearsed- felt great, great chemistry and then last minute was switched to a different group. We got called in, ran the scene one time and when we were done, the casting director, writers and director just stared at us all and then said- ok you can go. Which was scary because it seemed as though other people were running their scenes a few times based on how much time they spent in the auditorium.
People were also getting called in individually to do improv.

So we left the stage, I sat down and the one casting director came out and said to the whole damn room, "Bobbi- you can go" and took my resume out of her pile! :( I just looked at her and said "really?! Wow, that sucks. Ok... Thanks.."
Everyone was looking at me because the CD fully just told me I didn't get a part while telling everyone else that their odds of nailing a part are better. The room went and stayed quiet. I left. It sucked.

Then I came home and wallowed about missing out on such a huge opportunity, went and had a beautiful dinner at my friends house and drove to work in that stupid snow, wherein I got sent home early because it wasn't busy at all. Not the best day.

But a good day none the less- I shot the shit with Woody Harrelson about basketball, was personally greeted by Frankie Hyman and the producer complimented my attire and fist-fived me. Saw some good friends. Made a small amount of quick cash.

If you don't know be by now...

Determination, dedication, motivation
I'm talking to you, my many inspirations
When I say it I can't, let you or self down
If I were on the highest cliff, on the highest rift
And you slipped off the side and clenched on to your life in my grip
I would never, ever let you down


How , could that even be a question.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

Why won't anyone entertain the fact that I'm turning 21? Or 25? My one boss joked about it last night and the new boss believed it because he didn't know any better.
I'm still going to tell everyone I turned 25 today- your 25th birthday is supposed to be epic so, I'm going to make this one epic and then get back to reality next year. maybe.

so last night I was working at the club and this stupid drunk guy wanted more drinks and I said no because it was only 12:10am... way too early to be so drunk. And he kept lurking by the bar and I kept asking him if he was okay- he was. and he was fine with no more drinks.
buuut then he changed his mind and decided he wanted a second drink, which he believed he'd already paid for (hadn't) and when I wouldn't give it to him, he knocked his current drink over, across the bar, all over my damn till and my paper work and started to walk away- but didn't. instead, now that he had the whole bars attention, he spat on me.
And do you know what the next customer said? "When that guy comes back I'm going to buy him a shot."
Thankfully security answered my calls and got rid of the guy. And another bartender (sweetest guy) came and took over my bar.
My boss offered for me to go home. And I was so upset and humiliated, that I took him up on his offer. But then I changed my mind. I decided I'd rather be the person that deals with shit and sticks it out, rather than the person who cries about it and walks away. That's my silver lining to getting spit on. and Humiliated. And enraged.
So pretty good right? I took the high road on my birthday!
But then I got a headache from holding my tears in- and now I have a migraine. And I'm going to audition for Mr.Harrelson for a call back- I'll also find out today if I got a final callback.
That's what I want for my birthday- one of these roles, preferably Jackie.

Anyway! Happy 25th (or whatever) Birthday to MEEEEE!!!!! <3

Major Events in History...

When I was kid I used to pay attention to the papers and the tv, events at school and in the community to see what cool things happened on Feb 19th- my birthday. I remember one year, I was like 7 or 8, Leons was having a big sale. Maybe I was older. But nothing was ever happening.
But this time of year for a birthday sucks. People are just starting to get over their holiday debts, saving for vacations, are bummed out because of the weather, bitter from Valentines day- just kind of burned out in general. This time of year people are looking forward to one thing- summer. Or at least a hint of spring ( I know I am!!).
I thought of that because I'm just watching Criminal Minds Suspect Behaviour on line (should be memorizing lines) and a commercial came on saying that Rona is having a sale this weekend. lol. Something, besides my anniversary, is happening this weekend. It's funny- reminded me of the past. Which is funny.

Slightly Related:
I've had two birthday parties in my life- I won one from CJCS radio and had it at McDonalds and the other a few years after my parents divorced- I believe my 12th birthday.

After that my family couldn't really afford them and I didn't really think much of them. But I'm having 2 this year. One on the 19th, one on the 24th and of course headed home on the 21st for a crazy 24 hours with my family. It's all going to be good.
I'm making my own history. 

Bullet for Adolf

Last 24 hours...

Worked, went to a club, came home at 6am, slept through an aptitude test for a job, woke up, visited my sister and nephew, came home, by which point it's late and I have to come to terms with the reality that I did not book any of the commercials I audition for last week, including the call back.
Oh. Shoot. I forgot to mention the part where I got a call back for Woody Harrelson's play. YAY!
I'm auditioning for 2 characters on my birthday, this Saturday. And call backs for that are the 20th. I plan on making it to the final show... as one of those characters.

So now I'm going to sit down, write some birthday cards before I forget who they're for and look at the sides, as I've booked a coaching session for tomorrow morning at 11am. And I am tired.

Dear Thursday,

I will spend you rehearsing, sleeping, watching tv and eating. Looking forward to you.

Happy Valentines Day!!!

This day needs some defense.

Yes it's a commercial way to beef up retail markets as this time of year is low for spending.
But this day comes shortly after another calendar date: the most depressing day of the year.

Who cares that it's all commercial!!!? It's an excuse to leave work early and spend an extra hour with the people you love- a chance to buy flowers on sale or make a card and give them to your wife or daughter or boyfriend or mom. It's a good day. And you don't have to empty your wallet, DO something sweet like call an extra time to check in on y our lover, go down on your man, leave a love note in your kids lunch box... It's a day for all the slackers of the world who rarely say I love, who never hold doors or make breakfast in bed. It's a day where if you say I LOVE YOU- it's completely cache and totally okay. It's a day for all those wonderful children women and men who show those they love, their love everyday- a day where they can go completely over the top and do something ridiculously wonderful like send them flowers to work with a singing telegram.

Valentines Day is like your birthday- only it's everyone else's birthday at the same time.

I hope you have a wonderful day and that you know you're loved! I hope that not only does someone take a minute to tell you they care about you, but that you do the same for those you love.

<3

Karma

A few weeks ago, I was talking with a girl at work about how so many of the staff are mean and she was saying she can't believe how mean some of them are to me. She decided that I must be mean somewhere else in my life and it's Karma coming back.
That is horrible.
I tried explaining otherwise and she seemed unsure so I gave her my dads theory on Karma- that what goes around comes around, maybe not to you, but maybe to your kids, or your kids kids kids, or someone else you care about. I argued that if I do have bad Karma, maybe it isn't mine. That worked. But in my head I thought- what if someone thinks, for example, I'm a good person, but really I'm not- are they going to get my bad karma one day? *sigh

And tonight again, I was thinking about Karma as I pulled into my buildings parking garage. 11 cars were broken into via smashed back windshields (the most expensive to fix). I got home shortly after the breakins happened, didn't notice a thing and carried on to my apartment. If I had bad Karma, wouldn't I have been home? Or wouldn't I have ran into the perp? Further, does this theory of Karma extend to crime?
Are all those 11 car owners deserving of a break in? The one gentleman who's car was smashed is a God fearing man- shouldn't his frequent visits to confession and gentle demeanor keep only a happy bubble of Karma around him?
My evil car port neighbour who accused me of hitting is car (ridiculous) didn't have his car broken into- if I was going to pick who's cars got smashed, I would pick him. But then again, maybe when he accused me he was just having a bad day and all the days I've seen him since where he ignores me and closes the elevator were just bad moments- maybe he's a good man with generally well intentions. How much good is in his Karma bubble?
And if one has bad karma, does that mean they are a bad person and deserve all the shit they get? The bad runs of luck? The money issues or poor family or no friends, no job, no skills ect? If one has bad karma, doesn't that mean they are ones potentially dolling out bad karma to others? What if they give it to the wrong person?
If karma is real, then does it decide fate? Because I think I'm a good person, I have my flaws and weak moments and I don't like letting people in front of my when I drive, but does that mean I'm destined to have a future filled with mean people and dreams that are always just out of reach?
If Karma was real, then bad people would've never succeed right? Because their Karma would stop them- right? And good people, who work hard and learn from their mistakes and laugh at their bad luck and keep going- those people should succeed by way of  good karma right?
Are karma and fate interchangeable? If so, one could argue that we are not in control of our own destiny, being that there is no one to define 'good' vs 'bad' karma- how would we ever know which we had/were?
If bad karma comes to good people, or bad karma comes to people who give out good karma, then wouldn't it be safer for good people to stay at home and wait it out until it's their turn to get some good karma? Wouldn't that be safer, potentially more fun and likely more rewarding?

I am now confused. About Karma.

I'm still going to role with my idea that good intentions, action, hard work, determination and sometimes a little bit of luck are what make up our future and our present. Karma seems a little too dodgey to rely on- or even think about.

God and I

I was leaving the elevator in my building today and there was a man headed to his car as well. We exchanged howdy-do's and then he said, "yes yes I'm doing much better than I deserve; God is good." I thought that was ridiculous and said, "come now" and he said, "no no, God is great and better than I deserve. Have a blessed day." All said with a smile on his face. 

Of course this interaction brings many things to mind. I don't believe in the bible -or God- the way many people do. 

I believe in the energy of faith and goodwill and that there is something out there that is greater than all of us- even if all that is, is the energy of our positivity and hopeful faith. I don't have blind faith in catholicism's God like this man appeared to, but his faith makes me happy and keeps me faithful to my ideologies. I really believe that some people wouldn't be good if there was no "God"- just think of all the things we people do wrong if we think we won't get caught and therefore there will be no consequences... not even considering the things people do knowing that it's wrong. 

So God is good- and all of our God's our different- and I suppose sometimes those God's are too good to us. I know I'm not grateful enough-I'll work on it.

Sometimes I talk to mine. Like I will tonight- just to say thanks. Sometimes it helps to let it all out into the universe- especially if you believe the universe will respond and are willing to let it (I need to work on that too). 

We all need a little faith-in something.

Good Vibrations.

That's what that neighbour gave to me.

Thanks.

Oh. Hi.

It's crazy how a little vacation changed my routine for almost a week following. I suppose I've only been back for 4 days, but it feels longer.
My friend has recently graduated journalism school and now has her masters and she is doing all kinds of amazing things- writing reports that are aired on cbc almost everyday, making documentaries- always wrapped up in current events. I'm kind-of jealous. I wonder where I would be if I had been more passionate when I was in school- or if I knew where I truly belonged education wise.
Of course we all have to be different but I can honestly say I'm not doing much to contribute to this world, beside feeding the economy by spending more than I make (not really, but it feels like it).
Sometimes I think I should just go to teachers college so I have a backup plan I could love. I adore kids and love coaching and developing them; but is it really fair for me to educate the minds of tomorrow because what I really want to do is a slow and winding road and because I lack direction? I ran this by my other friend- she said teaching is a terrible backup plan- if I want to teach then teach, if I want to go back to school, then go back.
My dream chasing is hard for others to understand. It's also hard for people to understand why I just don't go back to school. Ummm... it's not free!!
I'm going to do this http://business.humber.ca/programs/certificate/canadian-institute-of-management though in the spring semester.
The spring is going to be crazy expensive because I'll be moving and going back to school. I also took a hiatus from acting classes this semester and I hate it. So I'll be doing that again as well.
I need a money tree.
Or to have booked that commercial I audition for yesterday. *sigh

Im back

Miami was great- Exhausting but good. I got sick while I was there, got over it and then sick again.
I landed and went straight to work and feel like I've been working since then.. but I'm so sick. My hands are so dry from washing them all the time- and my nose is red from that cheap tissue I bought.

Headed to bed- I'll fill you in tomorrow!!

Miami

I'm heading to Miami- Ill be about to board the plane this time tomorrow.

Got my nails done, hair done, everything did. Bag has been packed for a week.

I haven't slept yet from work last night, so I'm going to do that now. And then sleep all day until work tonight. and the FLIGHT.

So excited.

Miami. W Hotel South beach. Orlando. Disney World. Constant sunshine. 

Time Goes By...

...And in it, I get bored by myself. And then  I don't have anything to write. 

Because I write down in here what I'm going to do before I do it; and sometimes repetition is boring. And today I'm boring. I looked up some old writing of mine and found most of it boring. And annoying.  I wrote about being broken hearted way to much.

I had written this ABC thingy though and it didn't bore me:

Amidst beauty, caution destroys

Every futile grasp.

Hope is judged, knocked,

Left malignant.

Nobody’s openly passionate;

Quintessentially respectful,

Sincere.

Truth undermines vanity,

While xenotropic youth

Zeitgeist.

Roommates

So my friend Koko is a realestate agent and I asked her if she does rentals with the intention of asking her about helping me to find a great rental for a discount price come July. But she got really excited because she wants to move too and we somehow ended up talking about being roommates.
And I left the conversation excited with a sick feeling in my stomach- that maybe moving in with her would be a bad idea, especially since I really want to live alone.
She came over a few days later and was showing me rentals in her database and had to enter the requirements of the space to search. She turned to me and said, "this won't work if we don't have 2 washrooms. and a big kitchen." And I knew everything would be fine. She's as anal as I am, she very focused, driven, funny, sincere and we have our own friends and interests. She's a clean freak. We actually have very similar attitudes- I imagine if we fought it would be an epic battle ending in epic apologies- we both have this thing with guilt.
I think it will work and I'm excited about it. She found a great rental (yes, we're aware we have 5 months) at lakeshore and parklawn right on the water, 2 bedrooms, 2 washrooms, balcony, gym, concierge/security for 1800$/month. amazing.
I'm looking forward to it all.

Unrelated:

4.5 days until Miami!!!

Meryl Streep

I got new foundation- it claims it's smudge proof for 16hours. It is. And I love it. And it's not making me breakout. Yay.

Unrelated:

A friend of mine used to send me emails with subject lines that read random things like "not all monkey's like bananas" or "danger, on the left". And I would read his emails and they would have nothing to do with his subject line. And I asked him about it- he told me he does that just for something different and because he finds it amusing. Hence the title today!

Unrelated:

I work Friday night, came home, slept for four hours, went to work, went to work from work, came home, had a shower, made breakfast and went to work. Got home at 8pm. Was asleep by 9pm, woke up this afternoon at 3:30pm and picked up my package from the postoffice on the way to work. Wherein I was working with 3 super nice people who invited me for after work beers. Which I had. And here I am.I thought I'd keep up with the drinking and watch an episode of breaking bad online- which I friggin LOVE.
I'm writing this blog sipping a screwdriver and listening to "someone like you" by adele over and over again. She's so talented. You know she's only 22? Wow. She has such a fine-tuned talent.

I'm supposed to head to Waterloo to see my sis and nephew tomorrow. We'll see how Binty feels. My sister is going to give me a haircut for a discount price.
I want to go shopping and pick up a few BLAM dresses for Miami and a pair of shorts. The bathing suits I ordered from Victoria Secret are perfect. I am very happy. I have a coupon I prepaid for on dealticker.com to get a Mani/Pedi, appointment is at 4pm on Thursday. I'm also going to get waxed that day so by my 8am flight Sunday morning I'll be totally ready to go! Can't wait to feel the hot sun on face!

When you're talking about me behind my back, I suggest waiting until I'm gone.

 I have some time to kill. I just got home from work. Which started at 12pm. It's 4am. And I work at 10am (weekends are always fun).  I fear that if I go to sleep, I won't get up for work. So I'm going to do my body the incredible favour of pulling an all nighter. Especially since I love my job so much, I would hate lack of sleep encourage me to call in sick. Again. I called in last Sunday because I was so tired I felt dead.
Weekends are the only time I seem to work at Real Sports, and obviously the only times I work at Rehab. If I had to choose a bar, I'd pick Rehab.
Today, a I was trying to leave work I realized I forgot my sweater at the bar and ran back to get it. And walked in on two bartenders talking about me and one keenly listening in. I grabbed my sweater, yelled "awkward!" to further the moment, and left.
Then I got in my car and I wanted to cry and let it out, but decided that that poor response would ruin my makeup but mostly that it wouldn't get me anywhere or change anything.
I've never really been made fun of in life, and as far as I know, people generally like me, appreciate my work ethic or can tolerate me enough to say hello and goodbye and respond to my questions when asked.
These people point fingers, and get lippy, act like everything is personal and are rude- like actually skip common courtesies, like responding to me.
Example.
Me: Hey So-and-So, how was the rest of your shift yesterday?
Them: ---
Me: No? Not good?
Them:---
Me: (by which point they've walked away) Alrighty then, well hopefully today is better (note sarcasm)
Example 2.
Them: BobbyJoe, why is this like this?
Me: I'm not sure, I got here after you OR I haven't walked to that end of the bar today, why what's up, and can you please just call me Bobbi- there's no "o'" after the "J"?
Them: Ugggh Never Mind. Actually- this should never happen. Ever. Again.
Me: But I still don't know ("them" walks away) what you're talking about. oookk.
...5 minutes later
Them: BobbiJoe can you do this (not a question).
Me: Sorry tied up serving all four of our tables that we're supposed to be sharing, doing the service bar and serving the wood so No. Do it yourself. And don't fucking call me BobbiJoe. (Ok I don't say that, I say "Not right this minute")
Them: Ugggh. Fine. I'll just do it.
Me: (under my breath) But you're just fucking standing there chatting with the other staff!!!
Cue tears welling up in eyes.
I worked on 2 different bars yesterday at that place and the customers loved me- even went to tell managers about me. The customers like me! Why don't the people I work with.
The bar itself is, however badly managed; I will give those bitches that.

Let the job hunt begin.

sweat

I couldn't figure out why, when my window was wide open, I was burning up all night- I was so hot I barely slept.

Turns out roomie cranked the heat to 27 because she was cold.

Facebook: limited status...

I don't think much about a lot of things on facebook- especially those damn game invites. I like to wander through peoples pictures and I delete a few people almost every week: if I saw you in the street and wouldn't remember your name, you probably shouldn't be my 'friend' and if you're birthday comes and I don't feel it's right for me to slip onto your wall and say happy birthday, then I'll delete you.
Sometimes I look at peoples relationship status for my own gossip, but I never expect it to be there. Some people take your facebook status so seriously. I once dated a guy who would check my facebook everyday and usually saw what was on my wall before I did. He had a lot of annoying questions and accusations and eventually deleted me off of facebook. The whole thing was highly amusing and slightly annoying to me. We're still not facebook friends- luckily we're still acquainted and I remember his birthday in my head.
Sometimes I go to stalk people that aren't really my friends but whose lives intrigue me; it's always disappointing to see they didn't feel the same about me and put me on limited or have deleted me altogether. It's also funny- it is after all, just facebook.
I have one real friend who I suppose I've tried to date (mutually) a few times and it never worked. I love his family and I think they like me well enough, his girlfriends never love me (haha). I see him about once every year and a half. It's usually awkward for about 5 minutes because I find him so damn attractive- even when he mumbles, even his mismatched socks, but then it goes right back to normal. I keep up to date on his family by facebook stalking them; I love looking at all of their family pictures. I keep up to date with him through the occasional text. Today I went to look at his facebook and I'm on limited status and can only see about 13 pictures. His real facebook I'm not even on.
I wonder what that's about- to him? and to all of those people who keep people as a friend but only let you see a few things. Why? I wonder if I've done that to anyone. If I ever feel I need to put someone on limited status, I accept their invitation, do my computer business and then go back to facebook and delete that person. That's the most thinking that goes into my facebook.
I suppose because I don't do anything I'm ashamed of (and if I do I blame the vodka) and I don't write anything I'm ashamed of (that goes for this blog too... except for a few drunk blogs in my earlier days...) so if you know me, you get all of me, not a limited version.

Hmm... Seems like I have thought about a few things on facebook.

Some days are like the days before and likely the days after.

I went and saw the Kings Speech today. I was sent home from work about 4 hours earlier than anticipated and made no money, had not a single customer.
So I left work and could've gotten groceries, but instead headed to the Queensway Theatre.

The movie was so good. I missed the previews, which is always shitty because I love previews, but I FINALLY saw it. Colin Firth is amazing. What a crazy story to make a movie about- I google the King when I got home, pretty much everything I needed to know about him was revealed in the movie anyway- but someone could've made up a whole story about King George VI courting his wife, or followed him in war and created a whole war movie and we'd only ever discover he'd become King by those little picture stories they tell as the credits roll. But it was his speech, and his Speech that they made this movie about. I just sat and smiled in the theatre after (not for too ling of course, I didn't want people to excuse them selves past me while unintentionally giving me a pity look) because the movie and the story was so damn good and Colin Firth and Jeffery Rush and Helena Carter were SO great together and so talented. I cried a bit too, it was great.
Go and see that movie and then try to be King George the VI for 5 minutes and don't even try the accent; Colin Firth is amazing.

So I learned  a wee bit of History today!

Slightly unrelated:

Speaking of learning, when I was on break at work, I watched a bit of a show on Muhammad Ali and his fight against Larry Holmes on TSN. Muhammad Ali came out of retirement for it. and 8 million dollars. But that's all I saw. I thought Ali went down a hero... and the show was saying that this fight never should've happened. So I'm going to have to do some research.
My research indicates that Ali did train to go back in the ring, but not enough. He also had some speech and physical issues that were noted by doctors, including a hole in his brain! But he was given a clean bill of health anyway, which allowed him to fight. Apparently this last fight is what caused the onset of Parkinson's, but there's no way to prove that. Apparently the doctors gave Ali a clean bill of health for the money.
Before retiring, Ali had beat Holmes once for a belt, but Holmes had beat him before that...
Ali got his ass beat by Holmes in this fight; 10 rounds all unanimously won. The fight was only stopped by Ali's trainer because he would not Ali to go back out for an 11th round and Ali refused to fall.
The doctors should've done right by their oath; I only saw snippets on TV but they were all sad.

Miami

I'm going there.

Jan 30th to Feb4th. I will finish work, come home, pack and catch my flight. Which I just booked and paid for. Not sure where I'm going to stay yet and I'm not too worried about it. I did not check the weather though. It cannot rain!
I'm going with 2 girls from RealSports, one is Mama. We're going to go to Disney too!!! OMG!!! I'm so excited!!!! I'm going to cut out food until then and go to yoga a few times... hopefully it will make the bikini experience more pleasant.

Unrelated:

So for my birthday, I'm going to have a joint party with friend and fellow blogger Koko, at the Spoke Club. We will invite all of our friends and drink the night away, also dance it away, laugh it away, cry a little bit.

On my actually birthday, I will co-celebrate with my friend Shena at her place.

And I'm thinking the week before my birthday, I'm going to spend the entire day at a spa and get mani's, pedi's, facial's and a massage.

And then I'm going to work the rest of the year and have little to no fun as Feb is going to cost me a fortune!!

but... YAAAAAYYY!

Damn it.

So I have put off getting my masters for a few reasons- I am pursuing my acting career- it's $25,000 for tuition- the Masters I want is only offered in a few places- I can't actually think of anything I want to do in the world besides literally volunteer with kids or the hungry, sing and act.

I just looked up the masters I want to get at the school I want to get it from, I like to do that a few times a year. I want to get an education that will allow me to essentially make my own  hours and afford me a great lifestyle so that I can do what I love on the weekends or what have you, as well as afford the me the luxury to give to and participate in charities; if I can't make a living doing what I love, then let me give myself the tools I need to make money so I can afford to do the things I love for free!
Anyway... they changed the masters program. Now it's 2 years part-time so that you can work fulltime and apply your knowledge while you work. Well WHAT THE HELL!
That's kind of annoying that going full time for 1 year is no longer an option, as that was what was most realistic financially for me.
But the worst part is that they've changed the program so that you can only enroll every 2 years, and the next session start date in Sept 2011, and I won't be ready for then, little own be able to get my stuff together to apply by march! ugh.

Guess I better start school shopping again.

I am shopping for diploma's and cert's that will help get me into grad school. I'm thinking the CIM at Humber sounds good; mostly online.

My birthday is coming!

. This time Last Year I was working only at Rehab nightclub and the money wasn't that great because of the time of year but it was good enough because I hadn't had a fulltime job for about 6months and I was assistant coaching a girls rep ball team (which cost me money in gas for travel).  I was living outside of Stratford in farm house with my Mom and her Boyfriend. They were both incredibly supportive, letting me live for free while I made just enough money to pay my bills and put gas in my car while I drove all over high heaven chasing my acting dream. 

This time last year I was also crashing at Roomies and Shena's apartment a lot. i would bring up food from my moms cupboards and sleep on their couch. I would look for jobs during the day or go on auditions. 

This time last year I would go online to 680news to make sure no one had won the Weather Guarantee Jackpot. I felt that if I didn't win it, I would never get myself out of my current situation because there would be no job that I would find that would get me out of debt and allow me to live. 

This time last year I would put gas in my car and if my gas budget was for 20$ and it only cost me 17$ I would have extra money to buy a lottery ticket. And I would. And I never won. Not even a free ticket. 

This time last year I was feeling shitty because I hadn't bought anyone Christmas presents or birthday presents in the months that had passed. I hadn't saved a dime, had used all of my small small savings and my mom was constantly giving money for things. 

This time last year I was thinking about giving up on acting because finding  job that didn't start until after 4pm was seeming impossible, I was struggling to stay happy while living at home, my education was wasting away, I owed my mom money, my sister money and my dad money and I was putting myself further and further in debt.

I actually remember going to visit my sister on the way to Toronto and thinking that if I took the detour to visit her, I might not have enough gas or money to buy gas, to get to Toronto to look for work and get back home.   I was too embarrassed to tell anyone and I felt like an epic failure. I called my credit card company and asked them to increase my limit by 100$,  knowing my card was maxed out; they said no and I sat in my sisters driveway crying. 

I started driving and put my hand in my pocket for some lip balm and my sister had tucked $20 in there. I cried and cried. 

I spent my birthday alone that year because I didn't have any money to think about getting people together to celebrate, or to buy myself drinks or dinner. Everyone in my family was working and I didn't have practice that day. It was the same the year before.

This year, money might be tight if these shitty hours at Real Sports keep up, but it won't be tight for a while and I will still be saving money and able to have fun, just a little less going out.

This year, I've paid everyone back (expect my dad, but I'll get him next time I'm home), almost paid off two of my loans and am trying to tuck money into my family's pockets when they need it.

This year for my birthday I would like a nice boyfriend who plans me a lovely dinner and party. But since I'm not going to get that I can't decide if I'll go away alone, have a party here, host a party at a club or sneak a bottle of wine into a movie after getting a massage, mani, pedi and facial.

I like how things get better if you stick to it. 

Sometimes I wonder...

...Don't people get tired of telling the same stories all the time?
... Don't they know we remember such epic tales, even the small details, the truth twists and the lies?
...Don't they ever want to hear my voice?

Pillow Top Mattress

The thing with a pillow top is that you can't flip it. And since mattress are so expensive, you end up having a body div-it in your bed. I've been sleeping alone in this bed since... always and the div-it is in the middle; which makes sleeping on a side difficult because I roll into the centre.

So today I bought a memory foam mattress topper. $130.00. In hopes that it would fill in the divit.

It is not working. The divit is still in the middle and this magical memory foam cannot hide it. It also smells and is less comfy than my regular bed.

RETURN!

tv-dome.net

TV Dome has retired from posting tv shows. Which means I am half way through all of my shows' seasons and no longer have a place to watch them. Sadness. I keep thinking about buying a tv. I should not buy a tv and pay off debt though.

If the idea have having paid off all of my immediate debt is SO damn exciting to me, then why can't I seem to be more committed to it?

Unrelated... or maybe slightly Related:

I would like to go on a giant shopping spree.

Unrelated:

I know where I want to live ( I think) come July. Now I just have to figure out how I will afford to pay double what I am currently paying...

Unrelated:

Not going to Chicago.

Unrelated:

My birthday is coming and I want to do something great but can't think of anything to throw/do for myself. All I want is to not be anywhere near weather under 25 degrees Celsius on that weekend but nobody is able to go away at that time or can afford to go.

Unrelated:

I'm FINALLY going to submit my headshots to my agent tomorrow. She better be good or my heart will break.

I may or may not have Kiboshed it

I have yet to have a day at work where I am craving any kind of food.. but I've started my detox today, even went out for lunch and had a mildly decent meal ALL DETOX WORTHY only to have nachos at work. My boss got them for us. And I couldn't resist that dripping cheese. And then because I'd already screwed up I ate meat.

Whaatever.

I'm going to visit my sister tomorrow anyway- which usually results in some unhealthy eating anyways... I'll start again on Wednesday?.. no not Wednesday because I'm going out for dinner.

Wow, there will never be time for this if I don't make it...

Unrelated:

I'm probably going to chicago this weekend.

Unrelated:

I'm tired.

Detox

Starts Monday. Which is tomorrow.

I left work today 3 hours early. I didn't even want to go in. I have had a headache for 3 days and everyone there is so mean and inconsiderate; my head couldn't take it. My bosses didn't want to let me go home. Which I understood but found annoying because they don't seem to mind people showing up late everyday, or just not showing up or calling in sick or whatever. I had the decency to go in and work, now let me go. I cried. I didn't mean to but it just came out. Then my boss let me go.

I picked up some fruit to eat so I would have some detox worthy food here for tomorrow. Then I went to McDonalds.

I tried to do laundry but as I was putting my stuff in one machine, waiting for another, a family came in with their kids (why... leave them at home... it's just down the hall) and their kids started touching everyone's stuff. So my stuff is sitting wet in my laundry basket in the living area waiting for a dryer and that family to rid themselves and their offspring from the laundry room; I couldn't risk them using one of my g-strings as a slingshot.

But there were kids when I got home. Playing. Above me and next door. Joy and laughter makes me happy, but not when my head hurts. I wonder if the noise above me is from their living room or bedroom...

When I'm full of energy I will tell you about how my new agent may be lazy. But for now I'm going to go back to the sweet purr of roomie eating with her mouth open...

Which reminds me; I officially think that due to lack of respect and consideration, we probably won't be friends still come July 1st. I am going crazy.

Sibling Rivalry?

I don't know other people who argue with their siblings like I argue with my sister. Maybe it's because we're so close in age and had to live in such close quarters, sharing rooms most of our lives?
We're sooo different. She is really caring and can be shy, she never runs out of energy and she is as sexy as they come; she's also very disciplined. We used to try to be twins, but  I grew out of it. We used to play  basketball together but she grew out of it. Since then, our relationship has just never been the same.
I had moved out of my moms house by then and was the only kid living with my dad; leaving behind and opening up so many cans of worms- but I'll tell you all about that in my biography I'll one day write.
There are things about her I can't stand and I don't think that's normal because I have two other siblings and they might annoy me but I can always stand them. I am sure there are things about me that she can't stand.
But the things about her I can't stand I forget about once I've stopped standing for it and we have a few days apart; I always forget. Because she is such a beautiful person.
She's always ragging on me because I let people treat me like shit all the time and she hates to see it. But she does some of the same things she see's others do to me as well. I find it confusing. I don't get it. She's dating this douche. She already dated him and he treated her like shit. Not as shitty as a boyfriend I once had, but almost as bad. I hate it. And I don't get that either.
She's also always nagging on herself because she's learning how short her fuse is and that it's affected her relationships.
But she doesn't noticed when her fuse has blown,  blown all the rest of the fuses in the room and left smoke in the air until days and hours after; it's always too late.
Sometimes, like most of us, she doesn't understand other peoples behaviour or doesn't take a minute to walk in their shoes and blows a a fuse and says and does things she can never take back. like keying cars and running up credit card bills and calling people names and never admitting to any of it.
She did that today- the fuse thing, actually it started a few days ago but I figured because she had ignored my responses that she had figured out that she was angry for no reason, but she made it worse today. And today I thought, nope, not today. today i'm not going to let you get away with this. I told her I was done with her and stopped communicating. I randomly started crying at every little thing today, but I knew it wasn't the little thing, it was this big thing with me and my sister.
You don't get to choose your family. Especially your sister. And you'd have to be a mean soul to really 'be done' with your own blood- but I really feel like I've taken enough shit and I'm not going to come and apologize to her just so she'll apologize to me. Because I don't think, no, I know I didn't do anything wrong.
One time when she thought she was right, she didn't talk to our dad for 2 years and he was childish enough to go along with it. I don't want to be like that,but maybe I will be. He still gave her birthday cards and told her to come by anytime she was ready to apologize.

You can however, choose your friends. Some days, I think that if we weren't sisters, we might have been great enemies in our younger days.
But. She's one of my best friends. Sometimes. Can you choose when your friend is your best friend and other times someone you wish wasn't part of you?
I think she's broken my heart more than everyone I know combined. She almost always makes it better though by just being herself- never apologizes, I just seem to forget. That counts right?
This is all perfectly normal... right?

I'm from the Southern State Stratford, in the heart of... umm... Alabama I suppose.

When I first moved to the GTA in 2004, people kept asking me where I was from. Nobody believe that I was Canadian. I still get asked what State I'm from, from the occasional American. I always found this confusing because as far as I could tell, I talked like everyone else and I knew I didn't have any sort of speech impediment.

When I was leaving Stratford today I got gas and the attendant asked, "Any-thang else for ya ma'm?" The Tim Hortons drive through girl handed me my green tea and said "heresthat green tea forya." like she didn't know 'here's' is actually HERE IS and 'heresthat' is two words and that 'ya' is actually YOU.
Sometimes I hear people from my hometown talking and they say things like "well I ain't never hearda that afore"  and "them roads isa slippery ashell" So... does that mean you HAVE heard of it and that the roads are slippery because they're hot?... I don't get it. And then those same people think I'm a snob.
 No wonder they all hate Justin Bieber, he's a good looking little proper spoken, snotless nosed highschool kid who got a lucky break from his shit life and a mother who said things like "I never asked you to buy me no candy with uur singin' change"
Apparently his mother and  grandmother complain about having to chaperon him all the time. oooh you poor parents; what a disappointing set of circumstances.

Anyway... I digress. I wonder if I should be concerned about ever moving to the good ol' USA.  If I pick up on the language of those around me so well that I don't even notice it, perhaps I should stay away from places like Boston and Chicago and many southern states (which is where people always ask me if I'm from!! NO.. I ain't from Pennsylvania!) Haha.

Mac

I'm sitting besides my dad, who is "resting his eyes" and  am perusing the internet looking for a treadmill. I feel like if I'm going to spend $950 on a yoga membership, I might as well just buy a treadmill.
sometimes he falls asleep sitting in his spot on the love seat, so deeply that he starts to snore. And when he eventually wakes up he says that he was not sleeping- just resting his eyes and listening to the tv. JUST admit it.

I'm thinking I should grab my phone and see if any of my peers have plans for watching the Canada game tonight. Or perhaps I'll stay here and watch it.

I'm typing on a Mac. It's very nice. It makes me think of. I forget. My dad brought me a piece of lasagna and I put this aside and I forget what this mac reminds me of. It reminds me of other macs...

I can't blog and watch Etalk at the same time. Deuces.

You can count on me like 1 2 3 and I'll be there...

...and I know I can count on you like 4 3 2 and you'll be there, cause that's what friends are for...

LOVE Bruno Mars' album.

Unrelated:

I'm about to count up the cash I've made so far this year. I have enough to pay off my credit card.. but then I won't have any money until Thursday. I WOULD have some money if there was a more efficient system for collecting one's tips!! pff.

I went for a beverage with several of the people from work today after work, including Mama. Her and I ended up sitting alone catching up. There are a lot of people that work there. Many of them are good looking and very efficient, some of them are nice... after that I run out of things to say. Because if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all... unless it's funny. or true. and some of these people are mean!! Why be like that?! Rude! also dumb or mentally slow or lack humor, or all three. bad combos. and some of the men/guys just stare at me until they think they've gotten my attention and then mouth things (uumm WHAT are you DOING!? why do you think I skipped over your glaze? lame).
Anyway. I think the managers like me and I feel that a few of the bartenders don't quite get my humor but the ones that do are the ones that I enjoy anyway so.. so far so good. There's one bartender whom I worked with today and she seems like me; just honest and genuine and good (toot toot); I like her.

slightly related:

I wish it weren't 4am, or that if it were, I was sleeping for a few hours now so that getting up at a reasonable hour tomorrow so I can head home and see my family wouldn't seem so tiring. I am fully capable of getting up after a great sleep and hopping in my car to drive, even for 20 minutes, and convincing my self it's a perfectly great and safe idea to snooze at the wheel. The windows can be down and the music blaring and I'll still nod off.
Sometimes I pull over and have a nap. Sometimes while I'm napping men come up to my car and knock or stare at me or try to break in.
In sum, I can't decide if I'll go to bed now drugged, and hopefully go to sleep until noon or stay up and look into some part time education until I'm dozy or if I'll just go to bed with a tv show on my laptop and hope I doze off and then sleep until I wake up and hopefully not get stuck in traffic going home.
Decisions decisions. What a tough life I currently lead.

"How Do You Know"? let me tell you...

I think it's funny that I put all this forethought into being "ready" for new year physically and then didn't shave my legs. Still haven't. Makes me chuckle.

But I'm not just trying to look cuter, I'm also trying to feel better. And if I hadn't wrangled this not so nifty chest infection I would've started my detox already! But I don't think detox's count when you're taking drugs at the same time....

I worked quite the long day New years eve, 11am-4:15am. Then I came back to my apartment and slept until 5pm, woke up, ordered in soup, called in sick to work and slept until 8am this morning... wherein I went to work, came home, diddled around catching up with old friends over the phone and then I went and saw the worst movie of 2011.

Absolutely, under no circumstance should you pay to go and see "how do you know" WORST.  I fell asleep and got bored several times and as with most romantic comedies you know who's going to get the girl, but THIS was just RIDICULOUS. WAAAAAY to much dialogue. I must've missed something (before I fell asleep) because I just can't believe those big name actors agreed to that script!!
Anyway- who am I to talk?
Well I'll tell you who I am! A disappointed consumer. I should've lurked about for another 20 minutes and went and saw the Kings Speech.

I'mm going to go home on Tuesday, I'm sure IF it's playing in Stratford, no one will be going to see it; I'll see it then.